Care leavers’ transitions to independence

I, even to this day, like, I still have not received any emotional support. All that support’s come from myself. Like, I’m very much… have been my own support system, and, I, you know, I just… I do think I’m an incredibly resilient person like I’ve, yeah… I just think I can, I can bounce back from things. I do, yeah.

So, a life story book is... so basically when you reach 18, you have access to more information about just why you’re in foster care and more like the files that come along with it. Unfortunately I actually don’t have that much information in my files, which is stuff that I don’t already know, but there was some stuff and my social worker created a book for me basically, just recalling all the steps which led to me being in foster care, which was very eye-opening for me, actually. And yeah, like I’m glad that I got it when I did, and not earlier, because I definitely would not have been able to process it, and it’s still something that I’m processing to this day, I’d say. But again, you know, you need exposure to heal, right? So, I’m very... especially because again I grew up in [city], so they would have had to have gone to [city] to access that information, which is very nice of them.

I think the counsellor is one big thing, and also I really appreciated living in a building with sixty other people who had been through the same thing that I had. Whether it was homelessness or like they had been in care. They, sort of, we were all sort of estranged from our families in different circumstances. So, I made friends through that way. I’m still friends with some of them that had gone off to uni, or whatever. Who I still sort of keep in touch with today. We had that traumatic experience together. We all lived in the accommodation together. It was a little friendship sort of trauma bond I’d say we all understood it, and helped each other through. That was another big form of support I would say. And even now I’m at university I think my closest friends are the ones who are estranged, or they are care leavers, or have been through that sort of family trauma, whether it’s having a parent with severe mental health illness or it’s those who have also been young carers.

Like I know that if I had an issue, I could turn to any of them and they would emotionally support me. I’m very fortunate as well that my boyfriend is like the most supportive person ever, and his family are incredible. So yeah, I do have that support. But then also I think one thing I really struggle with as a care leaver is it’s not stability, you know like the thing with a family, obviously every family situation is different, but like how I see a family is it doesn’t have to be your biologically related people, it’s people who you could depend on and have that stability with. And I think that’s something as a care leaver I struggle with because it’s like, yeah, friendships are great, but a friendship can end. You know, like you can fall out with a friend at any time, you can... a relationship can breakdown, you know? Boyfriends come and go, you know? So, I think there’s always that constant worry of like: ‘OK, so how long is it gonna be till I’m alone again?’ You know: ‘how long’s it gonna be till I mess this up and not have that stability anymore?’ But I think my friends have like proven to me over the years that I don’t need to worry about that as much, so I’d say they’re my family,—

There are other services, yeah, but I tend to just go to [Name of charity] because they’re more ideal, but there are like other services I can go to. Obviously there is social care, or there’s... what’s it called... I can’t remember what it’s called now: Citizens Advice, that’s the one, places like that, I... that I know of. I know... if I need the help, I know of them, but I just tend to go to [Name of charity] because they’ve had much better support than others.

So, I have a counsellor. It’s actually the one that I had at 6th form. Once I got to College, they have a counsellor within my college, rather than the uni, main university service. And actually, I tried speaking to, she was really lovely, but again, it’s that issue where they don’t have that lived experience. It feels very like blanket approach. Sort of, I remember starting the session where she said ‘usually we give students three sessions and if they need more they can go to the wider university service’. And I finished telling her my circumstances and she went, ‘Yeah you can have unlimited counselling sessions.’ [Laughs] It was like, the fact that you sort of have to grapple for unlimited mental health support even though technically the university has already agreed to no cap on counselling is a bit rubbish. But I just found it wasn’t working out. She wasn’t really trained to understand the difficulties that care experience or estranged that it presents. So, I went back to my old counsellor who actually gives me sessions for free, given my kind of circumstances, which is really nice. So, yeah, that was the main sort of mental health support I think I’ve accessed. And then again, like I mentioned director of studies, who sort of, if you need any academic support, or if there is any support in college like vacation residences that I need help with, they will support and secure that.

I think so. A lot of the support... like, I had to get a lot of mental health support and I had to get that myself; I’ve never had anyone, like, from the care system offer me help to do with my mental health. Like, my PA’s gotten me a mental health nurse, because I asked for one, but it’s not very consistent because I have to personally book a lesson... and book for when I can see her and it’s not like a prof... like, I’ll normally see her in a coffee shop and she’ll ask what’s going on, but it’s not really to do with, like, a professional doctor or mental health worker or any of that. And that’s the only support I’ve had to really, really fight for myself.

So, I was quite used to living independently because I essentially lived with my grandpa but I was very independent there. So, the transition wasn’t too bad. I just think it, we essentially had our own flat and I was completely alone. Like my grandpa wasn’t there at that point. So, it was really isolating and I was quite lonely. I struggled with mental health during that time. I think my support worker wasn’t really helpful. The support was kind of just either, “keep your spirits up you’ll be fine”, mostly. I appreciate the support that was there. It just, there was no real understanding. Support workers have no lived experience of what it was like, and so it made it quite difficult. I found the counsellors and the team at CAMHS, and the safeguarding leads, they have no lived experience what it was like, and it was really difficult to resonate and really get that support. And it was only when I found my counsellor at college, who had actually lived in a foyer like I did when they were younger, and also homeless, I thought, oh I finally feel heard. It was really nice, and that was the first sort of time I really felt supported. So, yeah.

That’s the housing provider I’m with now, they don’t have accurate information and I get next to no support at all. They practically... they don’t even check on me to see if I’m all right, and I... like you’re meant to have keywork sessions and house meetings, which I’ve only had one keywork session since I’ve lived here, and I’ve lived here about three months. And I was offered counselling with them, but that was only temporary until I started the [name of service] recently. But even then, the counselling wasn’t ideal because we’re just sitting in my living room where it wasn’t really private, where with [name of service] they can take you out, you can go get a drink somewhere and... or just go out, go for a walk, or whatever. So, it’s more ideal for me ’cause it’s more private. Or they’d even... if I went... if I really need it, they would rent a room for me, like a private room somewhere, so like it’s more ideal for me. So, when I’m speaking about something that’s really deep, or upsetting, I can have it private, where when it’s in my household, and I’ve got... there’ll be five other lads living with me, it’s not private and it’s not like you’re gonna wanna know your whole household to know your... know what’s going on.

I’d say my dad, but recently I think this whole situation of being in foster care’s... has damaged him more than it’s damaged me. So, like I go to him about my issues in general and he’s always there to support us, so I go into my PA about any issues ’cause he’s obviously within the care system, and he’s supportive and reliable, so I’d probably go him as well.