Gradually she has withdrawn from almost all domestic responsibilities. She was a very, very efficient household manager but that has virtually gone although occasionally she shows a willingness and indeed an ability to do certain things like ironing although she usually leaves the iron on afterwards, or simply walks away from it in the middle and gets on with something else.

She can’t cook but she can help with cooking so what I normally do is suggest that she cut up the vegetables or sets the table or something like that. She doesn’t do any cleaning although again from time to time she will polish a table or put a duster round but in a rather disorganised way. Initially when I seemed to be taking over responsibilities in the house she was resistant and said ‘You’re taking everything away from me. But now shes quite happy about that, shes perfectly happy for me to take the lead in the house and also in matters like shopping and so on.

The other area in the home which has been difficult but which were gradually coming to terms with is the fact that she does need help from me with washing and dressing. Now that was an enormous issue about twelve months ago when she simply refused to wash, to shower and would grab any old clothes, dirty clothes out of the wardrobe and dress, not exactly inappropriately but in a rather grubby sort of way. Now that was very distressing for me because she was someone who was absolutely immaculate in her personal hygiene and in her dressing and so on. But weve solved that problem reasonably well. She now accepts that I take the lead in suggesting when she has a shower. Weve actually installed a walk-in shower in the bathroom. That has helped enormously. By and large that’s not a problem between us.

The problem of choosing appropriate clothes for her is still an emotive issue. Sometimes shes quite willing for me to take the lead there but often, indeed this morning she said ‘I’m perfectly capable of dressing myself without your help. So that’s a difficult issue and is a cause of some distress between us. Shopping also it’s now entirely my responsibility. So in a sense the sort of day-to-day domestic role, I’ve gradually taken over that and that doesn’t cause too many problems now.

The big ethical decision is I have had to take over [my partner]’s life and that’s not what he wanted. As I’ve told you before when we got together it was as an equal partnership, both, all of our, both of us had grown up children and families away and we got together as equal partners and he did not want anything else. And now that’s, that’s a problem, it isn’t a problem it is a situation that’s arisen because of his dementia that he would absolutely hate and detest. But it’s inevitable.

You know you could go on about the driving, the money, those are the two, two of the biggest and the loss of, the complete loss of independence. Not being able to go anywhere on his own.

Initially, before the diagnosis, I found it difficult to understand what was happening with my wife. She was never ever a selfish lady, she began to get a little bit selfish, like when we had the food she would want hers first, even before the grandchildren, which was totally not her. I’ve already said that her diet changed tremendously.

Conversation with neighbours, with friends and relatives changed because now I realise that she was losing her vocabulary, losing the understanding of words and therefore finding it difficult to have a conversation. After the diagnosis that became easier to understand and accept, and at least I could then explain to the people what was happening with my wife and the, the behaviour, the behavioural changes that were taking place.

Early things I noticed before the diagnosis were things like when I’d cut the grass it was never short enough, or it wasn’t the fact that she was pleased to see something done, it was always what I hadn’t done, which was not her at all. There were lots of behavioural changes that took place initially.

One of the things again apart from her not becoming aggressive, one of the positive things was that she always took pride in her appearance; she was always immaculately dressed. She wanted to go out when she wanted to go out, I could be working in the garden and asked her if she wanted to go out on that day and within ten minutes shed come down immaculately dressed and wanted to go out. And although I’d asked her ten minutes before if she wanted to go out, shed changed her mind within that time, or she didn’t understand what I was saying when I was asking her if she wanted to go out.

Shes now, she was incontinent at home but shes now totally incontinent. Thats another stage that, that is reached.Now she doent understand the conversation that I have with her, theres only one way that, no theres more than one way that I can communicate with her because we still have a cuddle; we still have a kiss. But numerically her brain is still OK. She, if my cars parked outside shell count the numbers on the number plate. If shes in her room well go round and count the number of photographs that there are and she has no difficulty in, in doing anything, Im not sure about doing anything in numeracy because I havent tried to multiply or divide or anything but certainly counting she does not have a problem. So we communicate there.

Other forms of communication, verbal communication, have virtually gone. She cant, she can say words but theyre not put together to make any sense. So its virtually impossible to verbally communicate. So I, that must be another stage or another happening. And that I am sure is probably only going to, to get worse, because even the few words that she can remember and string together incorrectly will, will probably go.

