I went council back, they send me in that borough which I am living right now.

So that’s where you are now?

Yes, but that accommodation was on fourth or fifth building, there wasn’t any lift going up sixty-seven stair.

Oh.

Three children.

Oh my Goodness.

Going up, going down, I just don’t know what to do. And I had to start benefit, so I thought okay, well that was physical abuse, that was sexual abuse; I think the real abuse started now.

In what sense?

No money.

Uh-huh.

No strength to walk. Don’t know where to go [tearful]. Struggle six weeks a lot, until I find somebody to take me to women refuge, and that fear he’s going to come any minute.

Oh right, yeah.

The knife scene stuck in my mind

Of course it did.

so badly [tearful].

Of course it did, yes.

And then I had it to go. They said, ‘Oh there is a women refuge’, I said, Just take me anywhere.

So who who was the lady who found you and took you to a refuge then? Who was ?

She was from the police department.

Right.

She was a like sensitive department of raping and everything.

Right. Uh-huh.

And because she took me to family justice centre, I even don’t know do I want any police against, against him? Do I want to get divorce first? I was just running.

Yes of course.

Though without knowing, without having that knowledge

Of course.

what I am doing.

Yes.

I was just running from this man.

I mean when I went in hospital I had eight point something in blood

Uh-huh.

and when they done the morning blood test it was four point something.

Gosh, mm.

After all the D&C and after all everything. I lost half of my body blood, and I was not with

No.

I was like faint. The nurse who came into that, and she’s checked the blood pressure and she got panicked. She rushed to call everybody.

Yes.

At that time I had 21 glucose and three bottles of blood.

Right.

But he was like, ‘Oh you can’t look after her’ and this and that, ‘I’m taking my wife home’ And he did took me home [laughs].

He took you home?

Because he got so much concern about it, they might because they had D&C and everything, they might ask me something and I might

But you didn’t, so you didn’t get a chance to talk?

When I came home and I said, ‘That’s it’ And he make sure I’m not telling my sister and sister-in-law it was miscarriage, and just make sure ‘You just tell them oh, I was not feeling well.’ So he took me home, and I’m shocked how hospital let me go

Yes.

in that condition.

Yes. Yeah.

They shouldn’t.

No.

I called the police, they came there, I give the statement, come back home. The statement was so strong and so I even didn’t realise what I am telling, what really that can affect somebody. The officer called me within a few hours. She was a high command officer.

Right.

She read statement, and I said, ‘That statement, whatever I said that’s tell the truth.’

Yes.

And she said she wanted to see me in home. I said, ‘You can’t see me home, my partner is just sat outside the house, he can be any time there.’ And she said, ‘I won’t come in police dress, I won’t come in police car ‘

Right.

‘I just wanted to see you.’

Yes.

I said, ‘Okay.’ I don’t know if she wanted to check my mind level, because the

Right.

statement quite, he put the knives on my neck, he

Yes, yeah.

had, was, was physically , it was too much, there was too too many things.

Yes.

She just wanted to see I made all these stories. Or I really am, I’m suffering with these all problems. She came home and she asked me many things and I replied this and that, my son is in this school, my daughter is in this school, one child is here with me.

She didn’t let me waste any second. She said, ‘Where is your passport?’ She said ‘Do you have any?’ I said, ‘Yes somewhere here in the drawers.’

She emptied the whole drawer on the floor and she said, ‘Pick up your things, you’re going with me’ [laughs].

Wow.

And I said, ‘I can’t leave house without my children. This is the only wealth I’ve got.’

She help me to grab my phone, charger, make sure I get the charger, make sure I get some travel documents.

She asked me to look if I have any money at in the home there was like a few moneyboxes of my children, I grabbed that money. She said, ‘I promise I bring you your children, but you come with me.’ I just wanted to leave that man so much.

Yes.

I even didn’t make sure my children come. She promised and she looked really convincing, I just left my house without them [crying].

Yes.

Having that fear, oh God my children are going to come or not.

So he was working that time in a good restaurant, and was well known and people wished to work there.

Yeah. Yeah.

He was struggling to keep up with the job.

Right.

And he just quit, and I thought okay, and he was not like coming home on time, and then he was making me to lie to my sister, ‘Oh he was in the work’, and he wasn’t.

So this was in the first year of your marriage?

