Women’s experiences of Domestic Violence and Abuse
Coercive Controlling Behaviour
Coercive control is a wide reaching form of abuse and, as control is at the heart of all domestic abuse, it overlaps with many other categories, especially sexual abuse and financial abuse. In early research with survivors they talked about how difficult it was to describe the ways they felt abuse affected them. Evan Stark’s 2007 book* outlined the ways in which men can ‘entrap’ women using controlling and threatening behaviour. Controlling behaviour often creeps unnoticed into a relationship, as initially it can appear to be caring and romantic but gradually changes into patterns of increasing control and an unhealthy loss of the woman’s freedom. Control is established using threats to harm the woman if she does not comply, or making the atmosphere at home unbearable.
Coercive Control became a criminal offence in the UK in 2015, which enables the police and courts to look for patterns of controlling and coercive behaviours rather than specific incidents of abuse or violence. The examples below include a wide range of ways that coercive control operates in relationships.
Techniques of coercive control
Women described being controlled by verbal abuse, threats of physical and sexual violence or harm to them or their children if they did not comply with their partner’s wishes. Their experience of outbursts or verbal, physical, sexual or other forms of violence meant they took these threats seriously. Women talked about partners constantly monitored their behaviour, checking on their activities and accusing them of having affairs if they ever went out of the house unaccompanied. Men checked their partner’s mobile phones, emails and Facebook contacts, sent constant angry threatening texts, or turned up at their workplace, in order to humiliate them.
Some partners used mind games, humiliation and ‘gaslighting’, a technique of psychological manipulation that makes the person doubt their own sanity. As a result, women were manipulated into believing they could not manage life on their own and became increasingly dependent on their abusive partner. Yasmin said her husband ‘controlled everything’ and said she would end up ‘begging on the streets’ if she left him.
When she finally got away from her husband, Yasmin discovered that she officially ‘did not exist’ as everything, including child benefit, was in his name.
When she finally got away from her husband, Yasmin discovered that she officially ‘did not exist’ as everything, including child benefit, was in his name.
Age at interview: 32
Right.
More about the England law, and more about the … until I left my partner I never knew I can get a child benefit or I am register with my children as a Mother, yes or no. So when I called the first time [unclear] people, they … the first thing they said is ‘You don’t exist in our papers.’
Yes. Mm. You don’t exist. Wow.
And he make sure he give me that reminder, ‘Oh if you leave me you will end up begging on the streets. And when you’re on the street you have to sell your body for either…’
Right. I guess you thought he was right?
Yes.
You did, yeah. Yeah.
I thought then I might have to sell my body too many peoples…
Yes.
… now it’s only one.
Yes, yes. Yes.
So he controlled me … my mind … my body, my finance …
Yes.
… my social life, everything. My emotions, everything.
Coercive control developed gradually
The majority of women said that at the beginning, they loved their partner. Many referred to him as their ‘Prince Charming’. Initially their partner’s behaviour could be seen as loving, for example wanting to spend all their time together, but gradually their partner became more controlling. Women said they found it difficult to put their finger on exactly what was wrong, as the individual actions themselves could be part of any ‘normal’ relationship, or even trivial. For example, Jessica was criticised for ‘not cutting the cheese straight’. Sara’s partner kept telling her a dishwasher would not fit in the kitchen even though she presented the measurements that showed it would. Over time, however, these comments formed a pattern of increasing control. Women described their behaviour, activities and access to friends and family being increasingly controlled so that their life revolved more and more around their partner.
Women described how their partner would ‘punish’ them and threaten more serious harm to her or the children if they did not do as they wanted. Charlotte and Nessa both described how their partners became more and more controlling, cutting off their access to friends by withholding money for phone credit. Charlotte felt herself ‘slowly shutting down… disappearing’.
Charlotte described the ‘insidious drip, drip dripping’ of her partner’s control, which he was careful to balance with enough ‘niceness’ to keep everyone thinking he was alright (read by a professional).
Charlotte described the ‘insidious drip, drip dripping’ of her partner’s control, which he was careful to balance with enough ‘niceness’ to keep everyone thinking he was alright (read by a professional).
Age at interview: 38
He was looking through our phones. He made me go through my Facebook account and he wanted to count how many pictures of him were on my Facebook page. And then we had to sit down and compare that with all of my friends, how many pictures of my friends’ husbands were on their Facebook pages compared with how many were on mine. Yeah, taking the girls’ phones. He smashed my eldest daughter’s. I can’t even remember what he said that she had done wrong. She hadn’t texted him, or something, to say when she was coming back. Something like that. I can’t remember. And he grabbed her by the neck, he had her by the kind of scruff of the neck in one hand and he had her phone in the other hand and he forced her head down while she had to watch him smash her phone against the banisters. And then he told her to go and get her laptop because he was going to break that too. and then when she brought that back up - and I was just standing by watching this awful thing happening, knowing if I tried to step in and do anything it would make it worse, so I just had to stand by and watch it – then she had to thank him for not smashing her laptop. And he said that he had, he had chosen not to do that, so she had to thank him for that. And there were just lots and lots of incidents like that. He just was going crazy.
Was it a daily kind of occurrence or?
No, no not daily. Always enough niceness to keep everyone thinking that he was alright and he was OK. So it was always a very careful balancing act between nice things and fun things and spontaneous things,
Right.
With the outbursts and the that kind of subtle insidious drip, drip, dripping of not being good enough
When Nessa decided to stand up for herself, her partner retaliated by refusing to take care of the home and the children.
When Nessa decided to stand up for herself, her partner retaliated by refusing to take care of the home and the children.
Age at interview: 22
Yeah. Did you ever broach that with him and ask him to do more?
Yeah, yeah. I used to think yeah, because he used to say to me, “Oh the kids have been playing up, they’ve been moody and they’ve been arguing,” and I looked at him and I said to me, “Well, what have you done today? Have you took them into the garden? Have you sat down and played with them? Have you done them any dinner?” And he’d be like, “Oh no, they’ve been playing.” I’d be like, “Right, right, so while they’re playing, you’ve been sat on your computer.” And he’s like, “That’s not good enough for your children as well.”
Yeah.
