Laks

So, I spent my whole childhood in foster care. And so, when I was turning 18 it was actually during Covid, and, huh, being a teenager I did some things I shouldn’t have been doing, which resulted in me needing to move out of the placement that I was in, but I think it was more like a general consensus that none of us really wanted me to live there anymore, huh, as toxic as that sounds.

So, I was there from the age of... I wanna say 13. Yeah, no... no, sorry, it wouldn’t have been 13, I would have been a bit older than that, I would have been 14, I reckon, yeah, I was there for about four years, I think. I really liked living there at the start, I think, so there was a lot of changes in that house. So, they had an adopted son who was seven, but he was terminally ill and he passed away when I was 16 and that kind of like really broke the foundations of our family structure I’d say. And then some... so one of the girls I was living with, who was fostered, her biological siblings moved in and that really changed the dynamic of the family and I felt... I think I felt very left out and I really struggled to feel like I belonged in that house, and I think because of that came a lot of conflict. Again, I was young, maybe made decisions which I shouldn’t have, and because of that, especially being cooped up in Covid, and it helped none of us, right? So, I think that just conflict became very apparent. And yeah, I think I wasn’t really associating with the family structure of it, so I was kind of an outsider. And it wasn’t a case of like, oh, they hated me and didn’t want me there, or I hated them, and I didn’t wanna be there, but it’s... we all knew that it would be for everyone’s best interest for me to move out, which I’m actually very happy that it happened. Looking back now, at the time, it was a bit of a kick in the teeth, but I think it’s really helped me to like mature and grow as a person.

So, when I was turning 18 it was actually during Covid, and, huh, being a teenager I did some things I shouldn’t have been doing, which resulted in me needing to move out of the placement that I was in, but I think it was more like a general consensus that none of us really wanted me to live there anymore, huh, as... as toxic as that sounds. So, when I was 17, so during kind of like Covid times, I was actively looking to move out with my friend at the time, but there was obviously difficulty around that due to needing to be 18 to move out, and also like having to need a guarantor, which is something I’ll get into more ’cause that is a topic which definitely needs to be discussed. And yeah, so basically as soon as I turned 18, I had a house arranged for me to move into, which I found myself; I basically sorted it all out myself. My guarantor was my ex-boyfriend’s dad at the... well, he was my boyfriend at the time, and yeah, I moved straight into that. It was around the corner from where I used to live, which was quite beneficial, so just walk the stuff over. And yeah, it was difficult, but also, I think it needed to happen. I think I’m quite an independent person and I would have struggled being in foster care having to abide by certain rules. That makes me sound like I’m getting up to loads of mischievous stuff, not like that, but I don’t know, I’m a... I just... I like to do my own thing. So, the transition I think was very exciting more than nerve-racking for me because it kinda felt like it needed to happen, and especially with being locked up in Covid, it was just like: ‘oh, my God, freedom, I can do what I want now.’ But I was still in education when I moved out, so I was doing a pre-degree in digital art at a university , so I was juggling that whilst working at [fast food restaurant] as a crew trainer to afford my rent, which was very, very difficult. I think that is something I don’t miss. I very much struggled with funds when I first moved out.

So I think during that time I was just so relieved to be in my own space and just do my own thing, it was only really when I went to uni, so like a year later, that I started actively trying to get help for my mental health, and accessing these resources, like that year, between 18 and 19 I was just kind of in limbo, like just working and drinking and going to uni... not uni, like doing my pre-degree, so just getting used to that independence, you know that freedom, I guess.

And I think it’s like you have to make mistakes to learn, right? Like you have... sometimes things don’t really settle in your brain, like you have to hit rock bottom to go up. But I think as a care leaver, especially for me who has no... I have literally no ties to any family, no family support, it’s kind of like if something goes wrong, it’s not a case of like: ‘oh, OK, it’s fine, let’s just try again,’ it’s like if something fucks up I am screwed basically.

So, at the moment my days consist of trying to juggle and do my uni work and my freelancing job which is social media management for a company. So, I wake up, I don’t have breakfast because who eats breakfast? I cycle to uni. I... it depends on the day, but I usually stay for there for like eight to nine hours, ’cause I can’t work at home. Yeah, again, very fortunate that my boyfriend studies with me, so we both cycle there, and yeah, I just work. I come home, we always eat together, so the three of us, and that’s like one thing I’m very strict on, I like dinnertime together, like we’re very sociable in that way. Chillout. Play some PlayStation. Have a little smoke. Go to bed. Repeat. Weekends: I’m usually shooting events or just anything which is gonna make me money. I don’t know. I have my hands in lots of different pots at the moment, there’s... it’s stress, but it’s exciting.