I have tried reminiscing with her and that doent appear to work. Ive talked about our children, she cant remember the children, she doent recognise them when they go in; she doent know their names. Ive tried to reminisce using old photographs and that doent register. Ive tried to reminisce talking about our past and that doent register. So communication becomes very, very difficult. Which, which is another stage.

The only other thing thats affected, which is currently going on which has happened recently is that I have, taken a lady friend out for dinner, taken her out on several occasions and my daughter cannot accept that, will not accept that. And that has vastly affected the fantastic relationship between my daughter and I.

Ive tried talking to her. She just will not listen. She is not trying to understand in any way, shape or form. Although I can understand, her feelings in that, her mother is still here and Im taking another lady out, what she will not I think accept or at least try to understand is that Im still relatively young. She knows I love her mother and my wife dearly, but she is not accepting that taking another lady out on social occasions or for a meal is, she will not accept thats something that I could do or indeed I should do.

And over the last couple of months our relationship has deteriorated through her doing because Ive tried desperately hard to talk to her and she wont listen to me. That has affected the relationship with my daughter. As far as Im concerned its part of trying to live a normal life.

And I think my daughter is considering that her mum, my wife has, I was going to say only been in the nursing home two and a quarter years, shes been in the nursing home two and a quarter years, and my daughter doent understand that its been, I think the diagnosis was five, six years ago now, that we didnt have a normal – Im not sure if thats the right word – yeah our marriage changed from what it was some ten years ago. So it int just the two and a quarter years my wife has been in the nursing home which I think is what my daughter is seeing. For me its now some nine, ten years that the marriage with my wife changed.

And I now see it as I think we only have one life, I dont know, Ive no evidence otherwise. Im still not official retiring age. My wife could live another twenty years. I doubt very much if, my wife will probably outlive me and I toyed with the idea for some time that marriage is till death so us part. And I think that my wife as she was is no longer.

I think you’ve got to be very, very careful saying that as well. And even me saying ‘a ghost of her former self because the spirit if you like, being a Christian it’s the spirit, but the core if you like right down inside you, the main crux of your being, your spirit right down inside you is still there. So she can still feel as deeply as she ever felt but she might not be able to show that feeling, it might not be obvious, she can’t express it in words, she can’t say how, even going to the loo she forgets the words and shell go ‘Oh, oh. I know immediately what shes saying is ‘My tummy hurts I need to go to the loo.

So those thoughts and feelings are still there and an awful lot more might be still there that we don’t know about, perhaps in years to come well discover what a wealth there is still there but it’s unable to come out because they lose the ability to express it. So I think yes you have to be very. Careful because that vital person, vital person is still there and still needs, still has the, still needs love.

So I think sometimes when we might say that were actually looking at it from our point of view aren’t we. I could say ‘Oh my mother’s only the ghost of what she was because shes, she can’t do this, she can’t do that,’ you know, poor me. And that’s looking at it from outside and I think it’s much more valuable to look at it from inside, to look at it from inside that person. Shes still a vital human being with still the same needs, the same entitlements as she was, that hasn’t altered at all and we should, we should give her the same care, more.

I can remember reading a book ages ago about somebody, some woman, it was in praise of Cheshire Homes and she had some illness which made her curl up and she couldn’t talk, so she couldn’t signal and shed written this book because shed actually been cured, because shed curled up, she couldn’t do anything, she could hear people but she couldn’t react. And then she was put in a Cheshire Home and the matron of the Cheshire Home had a two-year-old son who ran past and the matron saw her eyes flicker, the patient’s eyes flicker. And she said ‘Gosh she can still hear, she can still react we mustn’t give up. So people would talk, talk, talk, talk to her and eventually she, she was cured. And she said there was this panic inside that people would give up on her because they thought she wasn’t worth it, she didn’t understand.

Now we don’t know that same panic might be inside the Alzheimer’s sufferers, we don’t know because they can’t tell us, but I believe it’s still there, they still need us so I don’t think. The vital thing that makes us what we are is still there right to the end with an Alzheimer’s sufferer and the other things are dropping off by the way side and somehow weve got to compensate for them. So the vital human being is there needing love even more.