But he wouldn’t never really understand anything, and then it got to the point where all the accusation came with my dad, because obviously, when we found out his chemotherapy and radiotherapy didn’t work, we knew we had to spend more time with him, as much time as we could.
Yeah.
And that’s when he’s accusing me and starting coming out with like, “You’re sleeping with your dad’s friends, you’re doing this, you’re really going to the pub with your dad.”
Charlotte described never really able to ‘breathe out …You’re just walking on eggshells the whole time … at any point you could do something that was unacceptable but you didn’t know what that might be … the day before it might have been fine but today it’s not fine’.
Melanie described her experience of psychological abuse and controlling behaviour which led to her having a breakdown.
Melanie described her experience of psychological abuse and controlling behaviour which led to her having a breakdown.
Age at interview: 42
Well this relationship [clears throat] I didn’t even realise it was abusive because I didn’t understand that this form of abuse is possible.
Right.
And it wasn’t physical abuse, it was more psychological abuse. And obviously now I look back, it was a lot of raping as well.
But in this relationship it was more like moving things, breaking things, always with me, very controlling with their wording.
Silently controlling. Yeah, it’s just more or less all of that really. And I didn’t even think I was in an abusive situation for a long time. I knew something was wrong because I felt on edge and I felt scared a lot of the time.
Hmm. Felt scared?
But I didn’t know, yeah, I didn’t realise that this was a form of abuse. That he had control of my finances and things like that.
How long were you together?
Since 2005 until 2012.
Right.
Yeah.
And when did it dawn on you, when did you realise this is abuse?
When his father died, I think in 2000… and I think it was 2011 or the beginning of 2012, and I knew that I was scared all the time. I knew I was walking on eggshells. I knew that when he was downstairs he would, I was scared to come downstairs. I knew that at that point I kind of woke up to catch him doing things to me. And felt like I couldn’t question him because if I questioned him he would always shout me down.
Right.
And made me feel like a child. So, yeah, I think that’s when I realised when something was wrong, definitely wrong.
It had been going on for quite a number of years from …
Oh, it been going on for a number of years. I think toward when his dad died, I think that’s where I was just so tired, so beaten down, so worn out that I, something in me clicked and something made me start thinking about what was going on, what is actually happening here.
And I thought that was it and I couldn’t take it anymore because I was having a breakdown at the stage. I was…
Oh.
... having a breakdown and he would understand other people’s point of views but never mine. If I had a, if I had a feeling about anything it was almost like, ‘you’re being silly’. I wasn’t allowed to have any emotion, no feeling, no nothing, but everybody else around me could.
Could you give me an example of the sort of rules that he used to set for you?
There was never a specific rule. It was changing all the time. If I cooked something that he loved today, next week he didn’t like it.
If I bought something in the shopping because we would go shopping, it wasn’t just me that’d go shopping, he would come with me. I’d buy it this week and then next week he wouldn’t like it. Or if he was going to the supermarket for example to buy maybe crisps for the kids and he knew the crisps that the kids liked because he’s in the house all the time, he would see the crisps. He would buy the total opposite. So the kids wouldn’t want to eat them then. He would buy things that would sit in the cupboards for ages what I’d never seen him eat before. So it was confusing. I was constantly confused because I didn’t know, I thought I knew this person but then they were changing before me constantly. So there was no rule. I think his rule was whatever he felt like on the day that would be his rule.
And what would happen if you tried to go against a rule?
His was more sulking, slamming things, not speaking to me for days on end. But then would get in bed and cuddle me, would get in bed and hold my wrist. It almost felt like he was keeping me captive because he would squeeze my wrists and hold me like that while I slept. If I got up out of the bed he would jump up out of the bed. So it was constantly, I didn’t know whether I was going or coming because like he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. If I’d constantly say to him, “What’s the matter, what, have I done something, what the matter?” “Oh nothing”. “But you haven’t spoke to me for days”.
Kate described a ‘daily barrage of negativity’ where she and her children lived ‘on edge’ wondering what would happen next.
Kate described a ‘daily barrage of negativity’ where she and her children lived ‘on edge’ wondering what would happen next.
Age at interview: 44
Women described how their partners controlled them by not letting them have any money, cutting them off from family and friends, controlling what they wore or how they cooked, checking their mobile phones, having jealous rages if they wanted to see their friends and monitoring their movements. Many partners also controlled the sexual side of the relationship, insisting on sex whenever they wanted it, regardless of the woman’s feelings. Control was often covered up to make it look caring, as with Tasha’s partner (for more see ‘Sexual Violence and Abuse’ and ‘Financial Abuse’).
Tasha’s partner manipulated her to make it appear that he was being helpful, as he took increasing control of Tasha’s life and behaviour.
Tasha’s partner manipulated her to make it appear that he was being helpful, as he took increasing control of Tasha’s life and behaviour.
Age at interview: 40
Yeah.
… I was basically, we were in our own little bubble and I thought that was how it should be.
And the, the emotional abuse that occurred throughout the relationship, are you able to give me any specific examples of things that he would do or say?
He would, he would make it feel as though everything was for me He would sort of manipulate me into making me feel as though he was, he was doing the right thing. I [sighs] it’s hard to explain I had no self-confidence at all I got my disability and I was actually made to be worse because he said, he would tell me that I couldn’t do it so he would take charge of things and stuff. He used to, you know, take the children to school in the mornings and tell me to stay in bed because I couldn’t get up In, yeah, I mean, at the time I didn’t, didn’t see it, I thought he was helping me. But he wasn’t, he was actually, you know, I, he’d made out that I couldn’t live without him.
Yeah.
Or had children, with children nobody would want me with children and you know, and a disability. So, yeah, I had to sort of rely on him.
Ana felt her husband wanted a ‘trophy wife’ whose appearance, behaviour and friendships he could control (played by an actor).
Ana felt her husband wanted a ‘trophy wife’ whose appearance, behaviour and friendships he could control (played by an actor).
Age at interview: 32
No, no. I could with like, collect the children. Not as in, you’re not allowed, but he’d be, if I did go out, I would pay for it. Or if I did go out to the park, “Where are you?” If, “I need, I need a letter, I need you to look something up on …”
Oh, on the phone? Yeah.
Yeah, he would be on the phone.
Yeah.
Or if, I never had friends around because he would come in, start slamming doors, start shouting on the phone. He would just make it really uncomfortable for me to have friends so I didn’t have friends.
