Margaret: Well yes.We have been together, we have been together nine years, but in January 2000 he took an overdose and he was living with me at the time. And I had gone out and he had taken the tablets while I was out in the middle of the afternoon, and from then on, it is almost obsessive me trying to make sure that everything is all right because it was very difficult to work out the reasons behind all that and what was involved. So I feel responsible for him.

I do feel responsible for him. So I always try and work out what he is thinking or try to see if I can work out what he is thinking and how things are going. But then we end up, we end up falling out because I do become too possessive of him, because I want to know exactly what he is doing and what he is thinking and I just have this fear that we might be back where we were then, seven and a half years ago and I don’t think I could cope with that.

Daniel: I constantly have to tell her that I don’t want to kill myself and I don’t feel suicidal and stuff.

Margaret: But a lot of the times in the seven years he says he has and he has demonstrated in a lot of various ways that he wants to harm himself and he forgets that. And that is an issue.He does forget a lot of things. And he will forget important things and he will say, Oh well you now, don’t fuss because I am not going to kill myself But then I’m thinking, well, what you were you doing two years ago?What were you doing six months ago? Whatever. Something that was quite dangerous and would physically harm him, all the ideas and thoughts that he has had. So even though he says he is not going to do it again, I am stuck with this thought that I am not sure he understands what he is actually doing when he is doing it.

Daniel: One of the sort of main problems I have is if I am ill or anything like that, as in physically ill, I tend to get these sort of psychoses where I constantly think about harming myself and everything and I don’t want to do it. But it is like, it is it is almost like a Tourettezian thing of I want to harm myself which is really strange. But, I know damn well I don’t want to do it sort of thing. But sometimes, because, if it lasts a long time, sometimes it does get to the point where I think well you know, life like, you know, it is like me brainconstantly telling me one thing and me heart or whatever other part is telling me something else. And eventuallyit is almost a battle of wills between meself. It sounds a bit multiple personality.But yes.

Had you heard about Asperger syndrome before then?

Yes. Although I have to say I can’t terribly remember exactly when would be the first time I heard of it. I mean I remember from being very young and always having an awareness of being somewhat different and I think sort of multiple factors could be involved in that. I think sort of things eventually came to a head when in the summer holidays between transferring from fifth to sixth year in the high school, ended up overdosing and ending up in hospital and sort of sat there thinking, you know, I am not really terribly happy with the way my life is. And at that point, you know, I, you know, I socialised with people in school, didn’t really at all outside of school, didn’t go to parties, didn’t to the pub which naturally every one else did do.

And so I sort of resolved that in that sixth year of high school, I would do the normal people things. I would go out to parties. I would go out and get drunk and do all these social things. And thankfully, you know, my university requirements were basically nothing, so I didn’t actually have to academically do anything that year so I really sort of did have a year where I could go out and get plastered on a very regular basis [laughs] and it didn’t at that stage make a huge impact in my life.

I did feel it was very helpful because I had that time to do lots of things, drink far too much, learn [2 sec pause] how one behaves or is expected to behave in these sort of social situations, so that when I did go to university it wasn’t a shock. I was prepared for it all. And to be honest, I went out all the time, got drunk far too often, as many students do and academically was incredibly unsuccessful. But from a social perspective, it was very successful, I would say. You know I did all sorts of things that everyone does to excess I think I sort of coped really terribly well with it.

Unfortunately during my last year of college I did suffer from depression which for an autistic person is not good, because obviously the whole emotion thing. It was really, really hard, and that affected me at work really and because I weren’t able to sort it say it, you know, or even understand how I was feeling half the time. Because, you know, depression’s a hard thing to describe really.

You know, you’re just down all the time, and yes, it was really, really hard, and unfortunately it did take an effect on my work. My last year of college, there was a moment at college where I just thought about just not bothering with anything anymore, because it was just at point where I felt nothing was working for me really. Just differences became over complicated and it was really, really hard, and thank goodness that someone actually noticed that, because obviously I can’t, I can’t tell myself because obviously my emotions aren’t really my thing, but, someone noticed at sch at my college and they then informed my parents and then my parents then informed someone that was an expert in autism at the time. Someone called [name] who used to basically, well she was just an expert on the whole thing and she sort of got me really sorted out and stuff. Helped out and that and just expressed to the teachers and stuff you know, that, that I had this problem, and you know, it wasn’t necessarily, you know, my fault that I was depressed and stuff, which is what, you know, I had to deal with it really.

What do you think caused the depression?

You see that’s really, I think it was a mixture of things. What happened was, which I think was the main cause, the main problem, what caused it mainly was, when I joined college, we had a class and stuff and you sort of had to make friends all over again, after you leave school which was quite difficult for me obviously. And I made some really good friends and throughout each year of my course, and I passed the first course and then gone to the next level, I had always a friend there. And when I got to my third year, that sort, those sort of friends I made had started leaving.

Did you take antidepressants?

