I:  Now what about social care, do you receive any support from social care or other services for, for loneliness so, you know, like cooking classes, walking groups, have you ever?

Oh no, no, no I mean [County] a lovely place for scenery [um] but it’s got nothing in the way of services

I: Yeah so yes, so it’s, it’s the location isn’t it it’s very rural

Location is, is yeah it’s important, I always [um] think how nice it would be when, I’ve been in [Country] before and I’ve seen this trams going through and picking up workers and going, like a central spine to an area where they pick up people and I think oh I wish we could have a central spine through [County] where you could hop on a tram, you know, and then just get off somewhere, well that’s my fanciful ideas.

But the transport’s appalling, it’s expensive [um] it’s just, I know the budgets here have never been given properly so we’re always short of money down here anyway.

I mean it’s a small little village, the population I would say is maybe about 10,000, they’re all Catholic, they all go to the same chapel, they all go to the same schools, everybody knows each other. If you’re one of the people that stands out from the crowd it’s really noticed, you know? And when I was young I was quite effeminate, and I didn’t hide the fact that I was effeminate, I didn’t really care to be honest. And, you know, I used to dress differently from everybody else, and I didn’t like the same music as everybody else, I liked my own music, and I was very much into pop culture and that sort of thing, and very much into art, and nobody was really into that sort of thing. So like I did stand out from the crowd, but I didn’t really care.

How was the transition from your home country to the UK?

Very difficult.

Could you talk to me a little bit about that?

It’s just, beside the fact that I did not understand the culture, I mean I think not only like habits, like eating habits, or like I don’t know, it’s just emotionally I found it difficult to understand why people react, their emotions are different. And even in work now when I see people getting emotional I don’t understand why they react like this. I can accept this. I know how to work around it, but I don’t understand it completely.

Sorry, so in your culture people don’t get that emotional, or the other way around?

No. It’s different. Even if they express emotions, it’s a bit different. For example I feel like here, I mean people are very, some people are extremely, I don’t know how to say, they exaggerate their reaction to grief. Like, you know, when you bang your head on the wall. I’m a bit, you know, what, you know, very like screaming, or you know, getting very worked out. I don’t understand that. I think, that’s extreme to me. Or it’s the odd person. I don’t know. But sometimes when you see that you’re a bit, you know, you can hear people screaming or someone just yelling and making a… it doesn’t mean I don’t understand grief, it’s just I don’t understand, an unusual reaction to grief, I don’t understand. People cry and are upset in other countries but they don’t, um… it’s not extreme.

This is what I don’t understand. And another thing that I was very, very, am I’m still struggling with that is I feel like, you know, I need to sugar things up when you say a negative thing you need to… I come from a culture that is straightforward, not you need to sugar things up when you give like a, um, and you need to… yeah, and sometimes I think it’s just cultural to sugar things up and you need to learn how, what to say in a certain situation. I’m getting better at that.

So am I.

Yeah, it’s just sometimes when someone actually is sugaring you up but is saying extremely negative things to you, you’re like.

I can take it.

You’re thinking… I can take it. No, I can take it, it’s just I don’t understand what you, what’s the fuss. I don’t know. And, you now, even,

Was it hard to integrate in the British culture, have you felt?

Yeah, even now I feel like it’s difficult. Um, yes because you… I felt like in certain situations I get upset when people ask me in work, not ask me, let’s say I can, I’m at work and I can hear someone on the… asking in the background, “Oh, from what country is this person coming from? I want to see…” you know, “I would like to see,” you know, uh, um, “another person” or what, you know, “I don’t understand what you’re saying” or this kind of, when in some cases I get…

Really?

You, you,

You get discriminated like that?

It happened to me a few times. Not discriminated, let’s say, that I, not to my face, but I could hear someone asking about outside and I didn’t feel very good. And another thing that happened is people, if someone doesn’t like what you’re saying, when they say they don’t understand what you’re saying.You know, “Oh, I don’t understand what you’re saying.” Although they do understand what I’m saying but they don’t want to accept it because it’s, because they don’t want for any reason. So sometimes it does happen. Not very often, but you can get an odd case like this, you know.