Right.
Couple of times where I did go out couple of times, like I meant two, three times. One time I went to a salsa class. It was a Thursday, with, with one of the mums from school.
Yes.
And I’ve been told, he had, he had a dream that I’d cheated on him with the salsa teacher, and so for the rest of that week, he, it was just, it was just I was in the wrong and I was being punished for it. I was being shouted at and called names and just him being horrible.
Yes.
And then other times, he just made me feel like absolute shit of why am I wearing that, and he wasn’t, well you’d think he’d be, “Oh, you can’t wear this, it’s too short.” He’d be the opposite. He wanted me to dress that way because I think he [sniffs], it was all about appearance to him.
Right.
So I don’t know, I guess he wanted me to be like a trophy wife, a good little wife that looks like a …
Glamorous.
Yeah, glamorous. And then doesn’t say, doesn’t argue with him and doesn’t argue back and …
Right.
… keeps her mouth shut, but that wasn’t me. …
So he made you wear certain clothes.
Yeah. Well he, he made me feel shit, he’d say, “Oh, why do you need to wear that? That looks, that looks old.” And I’d say, “But I feel comfortable. This is my style, this is how I wear …”
Yes.
“… this is what I wear.” And he just made me feel just crap, so obviously, it would spoil my night …
Yes.
… because I was worried that he’s angry and he’s going to be angry tomorrow and the next day …
Yes.
… and the next day.
Yes.
So I wouldn’t be having fun, so I just, I just didn’t go out.
When she took her car into the garage, Tina discovered it had trackers and cameras.
When she took her car into the garage, Tina discovered it had trackers and cameras.
Age at interview: 50
And when he was still living with you and he used to make you do gambling online?
Yeah, online...
But he would just sort of stand over you and tell you what to do?
No, no, no. He’d put money on there.
Right.
And he’d go off…
Right.
…for hours on end. So say working, he’d go and see his girlfriend, whatever who he was going out with.
Right.
And he was running the business. He told me it was going downhill. Yet, all the same it was boosting back up. He had cameras in my car. He had trackers in my car.
He had cameras in your car?
Cameras in my car. Yeah. So that he could watch me when I was out, who I had in the car, who I didn’t have in the car. Trackers. He could track me wherever I was in the car.
Did you find out about these things at the time or later?
I didn’t know until one day I was messing around in the car and it sort of like to know when you got like the navigation thing built in. It sort of like clicked and I thought, that shouldn’t have clicked.
And then I thought, no, that ain’t right, so I took it into Volkswagen. And he said, “I ain’t meant to tell you this,” he said, “but there’s cameras in the car, he’s watching you”, he said, “and trackers”.
Women described how their lives were so controlled that their home became ‘a prison’, and their role was to ‘service’ their partner’s needs. Victoria described how:
‘In the summer I was heavily pregnant and he wouldn’t let me open the windows in the house. And I remember banging on the front door. I felt like I was in a prison, just, “I’ve just got to get out of here.” and I think somewhere he kind of liked that. He must have liked that power’.
Many women ended up with little freedom of movement, living in a ‘bubble’ with their partner, isolated from the outside world. Outings to the shops or the bank were timed to the precise minute, their partner ‘going ballistic’ when they got back. Even if they were ‘on time’, women were accused of having an affair. Jane’s partner controlled the finances of their ‘joint’ business, and also controlled Jane’s time:
‘You know, like going to the bank, if I was longer than 30 minutes, you know, because that would be the time that was taken to get up there, get parked, wait in the queue and come back, if I was longer than 30 minutes I had an affair with the bank manager, you know, stupid, something stupid like that.’
Women described becoming increasingly isolated from family and friends. Yasmin and Ana’s husbands both moved them away from areas near their families. Chloe and Charlotte's partners manipulated their feeling towards their family and friends so they no longer saw them.
Charlotte said she ‘nearly lost’ her mum and only realised after she left her partner that he had manipulated her feelings against her (read by a professional).
Charlotte said she ‘nearly lost’ her mum and only realised after she left her partner that he had manipulated her feelings against her (read by a professional).
Age at interview: 38
What did he do?
Oh he was telling me all sorts of things about her, how, how much she mollycoddled me, how controlling she was of me, how manipulative she was of me, how it was her fault that we couldn’t go and live anywhere else. And why couldn’t I see that she was just trying to control my life and she would never really let me grow up and never really let me be free? And you know, and my mum’s, she’s a very Mumsie mum – don’t mean that, that sounds awful. She’s a very loving, quite protective mum. She does do the whole, “Oh come to me, sweetheart, you know, it’s been really rough.” Which can be irritating. But equally, she’s my mum.
Yeah.
You know, she loves me. She’s – she wasn’t being all of those things, but he managed to twist it in such a way that I believed him. You know, “My God, he’s right. You know, I’m a mother now, I’m the grown-up. I shouldn’t be going to her for advice. I shouldn’t be talking to her about things.” I wasn’t allowed to talk to anybody about anything. I only should only need him; he was enough. And I shouldn’t need to talk to my mum. And we did, you know, she thought she had lost me. She thought that we were this cosy little clan of two and she wasn’t allowed in.
And did that continue for years or?
That was probably yeah, probably about four or five years.
Yeah.
I can’t even remember, we had a long conversation, I have a vague memory of walking round a big lake in [Country] with her, having it all out and telling her that I was cross. And there were things I was cross with her for. But actually, when we talked about it, I think I realised, “Actually I’m not as cross as I thought I was. Actually you haven’t really done anything wrong and I’m not quite sure why I’m this cross.”
Chloe’s partner timed her if she left the house and his behaviour put her therapy clients off so that her business folded (played by an actor).
Chloe’s partner timed her if she left the house and his behaviour put her therapy clients off so that her business folded (played by an actor).
Age at interview: 32
And what would happen if you were longer?
It would just be, well, he would grill me anyway when I got in, whether I was longer or not. If it was longer then it would just be that more thorough grilling and, you know, like real intimidation.
Were you able to keep your therapy work going in this new house?
