I: Have you ever tried to join any forum or any support group for loneliness?

R: No.

I: No. Would it be out of your comfort zone do you think? Or is it what we discussed?

R: Do you know what, I’ll tell you… So I have been to a couple of groups, but the groups I’ve been to.. I mean I went to one once which was for gay men that were I suppose you could say lonely, but just gay men that were struggling in their life with anything, it didn’t have to be a particular problem, it was just any struggle you had. So I went to this group situation and there was about 6 of us, but I just felt so uncomfortable the whole way through.

I felt embarrassed about talking about my problems, I felt that everybody was judging me, and also in those sort of groups I always found it was one person that tries to take over the whole thing. So there’s always one person that’s larger than everyone else and always wants to get their point across more than anybody else, and they just annoy me.[laughing] So I think I’d done about 3 sessions and I just left because I was like I can’t bear that person anymore, and I just left and I did say to the trainer “I’m really struggling with that guy and he’s really making me feel uncomfortable” and the trainer said, “well, you know, it’s for everybody so I can’t tell him not to come” and I went “that’s fine, I’ll just drop out of it, it’s no problem.” So I just find myself really uncomfortable in those sorts of situations. Which is I think why I like therapy a lot more because it’s 1 on 1, you know?

R: So they obviously recommended me to that group work, they also recommended me to counselling, and they also had drop-in centres where, this is in [city] though, not in [city], they had drop-in centres where on a Tuesday night if you were feeling a bit low, you were feeling a bit lonely, you could just go to this drop-in centre, there’d be people there chatting, having tea. Wasn’t anything formal, but it was just if you were feeling lonely and you could drop in. So actually I did do that a couple of times and it was really, really helpful, and you could meet all sorts of strangers you know, and it was just people that wanted a chat.

I: So it wasn’t that group, that…?

R: No, that was a lot more structured, so that was the kind of place where you walked in, there were 6 seats sat there and then they would go round you one by one and I just felt so uncomfortable, like really embarrassed. But this one was a drop-in and you would just sit down beside somebody and you would start chatting to them and that was it, very, very informal. And it was really nice actually. So I did do that for a couple of years.

I: That was more comfortable than the structured ones?

R: It was more comfortable, yeah, much more comfortable. And there wasn’t somebody analysing everything that you were saying, because in the group work you had a trainer there, who I didn’t think was very good actually, but he was analysing everything that you were saying, I suppose to question you, which is fine, but I didn’t think that he had the tools to… He couldn’t keep the group under control.

I: Because somebody else was leading the group?

R:Yeah, yeah. One of the participants was leading the group and not him.

Okay, so now is it, what really prevents you from seeking company of others in those kinds of groups?

Because I’m kind of like scared, I do have a feeling that everyone will be looking at me because I’m getting shy very quickly and my face goes red and people, that’s something that people will be like they will like commenting on that, you know, talking behind my back. I struggle they see some kind of like, you know, like scenario that, you know, something will go wrong without even knowing whether it will go wrong. And, and the fear of kind of like being hurt again, you know, even though that’s as you are saying why don’t you join some kind of group a simple group, you know, cooking group or something but I’m scared that therefore I’m gonna say xxxx things too private about me to someone xxxxx and trust them and then it’s gonna be like, if I can say so, used against me like the next day I’m gonna find out that this person would say that to this, this, and this person, you know.

Yeah, no that’s a very legit reason.

And as I said I don’t really feel comfortable people being like surrounded by people that I completely don’t know, you know?

Yeah, yeah right. Have you ever sought help from the GP in relation to loneliness?

So basically since 2018 I was, I was doing group sessions with the therapist it was a CBT therapy.

So group therapy with CBT?

Yeah

I’ve never heard of that, was it nice?

No

Okay

Because it was in a group I was ashamed to speak about my problems because again I was scared even though that they say always at the beginning of each meeting that whatever was said over here or any kind of details blah, blah stays only here, I didn’t trust that, I was always scared that some things gonna get out, you know. But now because my scoring went quite low because it was 2018/2019 I found another job it was the pharmacy job and I was, they didn’t allow me to, to go to the meeting again for like I think half way through I’d have to resign and this year I went down the hill like completely and I was doing again CBT, a group one through the Microsoft Teams as well like with you right now, but thank God this lady was doing like follow ups after two weeks and I told her I said look I’m just, I’m just going the wrong way again very quickly and she referred me to one to one sessions, you know, so today I did have the last meeting of one to one session, it was also kind of like a CBT but at least I didn’t have to be kind of scared, you know, that someone else going to listen to my problem and they will judge me and they will talk about it, you know?

