Megan

Yeah, cause I agreed to stay there at first ’cause: 1. he wasn't living with us, and 2. I didn’t know the extent of everything, like I didn’t know she was supporting him like that.  erm I said, “Look,” I said, “if you want to still see him and that, then you do that, but erm I don’t wanna see him,” and she was like, “That’s fine, that’s fine,” but then over time she was like, “Oh, he got his MOT done today; he did this; he did that,” and it’s like, I... “You never said this before, but you’re saying it now.”

And she started like emailing me and saying, oh, Megan needs erm counselling to deal with what she went through, because every time I talk about this person or something like that, she clams up and starts like going: “No, listen...” and she won’t talk to me about him, and my PA turned around and went: “She’s already told you want nothing to do with him, she has every right to feel that way and if you can’t do it, then you shouldn’t be fostering,” basically, so...

It just... people just slip up in conversations.  So basically she’d done that, and then when I’d moved in with the new foster carers, they were like, “Oh, ’cause you’re nearly 18, go out and buy some clothes because after 18 you’ll have to pay for them all yourself, give me the receipt and I’ll get it reimbursed and send you the money back.”

So I was like, “Wait.”  So if that’s how it’s worked the whole time... but by the time you find out, it’s too late to use it in an argument, ’cause I go back with these arguments in my head, and I’m like I could have like been like: you don’t pay for my clothes, but... do you know what I mean?

So they were like, “Yeah,” du-du-du.  So basically, I’d gone to my social worker and I said, “They’ve not buying me school tights,” I said, I said, “this doesn’t seem right to me,” and she was like, “No, they should be buying you school tights.”  And then it was after a move that she told me everything, and she went: “Yeah, you should have been getting like £20 pocket money a week, but instead you were getting £10 because they was taking £40 off a month to use your bus pass” and I kept arguing with them over it.

I was sat basically saying like, “Ah, erm I need help,” I said, “can you not see that I’ve gone to the doctor’s?” ’cause the doctor said that she’d ring me back, so then she’d never rang me back and like...

I’d left it like two days, so I rang them and they were like, “Oh, she’s on her break, ’cause she’ll ring you back after her break, I promise straightaway,” ’cause I’d already told her that she didn’t ring me back – she never rang me back – and by then I was drained, so I was like, ‘no, like, they’re not bothering me, no,’ so I went to the supported lodgings carer, I was like, “The home treatment team don’t come on time,” I said, “I haven’t got regular appointments with the doctor’s,” I said, “they don’t even ring me back,” I said, “I am ask...” I said, “I’m begging for help,” I was like, “I’m begging for it, and I’m not getting it,” I said, so you can’t even... like ’cause they were like blaming me, I was like, “you’re pushing the blame onto me,” I said, “but you’ve seen me physically go out and try,” and they were like, “Right, we’ll get you help from the doctor’s and ring them again,” I’m like, “I need it now, I need this help now.”  And that was the appointment.

I basically opened up to my PA and he’d said... I said, “Look, I’m really ill, like I’ve... I’ve not eaten in three days,” you know.

And then that was when I started having the meetings with my PA and I’d say... said to PA like, “I’m ill,” like... and I was basically shouting... like I never shout, but I was shouting and I was like, “I need fu...” I said, “I can’t do this anymore,”

I said, “I can’t do it, I have like... I cannot carry on,” I said, “every day is so hard,” du-du-du. And my PA’s right, and he was like, “Right, right, go to your boyfriend’s he said, “’cause if you stay here tonight, this placement’s gonna breakdown.” “So, I’m not going to my boyfriend’s like you always send me to him that’s all you ever do,” I said, “that is not fixing anything,”

I think ’cause it... again, it was a unique situation, ’cause not often you get that with foster families – usually they fall out – it ends ’cause of like arguments, or something, whereas this was just like, ‘we need to get you out of there.’ PA was not supportive in that placement, which is why I knew he was biased with the carer thing because he was like no... and like not supportive at all, if not made it worse by shouting at me sometimes and stuff like that.  So, I don’t know if... I had pathway planning meetings, but it all kind of happened so quick. So, like they knew he’d been convicted before I was told, but... and that was an issue that they... they didn’t tell me straightaway that he’d been convicted of being a paedophile, which they should have, ’cause that’s safeguarding. Like if I’d have known, I’d have been able to protect myself, but they were like... and the only reason they told me is ’cause it came out in the news.

And they should have told me because I was supposed to have no contact with him, and one time I needed to go the hospital, and in the hospital car park, the foster woman was like, “Shall we just ring my... my son up,” ’cause he was a health professional, “and he can tell you what’s wrong?” And this was when I was meant to have no contact with him.