I was supporting all of us in the new house. And no, he hated me seeing other people, giving other people attention. Looking after anyone other than him, including myself, was not allowed. So my clients would arrive, he would be sitting behind a curtain behind a door basically, and vet everyone who came in, and stare them down basically as, you know, as they’d walk in through the living room and I’m taking them to the therapy room. The atmosphere, people just dropped like flies.
Sophie’s partner made sure she was ‘chaperoned’ by him or the children at all times, and he listened to all her phone calls.
Sophie’s partner made sure she was ‘chaperoned’ by him or the children at all times, and he listened to all her phone calls.
Age at interview: 49
So I was constantly being monitored all the time, what I did, where I went. I didn’t go anywhere. I wasn’t allowed anywhere, apart from just to playgroup.
Yeah.
I even had the shopping delivered. So you can’t have – it’s like you’re completely shut down and you’re just focused on them all the time. And the impact is just horrendous.
I mean were there times when you were like, “Oh, I just want to pop to so and so by myself,” and how would he react, would he say no, would he?
He’d make sure it didn’t happen.
So he’d actually
Or he’d make sure that I had children with him or I was chaperoned some way. I was never anywhere on my own. If was having – if I had a – you know, if I was on the phone to anybody, he’d come and stand in the room.
And how did that feel for him to be – you know, you said you’d try to make a phone call and?
Oh it was horrible.
Yeah.
It was horrible. It was like being in prison.
Another form of control was through food and drink. Many women ended up on a very poor diet.
Victoria’s confidence ebbed away as her partner kept a close eye on her food and weight and belittled her attempts to complete a college course (read by a professional).
Victoria’s confidence ebbed away as her partner kept a close eye on her food and weight and belittled her attempts to complete a college course (read by a professional).
Age at interview: 42
How would he control that? What would he do?
I mean he would cook big meals. And like I did but he wouldn’t like me eating chocolate so I would hide a stash of chocolate, because I, you know, I was pregnant. And he would, he would and we, and we would go on lots of lovely country walks. But I felt at one stage after I’d had [Son] it was kind of like he cannot stand obesity. It just repulses him, because he has a sister who can just sort of about barely walk, that she’s, she’s that big.
Hmm.
So I felt like in the end I was although it kind of saved my sanity going out on country walks, in a way, but I felt like also he was keeping an eye on my weight.
Did he make comments or did he?
Yeah, and I think when he did make little, little digs sometimes, but I mean most of the time it was just very, very subtle, just little digs, and especially about my intelligence. So I was trying to do this qualification in sustainability. And I remember sitting at, at the desk in the kitchen and he was just like, “Who are you kidding?” kind of thing, “You think you’re going to do that?” Like and I just, I loved this course. It was just – it just got me thinking down different paths that I’d never thought of and it was a really inspiring course. And I just, I just couldn’t focus, just could not focus. And, yeah, my confidence just started dipping and dipping and dipping. And then I got to a stage where I just felt absolutely awful about myself.
Chloe’s partner wouldn’t allow her in the kitchen and fed her foods that he knew she was allergic to, so she became weak and unwell (played by an actor).
Chloe’s partner wouldn’t allow her in the kitchen and fed her foods that he knew she was allergic to, so she became weak and unwell (played by an actor).
Age at interview: 32
I was like, “Oh how sweet, a man who cooks for me, hmm.” And then it became, I would try and make something and he’d say, “My woman doesn’t go in the kitchen.” I thought, “That’s a bit strong. But if you still want to cook, that’s fine [laughs].” But that came to the point where he because I used to eat very well, because I knew from my own body what I was allergic to and what I wasn’t, and what I functioned well on. He noticed that early on, did this whole, “My woman doesn’t cook,” and then he said, “I notice you have allergies,” and then there was a whole presentation of how [laughs] if you cut everything out that you’re allergic to your allergy gets worse, which is true. You can become intolerant entirely of things. So he said, “Let’s introduce them, you know, so you don’t become entirely intolerant.” And I thought, “Yeah, that’s good grounds, you know. You know, maybe my way was a bit too extreme,” so I allowed that.
By the time we got into the other house it was, “My woman doesn’t cook,” and everything I was fed was everything I was allergic to. So my physical health deteriorated, like I couldn’t think straight because my body was full of stuff that it can’t handle.
What sorts of things was he feeding you?
So wheat-y things, gluten things, starchy things, processed things, grains basically, they’re all things that my body didn’t respond well to, caused like breathing problems and things like that. He was so clever in what he did. So everything, all your supports, he went after each one, one by one until, and he did it so cleverly, until I was collapsing. I couldn’t see what he’d done. But when I did it was, “I’ve got to get out of here.”
Philippa lived on an unhealthy diet of sweets, wine, cigarettes and coffee to avoid being abused in the kitchen.
Philippa lived on an unhealthy diet of sweets, wine, cigarettes and coffee to avoid being abused in the kitchen.
Age at interview: 54
Yeah.
But there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
Melanie finally kicked the alcohol habit after leaving her partner, and described how ill she had become when with her partner.
Melanie finally kicked the alcohol habit after leaving her partner, and described how ill she had become when with her partner.
Age at interview: 42
So I can do the mum role. Sometimes not being able to shower, to eat, to sleep. Feeling numb. Knots in my stomach. Being hypervigilant. Listening to doors going. I’m hearing it and I’m already thinking, “Is there somebody coming in?” There’s just so many things. I had agoraphobia, wasn’t able to leave the house at some stages. I was taking medication, as in medication, I was taking co-codamol tablets but I was given those by my ex- at that point, he was supplying me with them and keeping me numb as well as the drink. I smoked weed as well. But that was him as well. The, you know, these are the things that kind of kept me in my place, kept me quite reserved. Repressed. I financially didn’t know how to pay my bills, so I’m learning how to do that.
I didn’t know what pain was. I’m still understanding what pain is.
Women described being frequently ‘put down’ and humiliated by their partners for their appearance, leaving them feeling unattractive and bad about themselves. They were called ‘fat’ or ‘ugly’, which made them more dependent on their partners and more likely to blame themselves when the relationship got difficult. This led them to feel they must stay with their partner as no-one else would want them. In order to please their partner some women tried to dress in a way that he preferred and they lost the ability to make their own choices. Lolita and Anna’s partners both belittled them constantly, ‘breaking them down’ to make them more compliant.