No I didn’t. I didn’t take any medication. I tried not to take any medication for my autism whatsoever, even some days where my anxiety and my insecurity is really bad I don’t take any medication for it. I do have some like rescue remedies and stuff as I call them upstairs and stuff, like just sort, like basically just like relaxing, they’re not medical, like doctor medication or anything like. Just basically natural remedies and stuff like that, and that sometimes does help. I didn’t take anything when I was at school, no, college I mean, I didn’t take anything, which might have been a good thing, it might have been a bad thing. But I feel that sometimes with medication it sometimes suppresses the issue rather than solves it. So, yeah, that’s my opinion. You know, for some other people it may help, and some others it may not.

And you used to rely on antidepressants?

Yes.

How do you feel about that?

Mixed emotions I think. I suppose it’s good because I’m a little more under control, although I wouldn’t say under enough control, because there are still points where I’m prone to outbursts and anger and bitterness and you know, being miserable. But I suppose that happens to a lot of people today. So it kind of reduces that, but I’d rather some more permanent, a more permanent solution was found. You know, if I could find some kind of cure which makes it stop dead in its tracks, then that would be fantastic rather than having to go through the morning ritual that I must take my pill. My antidepressant pill every morning otherwise that day I’m going to feel absolutely awful. So that’s, that’s kind of a down, a down point on it. If I, if I do forget then a lot of people will notice. People will notice, particularly in my family. they’re quite receptive to my mood changes.

What do you think, what could help you do you think?

Well I think they’ve helped me in part by, by altering the medication that’s assisting with my depressions and that has by tackling the depression they’ve improved the concentration a bit, but I think, myself, that looking at things like, you know, attention deficit disorder in adults, I mean which is, it was long thought that it was a childhood problem only. But I understand that there’s some psychological work done in Australia, where it’s been particularly, you know, people have come to the understanding that it does persist into adulthood, you know, not with the kind of hyperactive symptoms that you might see in children. But I would think that some of the potential treatments for that and there are drugs that are given for attention deficit. There are, you know, the mild amphetamines like Ritilin, things that are like mild stimulants, the mild amphetamines that are used, things to treat attention deficit. I would think could very well assist with my mental functioning there. But the psychiatric opinion that I’ve come across locally is to say is to not know about attention deficit as distinct from hyperactivity. And that their thinking if you’re not displaying symptoms of physical hyperactivity, you can’t really be suffering from attention deficit problems, and I think they are mistaken on that, but that’s, that’s the opinion they’ve, they’ve come to. And it’s very hard to know where to go if your own psychiatrist is disagreeing with it, I’m not saying that’s the end of the road, but it’s hard to know as an individual patient to know where to go for further assistance really.

In terms of you’re saying about your concentration?

Yes.

What is it exactly that, I mean can you describe to me what it is the problem you have concentrating?

Yes. I think it’s more than one problem there. I think it’s on one level it’s thinking can be slower than the average person. And there’s also distractibility, the business of being distracted by other events and other environmental factors. As well as a sort of obsessional approach to things that, that otherwise slows you down. So I think it’s, you know, I know you want to discuss employment situation later, but you know, if you’re working in an office situation and you are much slower than the average person at doing the work that almost inevitability undermines your position as far as the employers concerned.

Oh everything really. Everything bad is like a little, I don’t know it’s like, ingredient into a cake, everything’s an ingredient and it makes some kind of evil cake that’s trying to kill me, kind of thing. it’s not very good imagery, but, that’s how it supposedly feels. It feels like they are two people inside of me. One is, both are intelligent, but one’s kind of evil and angry and delights in pain, and is a bit of a sadist, but, and the other’s like all sweetness and light. I think they kind of fight and that’s what makes me like I am. Very strange.

Do you take antidepressants?

No.

Is this a sort of ongoing thing or is it just occasionally?

it’s been ongoing since about year ten, kind of like first, mini breakdown slash meltdown. The problem is I’m just not very good at dealing with emotions of any kind. I’m good at dealing with happiness, yes, I’m good at dealing with happiness, it’s just any other emotion I’m not that good at, dealing with

Have you found sort of strategies for dealing with this?

No. We don’t really have any strategy of any kind. Probably because we keep on being messed about by mental health services, they’re here, they’re there, they’re everywhere. they’re nowhere. Finding a decent mental health service that will actually stay with you, is like trying to find the Scarlett Pimpernel.

I think the reason why I think that’s sort of important is that I think we’ve all learned a lot in the last few years, and, in terms of my sister and her two, two of five are on the autistic spectrum. And being a parent and a grandparent, and being able to communicate in a different way. Having more understanding about what it means, and what, you know, understanding what needs to happen in order to keep my health happy and healthy, and everything else, and become more sort of happy and tolerant of my family. And it’s sort of that sort of learning thing that I think’s the most important thing for me, as an adult with a late diagnosis, is that it’s again, being kinder, being more understanding. And have more tolerance, of both myself and my family. That’s probably the biggest benefit out of having the diagnosis, I think. I just really wanted to sort of emphasise that, as a sort of key thing.