And it was like if we’re in A&E car park, you do not need to ring your son. And it’s like ever since... like he got convicted, she brought him into the conversation more, and stuff like that, ’cause she tried to make it as normal as possible ’cause she loved him, and I’m like, “You shouldn’t even be fostering me ’cause like, what... what the fuck?” so... yeah.

So, then I was basically saying to my PA, I said like, “Look, I want my own flat,” I said, “I can’t... like I can’t with these like foster carers,” ’cause like it was literally my last straw with them. And the he was like, “Oh, no, but ’cause of where your mental health is at the minute, I don’t think you should have a flat on you own.” So, I was like, “Well, what are my options then?” and he was like, “So you can either go into like this house, or a block of flats with like four flats in it. And then a staff on all night,” and like, “it’s your flat,” and it’s... you’re in there for like, I say about three or four years usually until you’re like 25. And then basically they just kind of like, say if you need help cooking, you can just go and get the staff member, or if you just want someone to talk to at night, you can go and get it.

So, I was like, “Yeah, I wouldn’t mind that, like sign me up for that,” and then he was like, “Or you could do supported lodgings where you live with someone?” so I was like, “What’s supported lodgings?” And it’s basically like you literally just rent a room in someone’s house, like you have no connection to them. Like I guess with supported lodgings it’s different to normal, like a normal lodger ’cause you have a little bit of support, their kind of like mentor, like help you with bills, or they have to make sure and ask you like, “Have you gone to the dentist this...” like every six months, “have you been going?” du-du-du, stuff like that basically, but you don’t have a connection with them. So I was like... I was like, “Yeah, can do that,” ’cause like there’s no attachment there, and I have a thing about attachment, so it was kind of like that. And then he was like, “Yeah, yeah, I’ll look around for them,”

And I basically told this woman everything that happened. So, she was like, “I really think you should move in sooner,” so I was like, “Yeah, do you know what, like I’ll make an exception this time because I like the situation.” So, I packed all my stuff and I moved in with her on the Wednesday. And then my boyfriend, who I’d been with for five years at the time, erm I’m still with him now, his mum and dad helped me move in, and his mum basically stopped and said to this woman and was like, “Look, like she has been through this, that, and the other, like this last year’s been really hard with what’s happened, can... can we just like... are you... are you like, if... are you actually like genuine about what you’re saying?” and she was like, “I promise I am gonna treat her like my own daughter, like she is basically my own daughter now she moved in.” So, then she got taken back, so she was like, she basically turned round to my boyfriend and said like, “That’s just a bit weird, like, ’cause she’s met her this week and she’s saying that she’s like her own daughter.” But I was... I loved it because I was like, ‘well, no one’s ever called me that before, like I’ve lived with them for months and they’ve never called me that, so it’s nice, maybe she wants what I want for once, like somebody wants what I want.’ So anyway, as the months went by it started breaking down because of my mental health, which she knew.

So, at work, I do full time, but it’s like two days, three days a week in uni. And then I work because like ’cause I work I can... don’t have to spend my uni money on buying food and stuff, and spend my work money and that, so I was able to buy a car, I was able to do my driving lessons, and I got 10 free lessons after a thingy from social. Basic... I get... I barely see my PA. Me and my PA are good now. I never really see him, to be fair, but that’s how it’s always been until I’m going through a hard time, I’ll only text him when I need something. I’ll be like, “Can you redo my lifeline,” you know, ’cause I get a free gym pass, I’ll be like, “can you... my rent’s gone up this year, like can you do that for me?” so that’s the only time I’ve any contact with my PA – and other than that – I’m on my own basically.

So basically, if this organisation didn’t exist, I would be solely... I’d just be fucked, so I’d be on my own. Like it helps ’cause I see my counsellor, she comes to see me once a week. I go to the cafe once every two weeks, and then when there’s like events on, they’ll ask me to come out. And they have like work... workers, so like, I’ll see my mentor, she’s my old social worker, so that helps, I wouldn’t be able to see her without their help.

How often do you see [your mentor]?

So, with us two, ’cause we’re very busy, ’cause we’re like career girlie, do you know what I mean?

Just as and whenever; there’s no limit. Like... it’s like I see my mates, ’cause we’ve done our two years now, so as... and whenever, so I’d say like we try and aim for like once a month, but like... like when I got kicked out, I’d ring her and she’d... like, after work, she’d be like, “Right, and coming and meeting you,” like straightaway, like any friend would, so it’s kinda like that basically. I think they help a lot.

’Cause basically we was left... like if that charity didn’t exist, I would have little to no contact with any support after moving. ’cause like foster care: your social workers are on your back, like, “How you doing in school; how you doing like friends-wise; how you doing with this, that, and the other?” On your back constantly, and they’re like, “what do you need, what do you need, what do you need?”

