I was an only child for eight years and then my brother came along and I guess when he came along he was kind of like the golden child I guess even to this day to be fair he can do no wrong at all. So my parents favoured him over me pretty much from the get go so I kind of, because everyone was always all over my brother I kind of retreated and just kind of spent a lot of time in my room by myself not really socialising and isolating myself I suppose.  As my brother got older it was more, again my parents were kind of all over him it’s, it’s almost like he was their only child because whatever he did was the best of the best. I wasn’t massively popular or outgoing at school I didn’t have loads and loads of friends and I kind of struggled to fit in at my primary school, I moved there just after my Reception class because we’d moved house so I didn’t know anyone in school or in the area. And then two years after we moved my brother came along so I guess that’s where it kind of started.

I: You talked about a preference towards your brother, why do you think that is?

My, my real dad always wanted a boy, always, always wanted a boy whereas my mum was kind of, she didn’t wanna treat either of us differently but she ended up doing that anyway and I’ve got a little boy myself, so I know that the bonds with mother and son is strong so whether that had something to do with it or not I don’t know to be fair.

I: So how, how was that feeling how, how was everyday life?

Horrible

I: How did you feel that preference?

Well my brother, so he was, he would do things, he was naughty and he would get away with it somehow the, it would then be turned around on me, you know, if I hadn’t left something out in my room on the side, which he shouldn’t have been in anyway then it wouldn’t have happened. It was very, whatever my brother did even if it was something that he’d done off of his own back it was always my fault, always my fault. And it would, me and my brother have never bonded, we’re not close at all, we can’t stand each other which is a shame because I’ve got friends who have got huge families they’re really close with their siblings and stuff and I don’t know what that’s like.

I: Did you ever find a group that you thought were experiencing the same emotions as you or had similar experiences to you that you could feel more a sense of belonging?

No, not even at like Home Start groups and mother and baby groups and stuff, again it was the very much the, the cliques as it were because all the mums seemed to know each other so given the fact that you’ve all just had a baby and you’re all going through the same thing instead it was kind of almost a kind of instead of supporting each other it was very much well let’s just stick to our little cliques and stare at anyone who walks in that we don’t know and again that, horrible, absolutely horrible and because you’ve got a baby with you and a two year old and your two year old’s kicking off you feel that everyone’s judging you as well. And it kind of alienates you further.

They’d kind of had however many children so they’d gone through these groups before, so they had a set of friends where as I was a complete outsider, didn’t know anyone in these groups and no-one really made much of an effort to kind of reach out and say oh, you know, come and sit with us or come, and there was never any of that. So it, you know, and like I said we were all in the same boat we’d all just had children and navigating our way through sleepless nights because the mothers they were already in their groups they weren’t kind of oh come and sit with us or come and, you know, come and sit here it was like oh you’re an outsider you’re on your own.

I: So, so it was like school again?

Yeah, very much so

I: Have you ever gone to activities to meet people like local group activities?

No never felt I had the confidence to, to be fair and the, the idea of walking into a room and not knowing anyone is absolutely anxiety inducing.