And then in November, last year, so 2019, my brother passed away. He had lung cancer.

I: Oh, Lisa, I’m so sorry.

So, he had the leukaemia when he was five. And then he had several cases of tumours like throughout his life. And then, when he was 24, in 2019 he passed away because the lung cancer got too much and in the end that’s what killed him. [9:13][EM3]

I: I’m so sorry, Lisa.

And it was really hard, like not to relapse then as well. Because obviously, like I said, he was like my rock. And like, I always knew that my reason for getting better was him. So, to not have him here now, it’s like well what the point? Like what’s the point in staying better? But I’m learning that I need to do that for me. Not like to everyone else.

I: So, it must have been, it must be now very hard without your brother.

It is. It is. And again, that’s thrown me because if I was having a bad time, he would be the person that I’d talk to. I still talk to him now. People will think I’m mad because I sit here talking to him. But, yeah, it’s strange because I come home from work and like I go to speak with him, or I go to phone him, or I go for like messaging about something. He’s not here.

In October last year, we were told that he had a year and then within a month, he was being buried. So, like the lung cancer progressed so quickly that he was literally sent home from hospital to die basically.

I: It must have been very hard for you and your family.

It’s like, when I looked after… because I’m obviously a carer at work, I looked after him at home because that’s what he wanted.

I: In the end as well? During the…

In the end, yeah. So, they told him in hospital that he was going to die. And he said, “Well, I want to go home so that my sister can look after me.” Like, they said to him, did he want to stay in hospital or did he want to go to a hospice. And he said, “No, I want to go home so my sister can nurse me.

I: You must have had a very special relationship.

We did. We were so close.We were so close. And like I said, you know, he didn’t want anyone else to help him but me. So, it was a case of I’m working, like actually working, and then coming home, looking after him, and then going back to work the next day and coming home to… so it was like 24-hour fight, but I’d do it all again because it was for him.

I: So, you had to cope with the bereavement as well and not relapsing.

Yeah.

I: That must have been very hard, Lisa.

It was. And again, that was lonely as well. Because obviously I had to be strong for my family and I had to be strong for me. And like I had to do everything for my brother, cos I promised my brother I would do like all this kind of stuff and I had to like keep up with that. So, it was running on empty for quite some time.

I: Wow. OK. So, how has it been without your brother all this time?

Yeah, I can’t see it gets easier. It doesn’t get easier but it’s more manageable. Like because we just celebrated… not actually celebrated… we’ve got gone past like the one-year anniversary. That was like two weeks ago. So, I think like once you’ve done all the firsts, then it kind of becomes normal in a way. I still come home and like I think that he’s here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he basically went to work in the morning and you know didn’t come back. So, he had a heart attack. It was really traumatic. Because we were really, really close – we were extremely close – and we had an incredible relationship. And he went to work – he was working in [University in the UK] – and he had organised a basketball game with his friends and he didn’t come home at the time that he was supposed to come back home, that 8pm. He was never late. And he didn’t like carrying a mobile phone because he just didn’t, and basically when he didn’t come back by 10pm I realised that something really bad had happened, so I had to have, I had to call the police to look for him. And yeah, it took another three and half hours to be told that he was dead in a hospital in [city]. So it was really, really traumatic. I remember you know we had a lovely house and I remember standing at the bottom of of the stairs to go to sleep one night and kind of seeing my life in front of me you know reduce… You know those images they show of Coventry after the bombing? You know, Coventry is reduced to just like you know like rubble. That’s how my life felt. I felt that I was standing in front of my life and it felt like that you know. It took me a long time to recover from that. And I think that is as I said before, for me… I did therapy, you know I did talking therapy after that and I once told my therapist, ‘I am not alone, I am lonely’. It’s very different. People think that you know people who are alone are lonely. Not everyone who is alone is lonely and not everyone who is lonely is alone. They are two very different things. So you know that’s when, you know I was very lucky; I had, I had a lot of support from many incredible people. But you know it’s very different from being like with someone you can actually share stuff like all the stuff with, so yeah.

Yes. It’s just like basically, you know for me it was a trauma you know. I cannot tell you how traumatic it is to have the police knock at your door and tell you your husband dropped dead you know, it’s just like literally. As I put it to my friends, in morning I thought I was the happiest woman in the world, in the evening I thought I was the unhappiest woman in the world. So it’s just like you know, basically you have to, your life lies in front of you and you’ve got to start rebuilding like from scratch…you know because I mean not really from scratch, but it does feel like it is from scratch. So, So yeah, that’s what I would say they are very related, PTSD and loneliness. In my case, at least.

So, for instance, you know I know this woman who lost her husband close to [name of husband] death, but she was in her 70s. I always say – or 80s, or whatever – and I say, I always say, ‘You lost a lot of past, but not so much future’. ‘I lost a lot of future and not so much past’. You know it’s very different problematics. It’s very different to be on your own when you let’s say in your 70s and maybe you are a grandparent, and you have a completely different role in life than when you are you know just a young person who had their whole life to go.