So, I spent my whole childhood in foster care. And so, when I was turning 18 it was actually during Covid, and, huh, being a teenager I did some things I shouldn’t have been doing, which resulted in me needing to move out of the placement that I was in, but I think it was more like a general consensus that none of us really wanted me to live there anymore, huh, as... as toxic as that sounds. So, when I was 17, during kind of like Covid times, I was actively looking to move out with my friend at the time, but there was obviously difficulty around that due to needing to be 18 to move out, and also like having to need a guarantor, which is something I’ll get into more ’cause that is a topic which definitely needs to be discussed. And yeah, so basically as soon as I turned 18, I had a house arranged for me to move into, which I found myself; I basically sorted it all out myself. My guarantor was my ex-boyfriend’s dad at the... well, he was my boyfriend at the time, and yeah, I moved straight into that. It was like around the corner from where I used to live, which was quite beneficial, so just walk the stuff over. And yeah, it was difficult, but also, I think it needed to happen.

Mm, you don’t know someone until you live with them, I think, we rushed into that living situation together again because of... I felt like I needed to move out and it was kind of, like, I don’t wanna say she was the only option, because we were good friends, but it was like I didn’t think it through at all, you know? I think like where I live now and who I live with, I’ve known him like my whole childhood, basically, and he’s also from [area], and it works so well, like we don’t argue, we’ve... you know, we’ve lived together for a year and it’s like the house is clean and the house was never clean there. So, I learnt a very valuable lesson from it, a very, very valuable lesson. Just with also like tenancy agreements and things like that, which I think again maybe because I didn’t look for the access to learning about it, but I never really learnt about it, I think because I just left it all to my flatmate knowing that she knew, she really like fucked me over with it and I lost a lot of money because of it. They basically stole quite a few grand from me, I lost a lot of furniture and, yeah, just like I had no rights to the property anymore ’cause they took me off the tenancy agreement and I had no idea because I wasn’t actively checking and understanding that this was something that I should be aware of, it that makes sense?

Oh, it’s so important, like that stability I think is really needed. Like at the end of the day your social worker is basically a second parent to you in many ways and when they’re kind of... sometimes you wouldn’t even know that you were getting a new one, you know and they’d just turn up, and it’s like: “Oh, OK, hi.” And you have to get used to a new person and warm up to them and, you know, you’re basically trusting this person with a massive file which contains your whole life in it. So I think it’s so important, and I think my growth as a person definitely has been the way it has been because of having that stability and social workers, I’d say.

So, a life story book is... so basically when you reach 18, you have access to more information about just why you’re in foster care and more like the files that come along with it. Unfortunately I actually don’t have that much information in my files, which is stuff that I don’t already know, but there was some stuff and my social worker created a book for me basically, just recalling all the steps which led to me being in foster care, which was very eye-opening for me, actually. And yeah, like I’m glad that I got it when I did, and not earlier, because I definitely would not have been able to process it, and it’s still something that I’m processing to this day, I’d say. But again, you know, you need exposure to heal, right? So, I’m very... especially because again I grew up in [city], so they would have had to have gone to [city] to access that information, which is very nice of them.

Like I know that if I had an issue, I could turn to any of them and they would emotionally support me. I’m very fortunate as well that my boyfriend is like the most supportive person ever, and his family are incredible. So yeah, I do have that support. But then also I think one thing I really struggle with as a care leaver is it’s not stability, you know like the thing with a family, obviously every family situation is different, but like how I see a family is it doesn’t have to be your biologically related people, it’s people who you could depend on and have that stability with. And I think that’s something as a care leaver I struggle with because it’s like, yeah, friendships are great, but a friendship can end. You know, like you can fall out with a friend at any time, you can... a relationship can breakdown, you know? Boyfriends come and go, you know? So, I think there’s always that constant worry of like: ‘OK, so how long is it gonna be till I’m alone again?’ You know: ‘how long’s it gonna be till I mess this up and not have that stability anymore?’ But I think my friends have like proven to me over the years that I don’t need to worry about that as much, so I’d say they’re my family,—

My PA was very, very helpful with that. So, I remember literally like I was at work and I just like finished my shift, and this horrible message, so I was like: ‘I can’t live here anymore.’ So, I rang my PA, she came and picked me up, we went and got some stuff from my house and she drove me up to London. And like with that whole process she was really helpful, because they were really, really like spiteful about it, so she actually had to go to the house and get all my stuff for me ’cause they refused to let me in. So, I’m very fortunate that I got a lot of support from my PA during that time. I think like... ’cause leading up to it as well I was really struggling with my mental health, so my PA was kind of like on my radar anyway, this is when the crisis team were on my back a bit. And then that happened, so she... like, I don’t know what I would have done if she wasn’t there basically; she was very helpful in that way.