So transitioning into the UK has been a lonely experience?

Yes, I think it’s for everyone I think it is.

And how?

I think for everyone. I mean I don’t know. It’s just from my point of view and my friends and the person that I, yeah, it is because you need to, it takes a couple of years, I would say, to find, you know, to kind of bond with some people, to have some close, to have a routine. Like even a social routine. It takes a couple of years to have a social, and to stay in one place for a while.

And then, obviously, I got used to being lonely.  I’m used to me own company, that’s a better way of doing it and here being in Thailand, loneliness is a big part of the ex-pat community. Being married to a Thai lady, by the way I met her in in England and she’s not 14.

I: What do you mean, she’s not fourteen, why would she be…

R: Oh, people think because I’m married to a Thai lady, I either bought her online or she’s a bar girl. It’s a typical UK assumption. I met my wife, my, my now wife in [name of county]. She’s about maybe six years younger than me but a lot of people think, they jump to conclusions, it’s typical.

I: It’s terrible.

R: Well it is but you just get used to it. I just don’t really mind anymore. So you do get lonely basically because of, well I’ve been told by friends and expats here. It’s quite simple, you marry a Thai lady. You’re in a different culture. Different land.” Different language, which is quite hard to, well it’s hard to learn and you either turn to drink and then you turn to drink, you then go to bars and then you end up having affairs, that’s a lot of what happens here because culture’s a big thing. So even though you’re married to somebody, the Thai culture’s quite different from the UK culture so it can be lonely even though you’re with somebody, if that makes sense.

So, you talked about a loneliness not having your family around. Could you expand on that a little bit?

Sure, like we have very close bonds with our families in [Country]. I’m coming from [Country], so you know, we grow up and we stay home until we kind of have to leave the house. Either for our studies or because we’re getting married or, you know. It’s not like in other countries that the moment you turn 16 or 18, you just leave the house. It’s not the norm.

So I mean, you know, so usually you go home, and your mum is waiting for you with a readymade, homemade meal that she made herself and it smells delicious. Everything is clean and sorted and tidied for you and you’re just being spoilt. Which is fantastic. And then a house full of your parents, your siblings and your friends, usually live within walking distance, if you come from a small town like me. So, yeah, it’s that kind of close environment with your family and your very close friends living tops ten minutes away from you. So, that’s my extended family.

But whereas in [city], in order to see anyone, you have to commute almost at least half an hour, either on the tube or by taxi or walk for half an hour to find your nearest friend. No one really lives close by unless you’re lucky enough. Well, I’ve been lucky enough to have people in the same building as me, my friends. But other than that, you have to arrange to see people a week in advance, at least, in order to, you know, fit it your schedule. In your very busy schedule.

I: So let’s talk about what you would, what you want in relationships. Why, what is that connection that you’re seeking?

Just, I think being judged is really difficult for me I don’t like being judged, so…
I: Have you had that a lot in your life?

Yeah, I’ve had that like I’ve had that for being different and I’ve also had that because of my culture. So in my culture you can’t really be different without being judged, people will judge you and think there’s something wrong with you or your parents did something or, you know, there’s all this extra baggage. So I have felt judged my whole life, so…

I: Could you talk to me more about your culture and being judged and if, you know, the, the being autistic afterwards helped people from your culture understand more, how, you know, all those factors how do they come in?

Yeah so in my culture like especially a woman if, if a woman is disabled or has something, anything different about her she almost gets blacklisted so because there’s all these things tied together with like marriage and, you know, everyone wants their daughter to be a doctor and anyone who’s not they’re not considered to be like the right social status and things like that so it’s very there’s a lot of social status involved, and so disability is really like something that changes how you’re seen by people. So I do tell people I’m autistic because I think somebody has to start, you know, somebody has to show them it’s not anything to be scared of and but it has resulted in me kind of being exiled they don’t really, like my family don’t really, you know, they, like I told a family member I’m autistic and she kind of was like ahh right okay and then we had a little bit of an argument and she goes oh you’re just too much and I kind of felt like she wouldn’t have said that if she hadn’t known I was autistic so it almost gets weaponised