Lolita began to feel unhappy about her appearance, which led to comfort eating and weight gain. She became depressed, living her life ‘on autopilot’.
Lolita began to feel unhappy about her appearance, which led to comfort eating and weight gain. She became depressed, living her life ‘on autopilot’.
Age at interview: 20
Did you begin to believe those things about yourself?
I could never believe that, because if I was nice enough to find him I could be nice enough to find somebody else. So I never believed that. I just kind of lost the love for myself because I was giving someone all of me and I wasn’t getting anything in return. So I kind of felt like I had nothing left to give myself. So I wasn’t really happy with my appearance anymore. I put on weight because I was eating a lot to try and comfort myself. And I just felt like I’d lost the spark in me, because I couldn’t have a spark, every time I was happy I was put down. So it’s like I just felt like it wasn’t worth being happy anymore because it was never going to last. So I decided to just not do anything, and to just live life on autopilot.
Anna described the impact of having her appearance criticised. She tried to dress to please her partner to avoid him ‘losing his rag’.
Anna described the impact of having her appearance criticised. She tried to dress to please her partner to avoid him ‘losing his rag’.
Age at interview: 47
So emotional abuse
Emotional abuse. Yeah. In hindsight. Gone on for years. Years. While we lived together he would control me on what I wore [clears throat] so we were going to skittles, I’d have to dress, I couldn’t go in what I was happy wearing, which are jeans.
Yeah.
I’d have to dress, and if I didn’t put on a dress or a skirt, then he’d sulk and he wouldn’t go. And when he sulked you got, no one was happy when he sulked.
How long would he sulk for do you think?
The sulking could go on for days. But it would lead to him losing the rag. You knew he was going to, it was just boiling, you knew it was.
Yeah.
So, the more he’d get in a sulk, the more attentive you had to be to his needs, like he was a child.
Sex was used as a form of control. Women were told that sex was their ‘duty’ and were forced to comply whenever their partner wanted, often against their will (see ‘Sexual violence and abuse’). Controlling behaviour using sex became the norm for some of these women. Several described how they were regularly forced to have sex before being allowed money to feed their children or pay for clothes.
Yasmin had to adopt a pattern of paying for anything she needed with sex or, as she put it, ‘sleeping with’ her husband.
Yasmin had to adopt a pattern of paying for anything she needed with sex or, as she put it, ‘sleeping with’ her husband.
Age at interview: 32
Nothing at all?
Nothing.
So he … controlled everything?
Yes. So my son was breastfeeding so he didn’t have to like do lots of … the, on nappies, on milk, or on every other thing I was relying on him, like calling him if you can …
If you can get these things?
These things.
Yeah. Yeah.
And he will get it. But if I say again and again, like if I have like three nappies left …
Uh-huh.
… and I just keep giving him reminder he will get quite annoyed.
Right.
And then if he is annoyed he is not going to buy anything.
So what would happen?
So I was like … more in that pressure. I want that nappies, I want that milk.
Yes.
And, okay, he … he might buy me the take away, but what I will do … like a few baby foods you have to make with the milk.
Yes of course.
This and that.
Yes of course.
But if … then there was a situation I didn’t have any option, not even nappies or milk. Because he will come home when we are sleeping, early morning, and he will not leave home by four o’clock without talking. Anything. But in order to get things, ask him to do … I have to sleep with him.
Right. Yeah. Okay. Mm.
So that’s the thing I adopted, if I need something I have to sleep with him.
Yeah, yeah.
If I want to see my son to have toys, have food, have clothes …
You had to pay for it with sex?
Yeah.
Yes. So that was what your life was like at that time?
Yes.
In addition to disagreements about sex, some women talked about partners also controlling their fertility by hiding contraceptive pills or forcing a woman to remove her implant.
Verbal abuse
Verbal abuse was a common response to a woman trying to question her partner or going out of the house on her own. Women described how they would often be blamed for the outburst. Much of the verbal abuse consisted of accusing women of sleeping with other men, but it also included insults about a woman’s ethnic origin, her appearance, or her family members. Sara remembered feeling horrified when her new husband said to her, before she left the house ‘remember you’re married’, implying she was not to be trusted. Nessa said her partner would make insulting comments about the children and ‘put her down’ about her looks and her ethnicity. Ella’s and Liz’s partners would call them insulting names if they went out alone or challenged their partners' decisions.
Despite returning home at the time her partner had asked, Ella was accused of being a ‘slut’ who was ‘shagging other men’ (played by an actor).
Despite returning home at the time her partner had asked, Ella was accused of being a ‘slut’ who was ‘shagging other men’ (played by an actor).
Age at interview: 27
Really?
And I can remember saying to the girls who I’d become close to, “If anything ever happened to me it would be because of him.”
Gosh.
Yeah.
So you started college while you were with this man?
Yeah, I started college. Because, when I met him, I was in my last year of school, so then I started college and I was with him… yeah, so I started college.
Yeah.
I don’t know if I’m allowed to say what I was [laughs] doing.
No that’s fine, yeah, that’s fine.
Alright hairdressing and beauty. It was a two year course. So, yeah, I enjoyed that. But I also had, “Oh, who have you been looking at? You’d better not be going with any boys,” things like that. So…
Yeah. When you say you had to be in by a certain time in the evening, what would have happened if you hadn’t got back by the time he said, what do you think would have happened?
Angry, “Slag, slut, where have you been, shagging other men, you’re filthy,” things like that. So I thought by being back at that time I was proving I’m good, I haven’t, I haven’t done anything. “You’ve asked me to be in at this time and I have.” Even though sometimes I’d get back and he would be the one that was out.
Right.
I’d still been home.
So what effect did all this have on you and how you felt about yourself?
He controlled my life. I didn’t know who I was. I got lost in him.
Liz was terrified of her partner’s anger when he called her a ‘fucking witch’ and she feared that he might kill her.
Liz was terrified of her partner’s anger when he called her a ‘fucking witch’ and she feared that he might kill her.
Age at interview: 46
Had your move not happened yet at this point?
Well, we moved last August. Four days before this happened, I wrote to him because I was really frightened, and I wrote to him and said, “I’m really frightened. All the time you’re speaking to me with gritted teeth. I’m really frightened you’re going to hit me.” And then that weekend it was the – I think what really shocked me more was when he was shouting at me with such anger. And it’s hard to explain to anybody who has never had that anger. Because I’d been shouted at a lot in my life, you know, but I’d never felt like that before.