So, like, for example there’s someone at my uni who checks up on me quite a lot, if I need money, they’ll give me money, but if I need any support with like trips or anything like that, they’re very good in that way. Our uni... you can work for the uni basically like as a student ambassador, and I find I get so much work through... if I apply for something I will most likely get it, compared to like my boyfriend for example who never gets booked for anything, so I think it’s like...

[chuckles]

Yeah, I know it’s kind of peak. Honestly, it’s like sometimes I have to remind myself, it’s like: ‘yeah, I have money, but you have parents,’ so it kind of balances out. But yeah, I think I’m very lucky in that way that my uni has been really, really good, actually. And even like with what happened with my knee, they were very understanding. My tutors obviously understand that I’m a care leaver, so if I need any support, they’re amazing; I’ve been so fortunate with it, honestly, I’m so good for it.

But I think as a care leaver, especially for me who has no... I have literally no ties to any family, no like family support, it’s kind of like if something goes wrong, it’s not a case of like: ‘oh, OK, it’s fine, let’s just try again,’ it’s like if something fucks up, I am screwed basically. And again, and I think one thing that’s really important is our experiences make us who... who we are, and that doesn’t have to be a negative thing, which is like my... my motto in life. You know, so I think like through these shitty things that happen, it makes me quite resilient, but it is tough and, you know, it... you have to thick skin for it, and I think more support around that maybe would have been nice, yeah.

But again, like my PA has been very useful. Like when I first moved, they helped me set up Universal Credit, and understanding what would need to be done around that and budgeting. So yeah, like that help is actively there. And also, I was doing a lot of drugs in that time of my life, and there was support around that, so like there was support, yeah.

So I think one thing that really needs to be addressed just in general is counselling. So, every... like, you know, trauma, you can process trauma in your brain when you’re basically ready to, the older you are the more likely it is it’s gonna... you’re gonna be able to process that trauma, and when you’re a care kid you have access to counselling when you’re young, but... which I did as well, but I didn’t get anything out of it. I didn’t want counselling, I wasn’t old enough to understand why I was there, what I would have gotten out of it, or even be able to unlock that part of my brain that would have been able to process that trauma. Whereas now I’m older, I’m really struggling with them, like the repercussions of needing that support, and I think that is something that also really needs to be looked into for care leavers. Because there’s no access to like free counselling for care leavers, which actually I think if anyone needs counselling it should be care kids, right? And again, like, that childhood trauma really like shapes you as a person, especially as a young adult, and you need that support with that and I just think like obviously it’s good to have access to it when you’re a teenager, or when you’re a kid, but you’re not gonna get out of it what you would get out of it doing between the ages of 18 and 21, 22, you know? I think mental health has always been something that I’ve personally really struggled with and that’s only been... that’s been the only thing that I’ve like actively needed help with.

I’d say... maybe that like just because someone is a care kid doesn’t mean that they’re like awful and delinquent. You know, everyone is gonna have their ups and downs, everyone’s not gonna be perfectly behaved all of the time, and I think it’s important to understand that we all go through it and not to be so hard on care kids for that. And I think there’s such a stigmatisation around delinquency and care kids, I don’t know, maybe that’s just personal opinion.  

I’d say with foster carers, like exactly the same, but also just treat the care child like they’re your own kid. I think that is something like... if you were to do it to... like to your own children, then do it over the care kid. I know that there’s situations where that can be quite difficult through, like barriers, and whatnot, which is completely understandable, but I think the most important thing for a care child is they want to feel loved, I mean this is... you know, everyone knows this, they want to feel loved and wanted, but also they want to feel normal.  
  
Yeah.  

Again, everyone knows this is not common, I mean this is not new news, but just do what you can to make them feel as normal as you can, ’cause no one wants to feel like an outsider, especially as a teenager growing up, no one wants to feel different, that’s what I’d say.