You said things got worse and worse I just wondered if there were any other tactics, any other things that were going on.

I’d say his jealousy was one of the big parts of the relationship. It was it was relentless and then he would, if we were having an argument, he would get quite physical like I’ve already said. He was relatively… well he was sexually abusive in that he would he would coerce me into having sex…

Right when you weren’t wanting it.

… when I didn’t want it, yeah.

Okay.

And he could be quite aggressive then. And using all the, all the tactics of oh you know if you don’t somebody else will. You’re the woman, you’re supposed to, I’m the man I need this. All the rubbish.

And you said something about he was breaking you down so you had to do things.

Yeah.

Did he succeed at that? Did you sometimes do things which you didn’t really want to do just to please him?

I had sex with him a couple of times when I didn’t want to. I didn’t really feel like I had a choice. We had, it was usually after a massive argument where he was horrible to me, calling me all the names under the sun, calling me ugly, calling me fat, telling me, phew, nobody would want me, telling me he doesn’t even enjoy having sex with me, and then I’d be in the bedroom doing my own thing and he’d come in and just climb on top of me, do what he wanted and leave. Whether I said no, whether I cried, whether I didn’t want it, he didn’t care, he just did what he wanted and left. And then within an hour he’d try and come and comfort me and act like nothing had happened. And when I’d ask him, You had sex with me, why did you do that? I told you I didn’t want it. He’d turn around and say, Well, you’re my girlfriend and if I want sex I should be able to have sex with you. So I just kind of, I knew it was wrong, I knew that it was still considered to be rape because it was un-consensual, no matter whether he’s my husband, my boyfriend or the father of my child, I still did not consent to it. But because I felt like he never, he wasn’t always this person, I kind of thought that there was a point where he might become the person that I fell in love with.

I think he thinks that sex is love, my ex, I think he honestly thinks… because it’s like oh you don’t really love me because you, you know, we don’t… we haven’t had sex this week. Or he would do the, the other thing of like on the Wednesday, Monday to Wednesday, if we hadn’t had sex, he’d say we haven’t had sex this week and that was kind of a bit of an alarm bell. I’m thinking no I won’t and that was the pressure and then he was wondering why I felt pressure. He was reminding me like we only had sex once last week or we haven’t had sex, normally had sex actually each week. [We actually were having sex three times a week and he was still wanting sex].

But… and there was a thing on this thing on the Saturday [on the marriage course] about questions and answers and there was one about what if your husband, you know, wants to have sex and you don’t… this woman was saying my husband wants sex and I have sex, even though I don’t actually want it and this woman was saying that’s actually wrong because you’ve both got to want to. Both have to be consenting. If there’s a problem you need to sit down and talk about it and that’s the thing, is that whole talking, communication.

You mentioned raping.

Yeah, that was.

Do you want to talk a little bit about that or?

I think that was his preference. I think he enjoyed seeing somebody hurt.

I think for him it wasn’t about having sex with a loving partner, it was about getting what he wanted.

So a lot of the time it was, if I was dressed to go somewhere for example, he would have to have sex before I left the house. It wasn’t, it was never loving sex. It was almost forceful, aggressive sex.

Hurting me. And then not allowing me to have a wash before I left the house. So that became quite normal, whatever normal is for me. I wasn’t allowed to say no. There was no such thing as no because he would take it.

So if you did try and say no, what would happen or?

He would take it. He would take it, pinning me down and yeah, just doing what he wanted really. I don’t, I wasn’t really, even though he didn’t say, You can’t have no expression, it’s not about you pleasing you, it was about you pleasing me. So I learned to go onto autopilot. I knew what I needed to do. I knew the job that he wanted done, doing. And I was really good at my job [long sigh].

So, yeah, that was my sex life [tearful] for many years. And I thought that was normal.

So, yeah, the one time as well, which I don’t like saying, but I’m just going to tell you, but when we were living in the, in the flat, well I was going over there a lot, it was the first time he’d ever taken drugs and he’d been out all night. Because of his sport he doesn’t do drugs or drink. He used to smoke weed, but he wasn’t really one for, for drinking or taking drugs. So this one time I know he’d been out all night. He was starting to get into this habit of again going out. I was about 21 now at the time. And I know he’d done, he’d done drugs, because he came in, it was early, it was about 5/6 o’clock in the morning. And I said, Where have you been? and he said, Oh, I’ve been over to one of the clubs. And he said I said, ‘You look really weird’, and he said, ‘Oh, I’ve taken drugs’. And I, as far as I’m aware, that was the first time he’d done them.