How did you feel?
I felt as though he was going to kill me.
Right yeah.
But my daughter was there.
She had arrived?
My youngest.
The other one, yeah.
And I’d sent her into another room. But he was – but it was his face, it was, it was just like evil. You know kind of just the eyes, just the hate for me that I saw in his face, I just thought, “But I haven’t done anything.” I’d said to him, “My daughter is frightened of you. She’s not going to move up here unless you build on your relationship.”
Verbal abuse on the eve of her wedding became a feature of Ana’s marriage if she had social contact with anyone apart from her husband (played by an actor).
Verbal abuse on the eve of her wedding became a feature of Ana’s marriage if she had social contact with anyone apart from her husband (played by an actor).
Age at interview: 32
Yeah, yes.
And they walked past us and I said, “Oh my God, you’re here.”
Yes.
And he just ignored me, and I thought, I kind of thought mm, like my husband to be?
Yes.
Like my darling husband just ignored me? And then I went home, I went to my mum’s, I tried ringing him, ringing him, ringing him, and he didn’t pick up, and then … and that was the night before our wedding, and [pause] finally in the morning, [pause] oh no my mum’s friend took me to the hotel they were staying to knock on the door, and he opened the door and he just went, “What?” and I said, “Well what, what do you mean what? I didn’t know where you are. Like we’re getting married today.” And, “Not getting married. The wedding’s off, you fucking slag, you fucking whore. Go and, go and fuck the guy that you were talking …” I said, “What guy?” Those, those, those guys that you were …” and he just started going … I don’t know what exactly was said, but as a gist, I would be …
Well yeah sure.
… called fucking slag and fucking whore.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And things like that, and then he just wanted to, he said, “I’ve rang the airline, I’m cancelling the wedding. Now it’s not happening. Just, you can fuck yourself.” That’s what I would be told. I said, “Okay.” I just went, “Okay, cool.” So I went back to my mum’s, and I just sat there and cried and my mum said, I know why she said it, because I think she was stuck of things to say or to help me …
Yes
So she said she was stuck, she didn’t know how to help me …
Yes.
… so she said, “You, well what you, what are you going to do? You’ve got a baby together. You, you [pause], you’re going to have to go through with it.”
Depressed, anxious and scared, Alonya felt it was safer to keep the peace with her husband until she could work out a plan to leave, but friends witnessed his abusive behaviour.
Depressed, anxious and scared, Alonya felt it was safer to keep the peace with her husband until she could work out a plan to leave, but friends witnessed his abusive behaviour.
Age at interview: 31
To burn you?
… to burn me.
Yes, yes.
And I remember she was saying, “Oh my God, what, what, what is he doing?” And we walked and he would keep shouting very loudly and he was not just shouting, it was like letting everyone know that I’m a horrible person I’m the most horrible person in this world. I’m hurting him, and you, it’s just it’s just always, always happen, I mean like he’s just like, it was very embarrassing.
And how did that make you feel in yourself, when you heard him telling these things?
I just wanted to die.
Right.
I just, I couldn’t believe it’s happening again to me. It was different, but it, it’s just, I was trying my best to be a good person because I want to be a good person. And I had lots of questions to him because I started to see lots of things, he was just lying and I don’t know, it’s, it was so confusing….
Yeah.
So much, sometimes he just starts from nothing and sometimes he wouldn’t talk all of a sudden and slam the doors, and then it just starts. He would just need to get all that very, very strong energy on me into my face and it’s just, he wanted to tell me everything about me; who I am, what I am, how bad I am. And it’s just continuously would be rolling and rolling and rolling around, that I’m the horrible, that I’m the bad person.
Started with his friends, my friends, he a, he started to tell them that I was a bad person.
And how did your friends react? I mean were you able to really talk to them about what was happening in the relationship….
[sigh]
…or not really?
A few of my friends were saying that there’s something wrong with him.
“He’s not right. There’s something mental about him”. And I wanted to leave, but there was another subject already. I didn’t want to lose this country and I didn’t want to go back to [Eastern Europe].
Abusive partners used threats as a means of exercising control, making women respond to their demands out of fear of an escalation of abuse. These threats carried a very real fear and danger for the women, since they were based on abuse and harm to which they had already been subjected. (See ‘Physical violence and impact on women’s health’.)
Lolita’s partner played into her fears around security by destroying her front door to show it was no protection from him.
Lolita’s partner played into her fears around security by destroying her front door to show it was no protection from him.
Age at interview: 20
I would say the worst thing he did was, I struggle with security and I always have struggled with security, and in my home I’ve never felt secure, and he knows that I was literally, I was terrified of living on my own, and he knew that, and after an argument he’d left my house. And the argument was because I wouldn’t lend him money, and I don’t believe that I should have lent him money for what he wanted the money for. He left the house, so I locked the door behind him. And he turned around and said, “Do you think that door is going to protect you from me?” and just kicked it completely off. So I was left feeling exposed and I just felt like everything, like all my fears had come true. You know what I mean. I, I’m not safe anymore. And I was just so upset because he knew how much I struggled with feeling safe and he just left me vulnerable and didn’t even care. And like that hurt me more than anything he could have done to me, because I, if I couldn’t have had the door fixed that night, I don’t know what I would have done.
Is there anywhere you could have gone?
Possibly to my parents’ house, but it’s not really a place that I feel safe either.
Towards the end of their relationship, Linda’s partner responded with increasing acts of violence toward her property and belongings.
Towards the end of their relationship, Linda’s partner responded with increasing acts of violence toward her property and belongings.
Age at interview: 59
Were you able to go?
I did, I went.
You did?
Yeah.
It’s extraordinary how you managed to hold together, this really powerful, you know demanding job, that is an extraordinary accomplishment.
I went for 2 days and then I phoned one of his friends up and said you need to go and make sure he’s not there because I’m too scared to go in and another friend went and checked my daughter was alright, and he’d cut all my clothes up, all my clothes were cut up all over, all over the room and his friend, a male friend and he just went I can’t’ believe he’s done all this.
And was that during that time that you were away, or was that, yeah that weekend you were away.
