The cycle of loneliness

We talked to people about how loneliness can create a cycle that’s difficult to escape. Fear of rejection could mean people would shy away from social situations to protect themselves.

One person described how the “interruptions of everyday life” interfered with planning any activities outside of the house making it difficult to ease feelings of loneliness. Here we discuss:

  • How being lonely can become a pattern or cycle
  • Breaking out of the comfort zone

How being lonely can become a pattern or cycle

Loneliness can become a part of everyday life. People can get used to their own company and letting somebody else in was a difficult step. Some people also talked about positive aspects to being alone. Sharmin said: “I enjoy being alone. So, you know, I can just sort of be myself and not feel like anyone’s judging me.”

Chris says he moans about being lonely but likes to have his own space.

Age at interview 58

Gender Male

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R: Yeah. Yeah, because obviously when I was a child I used to think it was my own fault, I’d done something wrong to be this lonely because I was gay and that sort of thing, so when those feelings started to come back when I was older, I found it really tough to spend any time by myself. Because I thought I’d done something wrong, and it’s only by going through therapy that I realised that that’s just my childhood feelings coming back and I’ve got to stop, stop those voices, stop fighting with myself all the time. And now I do quite enjoy my own company, to the point of I was talking to a friend about this the other night and I said to her, “I moan about being lonely, but then if somebody comes and spends time with me I can’t wait for them to leave.” [laughing] Because I’ve got so used to my own company that… So I was dating a guy for a while a couple of months ago, and we used to always have a routine where we’d meet up on a Friday night and then he’d spend a Friday night with me, and Saturday, and Saturday night, and then he’d be here on Sunday. And by Sunday evening I’d just be like “oh my god, I just need…”

I: “Bye!”

R: And I think that’s because I’m just so used to my own space now, so used to my own company, you know? And it’s got to the stage now where I’ve not lived with somebody for about 8, 9 years, and I think I would really struggle if I had to live with somebody now. I think I’d really struggle, really struggle with that.

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Nicola explains that her parents were emotionally and physically abusive.

Gender Female

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Um, how loneliness came into my life… I, having signed up a couple of days ago to do this interview with you I started thinking about that, and thought back really to childhood, where I was raised by two parents who definitely cared about me but weren’t necessarily equipped with particularly useful parenting skills. As a result of which I was on the receiving end of quite a bit of emotional and physical abuse in an age where things which now would be picked up on and called abuse were just allowed to pass. That was just accepted. And I certainly had one uncle who turned around years later when I was very grown up and having a conversation with him about my childhood and said, “Oh, yes, we always looked at the way you were being raised and thought this will bring trouble.” But nobody intervened at the time. Nobody said anything at the time. People very much got on with their own lives and didn’t say anything to other people, apparently. And I was also always told when I was growing up that you didn’t share your troubles with anybody else because that only stopped them liking you. You must keep it to yourself.

It took years for me to realise that I actually felt annihilated in his presence. I was so unacknowledged, that I almost felt like there was nobody reflecting me back and my grasp on my own existence was tenuous. And yeah, I…I realised when I was very much an adult, um, that just being in his presence was enough to make me feel suicidal because I felt so unacknowledged, like somebody had rendered me invisible.

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Tracy discussed a cycle of loneliness, in which loneliness becomes your comfort zone and you are hesitant to allow people to be a part of your life.

Gender Female

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I: What do you think makes you feel lonely?

My own head, I think. I think you do; in a way you can do it to yourself. It, it’s tracked behaviour as well, it’s, you get into a pattern where you feel comfortable and safe, and then you don’t get out of it. Obviously while I was dealing with all of the fallout from my divorce I didn’t, I didn’t go out, and I didn’t do stuff, so you get into a pattern that’s comfortable. It’s like like a routine of how you get through your day, and it’s very reassuring and to deviate from that it worries me. So, if I do the same routine, but if you keep doing that, and nothing changes in that, then a different form of loneliness comes in because you isolate yourself in just doing the same thing over and over again. And it’s like learned behaviour. So it’s very hard to change that behaviour and, open up to the possibility of something else. So, it takes somebody else to trigger that change but you have to let that other person in to, in order to trigger the change. It’s difficult.

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Although Jennie does not like being on her own, loneliness has become her comfort zone which she is hesitant to expand.

Age at interview 58

Gender Male

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I don’t know really, like I’ve had. I think it makes me more like resistant to… Like, this week, I had someone from work… He asked if I wanted to go for a walk. And I kind of because I don’t see him outside of work, it just made me feel like worried to like see him outside of work, so I declined the invitation. So, I think I’m so used to being like at home by myself, that it, I don’t really want to step out of my comfort zone as much. So, even when there’s like potential to make some friends or like not be lonely, like I still find it hard to do, even though it’s what I want. But I still find it difficult, because it’s something different.

