Beverley
Beverley’s 87-year-old father is planning for care. Beverley’s father-in-law, who lived locally to her, was cared for by Beverley, her partner and his two siblings. They all shared decisions and responsibility for looking after him. He remained in his own home and his cleaner gradually took on the role of carer.
Beverley, aged 68, is educated to Masters level and is a retired museum curator. She lives with her partner and they were both involved with care decisions about her partner’s father. Beverley is now supporting her own father to plan care.
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Like many family carers, Beverley has been involved in the care of her mother, father-in-law and is now thinking about her own father’s future in his advancing years. Her father had cared for her mother who was living with dementia. Although her father, aged 87, is currently coping well in his own home, Beverley and her sister are starting to notice signs that he may soon need extra help. The two sisters are working out the options, for example, whether he should move to live nearer to one of his daughters. Beverley feels it is more complicated because he lives such a long way from his daughters. They worry about how he is managing and they don’t always agree on what would be right for their father.
Beverley has enquired about local care agencies as she feels this would be the best way to cope being such a long distance away but she noted that the hourly rate, even at only one hour per day, would soon mount up. As an alternative, Beverley has searched for homes local to her and has put her father’s name on a waiting list for one she liked. Beverley knows that her father can afford to pay for care and she is happy for him to spend all his money if it is needed. However, she recognises her attitude might be different if she had children and was perhaps thinking about their inheritance.
Beverley had previously helped with the care of her father-in-law. After his wife died the family noticed he was needing help just with household tasks and shopping. They employed a cleaner and Beverley, her partner and his two siblings would make sure someone looked in on their father each day. The cleaner, who was a neighbour, gradually took on preparing meals and eventually carrying out personal care. This gradual transition of care, over a period of around five years, worked out well as their father knew and trusted the carer and he did not see this as an intrusion in his home. Beverley’s father-in-law was diagnosed with vascular dementia and one of his sons found out, through the doctor, about benefits available including Attendance Allowance and a reduction in Council Tax.
Beverley asked friends if they could recommend a care home locally.
Beverley asked friends if they could recommend a care home locally.
I asked around of various friends, and the friend who’s the private carer, and she recommended two places in [city]. She said there’s the, a nursing home in [town], which is supposed to be very good. And we’d also thought about that for my father-in-law, because his, he was a mason, and if you’re a mason you get into that one and it’s very good. And then, she also mentioned [care home]. I’ve heard of [care home] before, and my partner, who’s self-employed builder has worked there, and a few years ago… And he came home, and he said, “We should put our names down, it’s really nice, we’ve got to live somewhere in our old age.” I thought well, if, you know. And it does, and they do, and they are lovely, so helpful when you contact them and everything. It’s just the waiting list. But because, I’m really glad I have put my father’s name down, because although he hasn’t asked for any help like that yet, and I haven’t even told him, to be honest, but if he does say, I think it’s time, then at least, you know, he’s on the list now.
Beverley describes when she realised her father was going to need some extra care.
Beverley describes when she realised her father was going to need some extra care.
And the thing is you don’t… The first time it happens, you don’t realise what’s happening, it suddenly twigs that the person who used to be able to look after themselves can’t any more. And it’s not just that they’re slowing down, there’s something cognitively wrong. And it’s not until you realise that, that you start doing things. And it’s, because it’s all little bit, by little bit, by little bit and it only gradually gets worse. It would be awful if somebody just had a really bad accident and you had to look after them from then, because then you… But then again, I suppose, if that happened, you’d be in hospital and the hospital would guide you, one would hope [laughs]. Maybe not. Maybe I’m being naïve. But anyway, because all this happened gradually with my mother and my father-in-law, and now with my father, you just do things bit, by bit, by bit.
Beverley told us how she found a cleaner to help out.
Beverley told us how she found a cleaner to help out.
So she was on her own and next door, and she’d always known [name]. And she started off doing cleaning. She put a thing through the door saying, ‘Cleaner – £10 an hour’ and we thought, ‘oh, wonderful’.
And then she started cooking for him, and then she even used to rub all the emollient cream in him, for his skin, and everything. She was wonderful, and very honest, of course. So it was the perfect arrangement, really.