Lisa-Marie

Lisa-Marie is 34-year old woman employed as a healthcare assistant that is working towards becoming a nurse.

Lisa-Marie was isolated due to her eating disorder, which she developed at the age of sixteen. It was often impossible for her to take part in events that focus around food, which in turn limited her chances to socialise. A general lack of public awareness about eating disorders caused Lisa-marie to feel lonely. For Lisa-Marie, people don’t understand that it’s a serious condition; they think people are motivated by how they look and can stop any time. Lisa-Marie recalled feeling misunderstood, ashamed and isolated.

Lisa-Marie also talked about her brother’s long-term illness and her bereavement when he passed away approximately one year before the interview. With the death of her brother, Lisa Marie felt that she lost a confidant, an close friend but also the reason for her eating disorder recovery. However, throughout the grieving process she felt the need to be strong and to make big personal sacrifices in order to support her family. From Lisa Marie’s perspective, those who have not experienced grief and bereavement cannot fathom these intense emotions and that may cause people to feel alienated and emotionally distant from others.

During turbulent periods, her eating disorder nurse provided invaluable support. In addition, dialectic behavioural therapy and listening to music has been helpful. Online support groups for people with eating disorders also made her feel part of a community and provided with ongoing support.

In Lisa-Marie’s view, loneliness is a social problem, caused by a culture that’s individualistic, that can be combated by reaching out for help and support.

Lisa Marie felt lonely when she had an eating disorder and no one understood her.

Even like going out for meals with family. Like, my family know pretty much everything about what my… they know pretty much everything. And like, I wouldn’t even go out for meals with them because I just didn’t like being around food. So, that’s why, like, loneliness comes in as well because it kind of restricted me from doing stuff and going out for meals with, like, friends as well. I didn’t go out with friends if there was a certain friend who didn’t know. They just thought, like, because they never saw me, they just thought I was somewhere else.

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Lisa Marie felt like she needed to hide her eating disorder.

Even like going out for meals with family. Like my family know pretty much everything about what my… they know pretty much everything. And like, I wouldn’t even go out for meals with them because I just didn’t like being around food. So, that’s why like loneliness comes in as well because it kind of restricted me from doing stuff and going out for meals with like friends as well. I didn’t go out with friends if there was a certain friend who didn’t know. They just thought like because they never saw me, they just thought I was somewhere else.

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Lisa-Marie had a special bond with her brother who passed away after a long illness. She felt lonely having to be the strong one in the family.

And then in November, last year, so 2019, my brother passed away. He had lung cancer.

I: Oh, Lisa, I’m so sorry.

So, he had the leukaemia when he was five. And then he had several cases of tumours like throughout his life. And then, when he was 24, in 2019 he passed away because the lung cancer got too much and in the end that’s what killed him. [9:13][EM3]

I: I’m so sorry, Lisa.

And it was really hard, like not to relapse then as well. Because obviously, like I said, he was like my rock. And like, I always knew that my reason for getting better was him. So, to not have him here now, it’s like well what the point? Like what’s the point in staying better? But I’m learning that I need to do that for me. Not like to everyone else.

I: So, it must have been, it must be now very hard without your brother.

It is. It is. And again, that’s thrown me because if I was having a bad time, he would be the person that I’d talk to. I still talk to him now. People will think I’m mad because I sit here talking to him. But, yeah, it’s strange because I come home from work and like I go to speak with him, or I go to phone him, or I go for like messaging about something. He’s not here.

In October last year, we were told that he had a year and then within a month, he was being buried. So, like the lung cancer progressed so quickly that he was literally sent home from hospital to die basically.

I: It must have been very hard for you and your family.

It’s like, when I looked after… because I’m obviously a carer at work, I looked after him at home because that’s what he wanted.

I: In the end as well? During the…

In the end, yeah. So, they told him in hospital that he was going to die. And he said, “Well, I want to go home so that my sister can look after me.” Like, they said to him, did he want to stay in hospital or did he want to go to a hospice. And he said, “No, I want to go home so my sister can nurse me.

I: You must have had a very special relationship.

We did. We were so close.We were so close. And like I said, you know, he didn’t want anyone else to help him but me. So, it was a case of I’m working, like actually working, and then coming home, looking after him, and then going back to work the next day and coming home to… so it was like 24-hour fight, but I’d do it all again because it was for him.

I: So, you had to cope with the bereavement as well and not relapsing.

Yeah.

I: That must have been very hard, Lisa.

It was. And again, that was lonely as well. Because obviously I had to be strong for my family and I had to be strong for me. And like I had to do everything for my brother, cos I promised my brother I would do like all this kind of stuff and I had to like keep up with that. So, it was running on empty for quite some time.

I: Wow. OK. So, how has it been without your brother all this time?

Yeah, I can’t see it gets easier. It doesn’t get easier but it’s more manageable. Like because we just celebrated… not actually celebrated… we’ve got gone past like the one-year anniversary. That was like two weeks ago. So, I think like once you’ve done all the firsts, then it kind of becomes normal in a way. I still come home and like I think that he’s here.

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Lisa Marie identified with the singer Karen Carpenter, who had also experienced an eating disorder and loneliness

So, there’s a singer, Karen Carpenter?

No, sorry, I don’t…

She’s quite old. She had anorexia and she died when she was 32.

I’ve seen just the movie. I’ve seen it, yeah. OK.

Yeah, so I kind of relate to that and I do listen to a lot of her music because I can relate to it, kind of thing.

And do you think she was a lonely person as well?

Yeah, I do.

Why?

Because, again, she her eating disorders started because she didn’t feel loved and she felt like she always had to be better than what she was.

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