And then, as soon as you turn 18, that goes away like... like in seconds; whereas this charity make sure that you’re OK basically, and it knows that you’re living on your own and it gets you out the house and gives you a routine and gives you opportunities, like whatever opportunity comes up. Like this research thing: I’ve heard of it because of... from someone that goes to these cafes.

So, it’s like that. So basically just... it’s just really good basically, I can’t... I don’t know how to explain it. But anything you need, they’ll do it for you like a normal child, as parents: anything they need, the parents will be there, kind of thing.

’Cause basically we was left... like if that charity didn’t exist, I would have little to no contact with any support after moving. ’cause like foster care: your social workers are on your back, like, “How you doing in school; how you doing like friends-wise; how you doing with this, that, and the other?” on your back constantly, and they’re like, “what do you need, what do you need, what do you need?” and then as soon as you turn 18, that goes away like... like in seconds; whereas this charity make sure that you’re OK basically, and it knows that you’re living on your own and it gets you out the house and gives you a routine and gives you opportunities like whatever opportunity comes up. Like this research thing: I’ve heard of it because of... from someone that goes to these cafes.

So, it’s like that. So basically just... it’s just really good basically, I can’t... I don’t know how to explain it. But anything you need, they’ll do it for you like a normal child, as parents: anything they need, the parents will be there, kind of thing.

So, my old social worker, she’s great, she wanted to carry on seeing me, but after 18 she can’t... couldn’t see ’cause of the... I don’t know; apparently, it’s  not appropriate. So, this charity basically makes it so it’s not inappropriate and it’s them relationships are being monitored for two years after 18 and then that’s when you can go off without having someone to monitor it and, you know, doing feedback and stuff like that. So, it’s really good with that because like you don’t have to... ’cause I think with care... people in care, they definitely need... when they leave care, they kinda do get left on their own, where this charity does way more than social work actually, and the government actually does for care leavers, if you know what I mean? So, I think that helps.

So basically, there’s just so many things that you’re entitled to in care, you’re not told about, and I think when you start care you should have a massive like book, or information leaflet saying, “You’re entitled to this, your foster care... care... carer can't do this, can't do this, can't do this, can't do this,” the same way they give us a leaflet saying, “You can’t do this, you can’t do this, you can’t do this.”

’cause like, I had one foster carer and she’d bought me clothes, and then she’d gotten tired with me and she threw it back in my face saying, “I buy you clothes, you know, I treat you really well.” And later on I found out that any clothes she buys me – if she keeps the receipt – she’ll get it reimbursed, and it’s like, ‘well, you didn’t buy me clothes then.’

Like I started acting the way I said I’d act, like... and it weren’t even like... I weren’t violent, I never shouted at anyone, I never like took my shit on anyone, it was just like I wouldn’t come out my room for a full day and I wouldn’t eat for the full day. I’d stay in my room and I’d be cutting myself, stuff like that. And it’s like... it’s not even like I’d walk downstairs with like blood dripping down me. Like I’d clean it myself, I... it was just the way I coped.

I’d left it like two days, so I rang them and they were like, “Oh, she’s on her break, ’cause she’ll ring you back after her break, I promise straightaway,” ’cause I’d already been told that she didn’t ring back – she never rang me back – and by then I was drained.

So I was like, ‘no, like, they’re not bothering me, no.’ So I went to the supported lodgings carer, I was like, “The home treatment team don’t come on time,” I said, “I haven’t got regular appointments with the doctor’s,” I said, “they don’t even ring me back,” I said, “I am ask...” I said, “I’m begging for help.”

I was like, “I’m begging for it, and I’m not getting it,” I said, 'so you can’t even.'  ’cause they were like blaming me, I was like, “you’re pushing the blame onto me,” I said, “but you’ve seen me basically physically go out and try.” And they were like, “Right, we’ll get you help from the doctor’s and ring them again.” I’m like, “I need it now, like I need this help now.” So that was the appointment.

You know, obviously, like I can’t say some cases are worse than the other, but mine is like... literally like the average case that you get. And social workers and stuff treat so normal, like it’s normal to have this trauma, and they kinda like throw you into care and like, ‘crack on,’ do you know what I mean?

So, it’s kinda like after being told that, I was like, ‘oh, my God, that just explains it like... this is explains like the people I know that are in care, like it explains so much.’ So like this service they’re a new thing and it’s... I’ve seen CAMHS, I’ve seen... like I’ve seen CAMHS, I’ve seen like NHS services, I’ve seen like different services here and there.

Other services I’ve seen them. And, this is the only thing that worked for me because instead of them giving me coping mechanisms to deal with the trauma... this therapy basically gets rid of the trauma – well it don’t get rid of it – but it moves it to a good place in your brain.