Yeah and we had a basement in the house and that’s where I did all my lectures and everything, and everything, all my files had been shredded and.
Really?
Yeah everything. And I was teaching again, on the Monday.
So how did you manage?
I just re-did it.
Extraordinary resilience that you’ve obviously got.
Oh the days, after a weekend I used to go in at 6 o’clock and I had been crying right until 6 o’clock, go in, put on my brave face.
That’s amazing to be able to do that.
Yeah, I don’t know how I did it now.
So after that event.
And then didn’t speak to me.
Had one of those silent periods.
So after that, so I went to my mum’s 80th birthday, still hadn’t told the police and I came back and the house was empty.
Of everything?
Of everything, except things he didn’t want, which he’d, we had two settees, chairs, leather, he’d left the three seater but he’d cut it up, well chopped it up, taken the beds, all the beautiful garden furniture we had, he’d smashed, and we had, one of the bedrooms was for the children so we used to have a rota and one stayed over at night, they used to call it Nanny Night. All their books, their toys he’d smashed up, we had chandeliers, taken them down, I’ve got photos I could show you, he’d stood on them all. In my office, in the basement, I hadn’t been able to get down there for a long time because of the stairs, he’d taken my computer with all my academic work, with the books I’d written, you know they were all on there, the research, he’d taken it all, all my files, my bank details, my savings things, he’d taken everything. And in the toilet, I can’t even tell you what was in there, you can imagine? In the bathroom. In the downstairs toilet, he’d taken the sink away because he was a plumber, he’d taken that away, put it in the, we had a big basement and part of that was his workshop, he’d put the sink, the basin, work benches off, smashed them up the only thing he hadn’t touched was the loft and that’s what I came back to and then I called the police and then I told them everything.
Tanya’s husband threatened to smash up the house if she did not go out at night and buy him a bottle of whisky. Tanya returned home with the whisky to find that her husband had dug her a grave.
Tanya’s husband threatened to smash up the house if she did not go out at night and buy him a bottle of whisky. Tanya returned home with the whisky to find that her husband had dug her a grave.
Age at interview: 45
And then he’s excusing his behaviour with other women, blaming you for it?
Yeah, but I put up with it. Yeah, I put up with it because, I don’t know, because we had a house to live in. And he used to say I’d end up in a, if I left him, when we lived in [Town], before we moved to [Country], if I left him I could, I’d end up at did I want to live on a council estate? Because that’s where I’d end up. And that’s where I’m living now, on a council estate. And it’s pretty, it’s pretty good. We’re safe. There’s no psychopaths trying to kill us now, you know, and it’s fine. I pay my rent and he’s living in our house for nothing, mortgage-free. I need to sell it [laughs]. Hmm yeah acceptance, accept what’s happened to you. Accept what’s happened to you and move on and do as much self-healing that you can. And you’ll get, you can get there, you can get there. Because I was, I was just crying all the time a couple of years ago, crying all the time. And now I’m not. It’s great!
Swearing and telling Tina she would regret having challenged him, he threatened her with a gun.
Swearing and telling Tina she would regret having challenged him, he threatened her with a gun.
Age at interview: 50
Do you want me to say what he said?
You can that’s fine.
All right. Turn the f-ing tele off. And I turned round and said, “No. I want to watch TV”. And he said, “You’ll f-ing regret this”. And he pulled out a gun from underneath the bed and put it on the side there and I sort of like crapped myself…
[Gasps]
…and turned the TV of, rolled over and went to sleep and that’s when he…
With a gun?
…started, yeah he had a gun under the bed. He had two. I found two under there.
Were they loaded?
I don’t know [laughs]. I didn’t hang around to find out. I didn’t know woo woo woo. Yeah, so.
Gosh.
And but the police knows all about that and then I woke up in the morning and he was gone, gone to work and then he just used to ring me, make sure this is done, make sure that’s done as though I was a piece of shit do you know what I mean? And all that lot. There and I used to just take it from him and I used to think ah, well, I’m with him because of the kids and that’s that.
Mind games, gaslighting and exploiting illness
Many women who experienced abuse became physically ill or suffered from depression and anxiety. They described their partners being un-sympathetic or using their vulnerability against them (see ‘Emotional-psychological abuse and impact on self-esteem’, ‘Physical violence and impact on women’s health’). Jessica, who suffers from fibromyalgia, felt that her partner made the most of her vulnerability to exercise further control.
Jessica’s husband was unsympathetic and uncaring towards her when she became unwell, mocking her disability and even causing injuries.
Jessica’s husband was unsympathetic and uncaring towards her when she became unwell, mocking her disability and even causing injuries.
Age at interview: 46
That’s correct, yeah.
Yeah, when, when did that happen?
About 2002, something like that.
Right.
And the impact was that I was unable to work, I’d always had two jobs. And suddenly I couldn’t work. And, so I was not bringing any money in. And also he didn’t help at all. He didn’t understand the illness, and he didn’t want to understand the illness.
And did that make things even more difficult, would you say, in the marriage?
Extremely so, yes. And also he would make fun of me in front of the children. Because I would forget things, or come out with some, something strange and he would, you know, point it out and make fun.
And that’s part of the condition?
Yes. Yeah. And like I’d get lost. On holiday we’d try and always stay in the same accommodation block and we’d be on the beach and he’d sit and he would watch with the kids while I got lost going back to the room. And he would think it was funny and amusing. And he would have the air conditioning on in the room, knowing that I couldn’t sleep with the noise of the air conditioning. And there’s lots of things like that.
When Sara became seriously ill one night her husband, after making himself a cup of tea, reluctantly rang for an ambulance. Her check-up was Sara’s first chance to see a doctor alone (read by a professional).
When Sara became seriously ill one night her husband, after making himself a cup of tea, reluctantly rang for an ambulance. Her check-up was Sara’s first chance to see a doctor alone (read by a professional).
Age at interview: 40
And he went down and made himself a cup of tea, he come up with his cup of tea. Then he rang the doctor and said they're sending an ambulance, they sent the ambulance, and he stayed at home with the kids because they were in bed, and I went to hospital on my own. But yeah when I came out of hospital I had to have check-ups with the doctor and he came with me for a few of them and I was really hoping and praying I could get to one without him being there and I did. And I think when the doctor said, ‘How are you?’ I just broke down in tears.
