Living with dementia and memory problems

Ray, if you’re able to give a piece of advice to someone that might be in a similar situation to you and struggling with their memory, what would you want to say to them?

Ray: Oh blimey [laughter]. Have a good wife [laughter]- and find things to do – with other people.

Barbara: Mm. But that, that then; you need help to do that though don’t you?

And that’s, that’s perhaps something we did actually, as I say, we did have the social prescriber round, didn’t we? And she was going to go with you to Men in Sheds but they hadn’t started at that point and then nothing actually happened with that. But that is perhaps something that, I don’t know, it was sort of like after, when he’d had his fall and he did, because he had said he wanted to play golf, but then you weren’t wanting to play golf; so, it was a difficult time really. But I would say that it’s definitely worth the social prescriber.

Someone to point you in the right direction to, how to find these places.

Barbara: Mm, yeah, it’s worth a start, worth a try, yeah.

Daughter: A volunteer, isn’t he? Through carers resources, he’s, and they have volunteers, and they asked if dad would like a male friend. Because you’re surrounded by women in this family, aren’t you, mum and two daughters. So, he’s your male friend.

Lawrence: Oh, oh don’t be so daft. You’re OK, you’re all right. Yeah, so yeah.

Daughter: So, it was through carers, wasn’t it?

Lawrence: Through carers.

So that’s a local organisation that has volunteers?

Lawrence: Yeah, yeah, volunteers and, yeah.

Daughter: You go walking with him though, don’t you, dad?

Lawrence: Yeah, oh walking, right, yeah.

Daughter: For walks.

Lawrence: Walking things.

Daughter: And you’ve, you’ve done bowling with him.

Lawrence: Yeah, oh the bowl, bowling’s just taken off a month now and we’re going to go, carry on with that with a bit of luck.

Oh right. Whereabouts is that then; is it local?

Lawrence: It’s just, yeah, just ten minutes, fifteen/twenty minutes that way.

Daughter: And you beat him, don’t you?

Lawrence: Eh?

Daughter: You keep beating him.

Lawrence: Oh, I beat him, yeah, of course but it’s only silly so it doesn’t matter.

Is there, is there a group of you go or is it just the two of you?

Lawrence: Just two because we bowl together, he, we change it probably one week or two weeks or whatever.

So, what kind of bowling is it, like a bowling alley or a green?

Lawrence: Just a bowl, bowling alley, yes, it’s just a bowl.

Daughter: The grass, isn’t it, dad?

Lawrence: The grass, yeah.

Daughter: It’s lovely, isn’t it?

Lawrence: Yeah.

Ah like, like green bowling sort of thing?

Daughter: Mm, mm.

Lawrence: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s great. We hope we can keep it, keep it going. On just every, but every Tueday.

Lawrence: Yeah, he comes, and he came with it and he went, “Flipping heck, have I got you?” And it was great, “Yeah, sorry about that, I real, I really do, I’m really sad, aren’t I?” and what to think. So anyway, he was great and I think, then anyway he’s sent a card.

Daughter: Tell about, what do you do with [volunteer name], you, tell them about his, his car and what you do with [volunteer name].

Lawrence: Oh, the car; well, oh, oh it’s just that he’s er, he has his own cars as well when he comes on every, well it, now it’s on Tuedays, on the Tuedays regular, but at the moment we miss, we’ve gone two weeks.

Daughter: He’s on holiday, isn’t he?

Lawrence: Holidays, two weeks, three days and that, and we did, he used, he, the first time when I met him I, I knew he would be great, he’s, in a, and, and he was in a blue car and it was the first, he said, “Right,” he said, “so about you with, with the car when.” “I’m not bothered with the driving.” And he went, “OK.” And it’s in; what was the car?

Daughter: It was a Porsche, wasn’t it?

Lawrence: Porsche, so.

Daughter: An open top.