Right.

And then he got on top of me and he wanted to have sex and I was just it was, it was really weird, I just like froze. And I said like, I don’t want to have sex, I said, you’ve been out all night, I don’t want to. And he just persisted, he started taking my trousers off. I said, I don’t, I don’t want to. I think I had pyjama bottoms on or something. And I just kept saying, ‘Oh like no’. But he just insisted. So it’s yeah, it’s not I just think back at that, and I always think now, I wonder if he, I wonder if he ever knew what he did to me that night? Like, I don’t know, it just plays on my mind sometimes now, I just think [tearful].

What happened to you that night, would you say?

I was raped.

Right.

Yeah hmm.

And what was the impact of that on you after that?

I felt weird. I wouldn’t have said it was rape at the time; I just remember feeling really like, That was weird. I said no and he still did it. And I thought it was a bit I thought it was weird. I knew it wasn’t normal but, because he was my boyfriend, I didn’t believe that, rape, you could be raped, your boyfriend couldn’t rape you. You know, rape’s something that happens when you’re walking through a dark alley by someone you don’t know, that’s how I thought.

Back in 2001 when he first raped me, the police, doctors, appalling, no support, no nothing.

Did you go to them and tell them what was

Yeah.

happening?

I went to me doctor. Got married on Friday, raped me Friday night, went to the doctor’s Monday. The doctor just said, Everybody goes – it’s a new marriage, everyone goes through a rough patch. Anyhow, I ended up bleeding from the back passage, had to ring an ambulance. Police escorted me to the hospital and on the way down there the policeman [sighs] he just said to me, How can you have been raped by, it’s the partner’s, this is the partner’s journey, or something like that. How can you be raped by your husband? He’s just had it a little bit too rough. Until the nurse the nurse’s report came back, the internal came back and there was damage done to, on the inside. Wasn’t offered no support then by the police. No victim support.

What about the hospital when you, just checking it’s coming through here.

No, nothing, like no counselling, no, absolutely no nothing.

So they just sent you away from the hospital?

Yeah.

They just sent you away with a?

Just give me some antibiotics in case I had an infection through the ripping of me back passage.

I didn’t have money at all.

Nothing at all?

Nothing.

So he controlled everything?

Yes. So my son was breastfeeding so he didn’t have to like do lots of the, on nappies, on milk, or on every other thing I was relying on him, like calling him if you can

If you can get these things?

These things.

Yeah. Yeah.

And he will get it. But if I say again and again, like if I have like three nappies left

Uh-huh.

and I just keep giving him reminder he will get quite annoyed.

Right.

And then if he is annoyed he is not going to buy anything.

So what would happen?

So I was like more in that pressure. I want that nappies, I want that milk.

Yes.

And, okay, he he might buy me the take away, but what I will do like a few baby foods you have to make with the milk.

Yes of course.

This and that.

Yes of course.

But if then there was a situation I didn’t have any option, not even nappies or milk. Because he will come home when we are sleeping, early morning, and he will not leave home by four o’clock without talking. Anything. But in order to get things, ask him to do I have to sleep with him.

Right. Yeah. Okay. Mm.

So that’s the thing I adopted, if I need something I have to sleep with him.

Yeah, yeah.

If I want to see my son to have toys, have food, have clothes

You had to pay for it with sex?

Yeah.

Yes. So that was what your life was like at that time?

Yes.

Can you give me any other examples of how he controlled you?

Taking my money, financially. If I’d because I had a car, I was working, oh, in [name of city], he would I would be paying for the shopping, I’d pay half the rent, because he was on the dole at the time, so the half of the house was paid by the dole. And then he’d have his dole money. He was like sell weed as well, so all his incomings were fine. But mine, I was having to work to pay half of the rent and things like that, so I was putting a lot of money into it. And he used to do things like make me give him oral sex for money for petrol, if I couldn’t get to work, I’m going to get upset now… sorry… [tearful].

That’s fine, that’s absolutely understandable. Have you got a tissue or something?

No [laughs].

[pause to get tissues]

Thanks, so because then I was trying to get to work, sometimes I, you know, I didn’t have money for petrol and things like that. He used to come back from him training for this sport that he did. At the time I’d started [unclear] for work, so sometimes if I didn’t have any money, I had to wait for it, and I’d say, Oh, can you lend me £5, £10 just so I can put petrol in the car to get to work? And he’d make me obviously give him oral sex and then he’d give me the money then. Mmm.