So, that is something that you think is a trait of being autistic?

Possibly. Like even though I’m not…Even though I’d prefer not to be on my own, it’s easier, because it’s just what I’m used to. So, I kind of don’t want to do anything that’s outside of what I normally do. It’s hard.

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Jodie says that being lonely has led to him cutting himself off from other people even more.

Gender Male

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I: Yeah, yeah, so, so loneliness has been a factor that kind of impacts decisions in your life?

R; Yeah, I think, yeah it does, it’s, it does [um] it, like I said, I think you just get consumed by it and, you know, people message you and you don’t message them back and, you know, you, you get very enclosed in yourself and it’s, it almost cut, it sort of consumes you and then you don’t know how to get out of it, you know, people I think when you don’t respond to people then they just don’t bother anymore so you just, it just sort of, you know, it definitely it gets worse.

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Carla thinks loneliness stops her reaching out to other people.

Gender Male

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In that sense, do you think loneliness changes the way that you look at yourself? The light under which you look at yourself? That makes you see yourself in a different light?

I think it has more to do with mood and with motivation. I feel like loneliness is a double-edged sword because it hurts you on one side and on the other side, it kind of prevents you from breaking the cycle.

Could you explain that to me a little more?

So I feel like when feel lonely, my mood gets dragged so low that I don’t have the motivation to do something to feel less lonely. So, I feel bad because I’m lonely and I feel worse because I can’t get around to doing something that will make me feel better.

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Marie managed to have a break from caring and stayed in a hotel room. She felt lonely there on her own though.

Gender Male

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This year before lockdown I did go away on my own to stay in a hotel room on my own [um] which is very daunting, very unusual.

I: How did you feel during that time?

Lonely. Lonely because you’re, you know, looking at, at the time thinking, ‘Oh what shall I do now? Shall I watch a programme? Shall I go to the bar? Should I have something to eat? Shall I have a shower?’ I’m not sharing the time with anybody, just myself but it was nice to have, have a room which was, which was made up nice. It was nice to I guess breathe a sigh, a sigh of freedom I would say. But I think I went away for a couple of nights, so it did get, get better the next day but then you’re thinking to yourself, ‘Is this normal?’ I don’t know, I’ve no idea.

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In order to escape loneliness, some people felt that they would have to take that extra step and leave their comfort zone.

Martin says to feel less lonely, you need to leave your comfort zone, even in baby steps.

Gender Male

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I’d say try and, try and acknowledge it for what it is and even if it’s a bit uncomfortable to even admit to yourself if that’s what it is, you know, just try and take those steps to do something that’s within your comfort zone but is gonna take you out of that, you know, you don’t have to go and join a club or anything or you can do it on your own terms but, you know, there’s always things that you can do just to take some baby steps out of it whether it is joining a group on social media or it might be, you know, joining an actual club or maybe it’s just, I don’t know go for a walk and bumping into somebody or maybe getting, getting a dog, you get a dog and so long as you can look after the dog if you’ve got money for stuff or you might meet other dog owners, you might even join a dog owners club or something but it’s like just try and take those baby steps out of it. And yeah don’t be ashamed to admit it and if you’ve got good friends and family around you, you know, just, you know acknowledge it with them because yeah it will be uncomfortable but ultimately you’ll be in a better place.

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Other people, like Jodie, told us they were worried about the future and how they would deal with any future health problems on their own. He described feeling lonely as “consuming” and “you don’t know how to get out of it”

“There’s a lot of emotions about being lonely. It’s like I say, you do feel like you’re invisible sometimes. You don’t exist and you’re sometimes you’re looking out the window and you’re seeing people go past and that, and that’s what you’re seeing.”

People also talked about different types of loneliness. One person talked about lonely being with a partner who drank a lot, then experiencing the loneliness of raising their children on her own.

Tracy described loneliness as something that is always there and she trusts it because she knows what to expect from it.

Gender Female

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I’m used to it. I wouldn’t say I’m comfortable in it, I think it’s, it’s, it’s like just something that’s always there. It’s reliable. I think I know where I stand when I’m lonely. It’s not something that’ll ever desert me, it’s not something that’s ever gonna disappear, it’s always going to be there because of everything that’s happened, and you kind of trust it because it is always there, and you kind of know what to expect from it. But every now and then you want to change it, and you want something different. But yeah it’s, it’s comfortable, [um] I’m, I wouldn’t say it’s an issue any more in the sense of it’s not the worst thing that’s going on in my life, being lonely.

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