Really, gosh. So was that the first time you'd really said anything to anybody?
Yeah I think it was actually. Because I think she gave me the number to the domestic abuse people and I spoke to them for two weeks solid, crying and everything, saying but I'm breaking up the family.
Really.
I had this real sense of guilt because I thought oh my goodness and they're like but you're making it better and then that was the thing and I had real peace about going.
Min had a deep-rooted fear, following her sister’s diagnosis of schizophrenia, that she, too might one day become mentally ill. Her partner played on this, as she describes here:
‘It’s when people say things that are quite innocuous, that make you doubt yourself. And it starts off as a small seed, but once you start doubting yourself they’ve got something, they’ve got a foothold to feed off’.
Min spent a night in a mental health ward without her baby and was ‘sectioned’, following a false allegation of child abuse made by her husband (played by an actor).
Min spent a night in a mental health ward without her baby and was ‘sectioned’, following a false allegation of child abuse made by her husband (played by an actor).
Age at interview: 47
Then at about – in the evening, I think five or six – I was panicking, my older child needed picking up from school. They said that that was being taken care of. At the time I didn’t realise what that was. I thought a friend or the father was picking him up. I had no idea what was going on [sniffs]. And then what happened was at about, I think, between 5.00 and 7.00 pm I heard voices outside the interview room, the room I was in. I the door opened, there was a woman there and there was a police officer. The woman looked at me, she looked me up and down and they closed the door and they talked. I didn’t hear what they were saying. And then the door opened again and the police officer said, “We’re going to take your baby to the hospital and to be examined.” And I thought, “I’m going with them.”
Of course, I was breastfeeding, he was seven weeks old. So I stood up. They, they took the baby in the little car seat and I stood up to go with them and the policeman had his hand there and went ‘woomph’ and pushed me in the chair and said, “You’re staying here [sniffs].” And [voice falters] they took my baby [sobs]. And I went crazy. I was hysterical. I was screaming, “Where’s my baby? I need to be with my baby. I need to be with my baby [sniffs]. Why can’t I go with my baby?” I had no idea what was going on because they still hadn’t told me. All they’d told me was, “We’re taking a statement.” Then [blows nose] that woman was there, and the police. So my baby had gone. I was absolutely hysterical.
And then they sectioned me.
Stephanie’s partner blamed their break-up on her need for psychological help, ignoring his own behaviour such as continuing to see his previous girlfriend.
Stephanie’s partner blamed their break-up on her need for psychological help, ignoring his own behaviour such as continuing to see his previous girlfriend.
Age at interview: 39
Which and I’d only reacted badly because he’d done things like ignored me with, with the silent treatment. So after building me up and saying he wanted all these things and then just completely switched off and then said, “No, it’s because you need psychological help and that’s why the relationship’s not worked out and I’m going back to my ex-girlfriend”. Who eventually, who wouldn’t have him back actually, but yeah, so.
So how did that all leave you feeling?
Suicidal. Really.
Chloe’s partner isolated, manipulated and controlled her so she felt she could never leave the house for fear of punishment (played by an actor).
Chloe’s partner isolated, manipulated and controlled her so she felt she could never leave the house for fear of punishment (played by an actor).
Age at interview: 32
Right.
Or maybe a little bit less than nine months. The pace that he worked at was just insane. It felt like years and years of, you know.
But it ended up to give you a sense of the manipulations he did when I addressed saying, you know, “I can’t even leave the house,” he was like, “What are you talking about? The doors are not locked. I haven’t locked you in, have I?” It was like he would turn everything around. So he hadn’t locked me in but he had me in such a mental state that I knew I wasn’t allowed to leave and I knew the punishment that would happen if I stepped over certain lines.
But logically he had everything set up that he could say, “What are you talking about? It’s all in your mind. There’s nothing going on here. The door’s right there. I’m not stopping you. I’m not holding you. I haven’t tied you.”
Women described feeling unworthy, stupid, sometimes desperate to change their partner’s behaviour by changing their own. Some women described their mind being ‘broken’, their thought patterns so altered that they could no longer believe in themselves. They tried hard to please their partner in order to stop the abuse, like Philippa who would cry desperately ‘what have I done wrong?’ and Charlotte who said ‘yes I’m sorry, you’re right, I’ve done something wrong, I’ll try and change and be better’. Kate wanted to ‘mend’ the relationship. She tried to rationalise and reason with her husband but he could never accept that he had done anything wrong. Women described at times standing up to their partner and challenging him but this invariably led to an escalation of abuse.
Khalida’s husband strangled her into submission when she ‘dared’ to ask him where he was all night (read by a professional).
Khalida’s husband strangled her into submission when she ‘dared’ to ask him where he was all night (read by a professional).
Age at interview: 58
And what did you think about that when he?
I was scared to death. I was scared to death that he was going to kill me or something. I was nearly choking when he was trying to strangle me.
Yes, yeah.
Then shortly afterwards I just got, oh slowly he just started looking at me in a stern way all the time. He was being very stern with me all the time and nasty, nasty, nasty, nasty all the time.
Yasmin said she would rather die than continue to sleep with her partner.
Yasmin said she would rather die than continue to sleep with her partner.
Age at interview: 32
Uh-huh.
I waited the whole night. Then my son was sleeping on his same bed, so I didn’t kind of not … he start asking me again… ‘Let’s …’, you know, ‘… make up everything back’, and this and that, ‘I’ll surely change.’ That’s promised to happen so many times but I was not … I said ‘No.’ He ran to kitchen, grabbed two knives… came back, and I was standing. He put, pointed both knives on my neck, and I said … ‘I prefer to die. But I’m not going to sleep with you. I prefer death.’
Yes.
He said, ‘Well think about these children’, my son was sleeping in the same room. My two year old … two and … nearly three year old son was sleeping in the same room … which he was pointing knives at my neck. I say ‘I prefer death …’ ‘… I won’t be sleeping with you.’ And he said ‘Well think about the children.’ I said, ‘There are lots of children that don’t have parent where they’ve survived. They’ll still survive.’
‘They will, I don’t want to sleep with you anymore.’
*Stark, E. (2007) Coercive Control. Oxford University Press: Oxford.
Last reviewed February 2020.
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