I: Did you ever find a group that you thought were experiencing the same emotions as you or had similar experiences to you that you could feel more a sense of belonging?

No, not even at like Home Start groups and mother and baby groups and stuff, again it was the very much the, the cliques as it were because all the mums seemed to know each other so given the fact that you’ve all just had a baby and you’re all going through the same thing instead it was kind of almost a kind of instead of supporting each other it was very much well let’s just stick to our little cliques and stare at anyone who walks in that we don’t know and again that, horrible, absolutely horrible and because you’ve got a baby with you and a two year old and your two year old’s kicking off you feel that everyone’s judging you as well. And it kind of alienates you further.

They’d kind of had however many children so they’d gone through these groups before, so they had a set of friends where as I was a complete outsider, didn’t know anyone in these groups and no-one really made much of an effort to kind of reach out and say oh, you know, come and sit with us or come, and there was never any of that. So it, you know, and like I said we were all in the same boat we’d all just had children and navigating our way through sleepless nights because the mothers they were already in their groups they weren’t kind of oh come and sit with us or come and, you know, come and sit here it was like oh you’re an outsider you’re on your own.

I: So, so it was like school again?

Yeah, very much so

I: Have you ever gone to activities to meet people like local group activities?

No never felt I had the confidence to, to be fair and the, the idea of walking into a room and not knowing anyone is absolutely anxiety inducing.

Well, OK. So when my husband died… I come from a country – [name of country] is very famous in Latin America because we are a country obsessed with psychotherapy, so everyone has a psychotherapist. OK? WE have I think we have more psychotherapists than, than in New York. OK? So you know it’s like the concentration of psychotherapists. And there’s no stigma. So many conversations start with like, ‘As my therapist says’, and nobody bats an eyelid. So, when, when my husband died – I’m very lucky, you know I have a very very good brother – my husband died and one day I realised that he was supposed to meet up with some people in the US, and you know of course he didn’t go to the meeting because he was dead. And you know I replied… I found out the details of the people with help of and wrote to them to say that you know this is what had happened. My brother phoned you know me after that and he found me like crying my guts out because I didn’t know if I had said the right thing, which you know is ridiculous because you think like your husband died, you said what you could, you know? He was like, ‘You need some help’. And he helped me find a therapist in, in London. And I started therapy and I did therapy for a few years in London. I think it was three overall. I had done therapy in the past because my mum suffered from depression like most of my life. At university I had therapy, it helped me cope. So, I knew that it was going to be good for me. I personally believe that taking therapy is with the right professional is extremely… Okay, personally – and this is my personal opinion – I wouldn’t do cognitive behavioural therapy because personally I don’t feel like you go to the source of the problem, you stay on the symptoms of the problem. So you know I personally like to understand why I am feeling you know in a particular way. I wouldn’t want a doctor to give me you know an aspirin for a headache that might be a tumour.

But the thing that gets me through my loneliness in the mainstream I’d say is my therapy, because I just know once a fortnight I’ve got that time to just tell somebody how I’m feeling, and probably not somebody that’s involved in my day-to-day life, because I never see this person apart from my therapy sessions, so I don’t know anything about them. But I’ve got that outlet just to get everything that’s up here out. And I don’t feel as isolated, and that works for me. I know that’s not going to work for everybody and some people will like a group work situation where they can go and tell their problems to a few people, that doesn’t work for me at all. So for me it’s a therapy-based thing.

Have you ever tried support groups or forums in relation to loneliness, not specifically now or maybe in the past?

Not directly loneliness but I did receive counselling support through work and a charity in the North East called [name of charity] which is also a counselling service. This was due because of my epilepsy, I had a bad run of seizures and that knocked my confidence right down the bottom. I felt really kind of isolated because I felt everyone’s carrying with this chronic condition and I actually did start contemplating taking my own life.

I’m really sorry.

No it’s not your fault.

It’s not your fault either.

I know.

But you’re better now?

Yes, yes I’m better.

Okay, could you tell me a little bit about how that consultations helped you get out of that isolation zone?

I think it was just, you know, they taught us how to appreciate despite the fact I’ve had this illness, you know, I’m still surrounded by people who would be deeply hurt if I did end my life and I was also as well worried that I was going to lose my job and again thankfully work reassured us that wasn’t the case because that was one thing I was really in a state of worry about and that’s what pushed my anxiety right up.

It would be better. It’s not so much that you need to have one on one therapy with someone to deal with loneliness, it’s, it’s finding that connection with people who have similar experiences, to make them know that they will get through it, they will be okay, and that other people feel it too. So I think some kind of support, not, I don’t want to say support group cos I don’t, I don’t, it is support but it’s not support. It’s more an understanding group.