Lawrence: He gets in the Porsche and drives it like, and I went, “Oh it’s nice, this is a nice car and I would like,” I said, “I would have liked it to have gone like that.” And I tell you he did exactly, he went, “Right [Lawrence], I’ll tell you what, let’s just give it a bit of vroom.” And it really was over the, one hundred, over the hundred like, and I went, “Hey er, do you think you can get it up even more than that?” Anyway, he slowed down; we have, we, we still laugh about it. Anyway, yeah.

Wow. That’s, that; so. 

Lawrence: [Cough] Sorry.

That sounds like an interesting thing, person to come and visit you.

Lawrence: Yeah.

That’s got, something a bit different, isn’t it?

Lawrence: Yeah, exactly, yeah, yeah.

And are there people, how did you find out about it? Are there people you know?

Joan: Yeah, yeah, know, yeah, yeah. Was it [daughter] that came to our house and mentioned going there?

Carl: Yeah.

Joan: Yeah, yeah, which is my daughter.

So; ah OK.

Joan: Yeah, mm hmm.

What does she do?

Joan: She’s a doctor.

Ah right, OK.

Joan: Mm hmm, yeah.

So did she sort of say “That would be a good thing for you to.

Joan: Well, she did, yes, more or less, yeah.

To go along to”?

Joan: Yeah, mm hmm, mm hmm.

So, if your daughter’s mentioned, she’s sort of advised that that might be a good place for you to go, a nice place to go.

Joan: Yeah.

What, have you been back since? I think it’s two or three weeks since I went.

Joan: Oh yes, I’ve been, I’ve been, yeah, yeah, I’ve been, yeah, mm.

And so, is it something you feel you would go to regularly?

Joan: Yeah, yeah, I can, yeah, some, yeah.

And did you?

Joan: At least there’s somebody else you can sit and talk to and things like that there; so, it’s, yeah. Mm, I don’t sit at home on my own [laughs].

So, what’s Men in Sheds? What does that [Ray laughs] involve? 

Ray: It’s men in there [laughter] talking.

Ah.

Barbara: They’ve only just started it and for the first week they just handed a few things around talking, well you just went and chat really, and they were talking to you, and you, you came out quite positive, you came home quite early, didn’t you, but you were still quite positive.

Ray: Well inside, inside this, it’s a.

Barbara: Shed.

Ray: This shed.

Barbara: Shed, like a container.

Ray: Are, are lots of machinery.

Barbara: Mm.

Ray: Which you, people use to do things with, like cutting, it could be cutting wood, it could be cutting metal, things like that. And, and I was not really sure about something like that; I don’t want to, to go and be, be doing something to make something and, and then find out that I’m not, it, it’s not for me and that I couldn’t do it.

Barbara: Mm.

Ray: You know, and I certainly didn’t want to cut my hand off or anything like that because some of them looked really, you know.

Barbara: Well, they will do, yeah.

Barbara: The things that whizzed round and stuff; I’d seen them before in those sort of places actually.

Ray: But, but they put your mind at rest didn’t they?

So, when they sort of told you that, was there any, was there any information that came with that, any maybe support or suggestions as to where you might get some help or?

Yes, absolutely; after, after the diagnosis then they told me all about the local support groups, was, was given lots of reading material; I’m afraid to say that I haven’t read the, the big one about all the problems I’m liable to meet in the future but I, I will get down to it. I just got so depressed after page 30 I thought I’d put it to one side and I haven’t picked it up again and I should. The, but yes, and, and been along to one of the local meetings and I guess that was sort of a, a bit of a wake-up call in the sense that I could see where I was, with what, whatever condition I have got, and I’ve got to accept I’ve got Alzheimer’s, although it might not be, but that’s a very little might not be, and at this particular point I’m fairly, I’m still fairly independent, fairly, I can do things myself.

And, yes, of course I should react, yes, of course I should respond in case it is, it would be daft to sit and do nothing at, at this particular point. So been following the advice. I really did stop reading it at page 30, and I know it was page 30 [laughs] because I was getting too depressed. I’m probably that bit further now, I’m about two or three months away from reading that information; it’s probably time to sit down and read the rest of it because I’m a bit more at ease with the consequences.