Yeah.

And were you working at that time or ?

No, no, I was like completely new

Yes.

no, I couldn’t even speak, so because everybody was keep coming to, you know support my sister, all, you know, family and friends.

Oh, so you were talking your usual language at home?

Yes. So then he started to make me lie to my sister, ‘Oh no, he was in, he was sleeping.’

Yes.

And this and then obviously I’m not going to lie to my sister.

No.

But then I’m in that situation, what shall I do?

Yes.

So I did tell my sister the truth

Yes.

he wasn’t there but he wish me to tell you this, and she got really concerned.

But she talked to her husband, and then he said, ‘Oh, she’s only seventeen and you shouldn’t ‘ you know, ‘They are both sister, you can’t do this. This is not how to develop the relationship, you should come on time and give her time, take her outside.’ You know, ‘The time she is here is very depressing for her’.

Right.

‘And she’s only young, she can’t cope with all this. Take her somewhere nice.’

Right.

You know, ‘So you can know each other.’

I think my main, main thing should be if they analyse the problem they should dig.

Dig. Mm.

In my history, in my medical history, I did see two different doctors mention the lady is very depressed but refused to open up. They could say have parenting classes

Uh-huh.

have some, ‘Oh, we have this group running’, or we have this they we have red books

Yes.

but I don’t see any use of red books.

No.

Unless a mother want to.

Yes.

And I think they should make use that red book. They should see the child is going regularly basis, Mum taking the children

What’s the red book?

The red book when the child born.

For the child. Yes, that you fill in.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Every time you weigh, every time

Yes.

they have teeth or

Yes, yes.

I think GPs, health visitor, and teachers teach, I think second one is teacher. She knows how the child is doing in education. She know and, and the school should have a little workshop for the children to see if they are living in that abuse or controlled environment.

So the more he hit me, the more he make conditions, the more I wanted to leave him [laughs].

Yes.

Or have that freedom. So I started to go online chat rooms. And the people were so happy, talk about their relationships, and they their husband and their wives, ‘Oh, I’m going to do this because my wife asked me., and I’m going to do this.’ And I I do nothing, I just read their chat and nothing, in public rooms. And that’s

What, like libraries or ?

It’s just a place there; old people go there and

Right.

they have different language rooms and you can enter with a

Oh I see.

an ID.

Right.

You can either use you know, this part have your ID there or you start chatting ‘Oh I’m from here’.

Yes, yes.

‘I speak this language’.

Yeah.

You make friends.

Yeah.

Whatever. Pretty much Facebook or

Yes.

Instagram whatever. But you add people if you have like you like. But it was voice conversation as well.

Yes.

So if somebody talking other sixty, seventy people can hear.

Can hear.

So they always talk about their perfect relationship, and I thought what kind of world I am living in? And then they, sometimes they have the different rooms which they talk about law, this is forbidden, this is as religious, this is as a country. I start developing my knowledge you can say.

Yes. Yes.

And then start and trying to understood the thing and polishing my English, but I never learned English from anywhere at all. A few words, then Google it, and then look something on You Tube.

Sometimes in the morning, because he was mostly drunk, so in the morning I get opportunity while he’s sleeping to take them to nursery.

Right. Yes.

So when he want to have argument he will say, ‘Oh, why didn’t you wake me up? Why you went out?’

Uh-huh.

But if, because that’s giving him a break as well, to get up in that drunk mode, he was okay as well, me walking my son to the nursery. But he kept like my, I had give birth to my daughter

Yes.

and then he says, ‘Oh, don’t take your daughter out with you, leave her home because it’s cold.’ So in order to walk my son I have to leave my daughter with him.

Oh. And how did that make you feel?

In, in the beginning I thought he start to have a little care about me, oh he’s thinking

Yeah. Yeah.

he’s like giving time to my daughter.

Yes, yes.

But I, like over the time I just realise it’s just he’s making sure I’m always going to come back.

Right, yes.

Because sometimes I come back and my daughter is she’s crying and he’s not even awake.

No, gosh.

So obviously I’m going to feel bad, my daughter is crying out of her lungs and the Father is drunk sleeping, cannot even hear her.

Yes.

So then either I have to leave her with him, or either make him wake up.

Yes.

To leave my child to school. And then he will say, ‘Oh why you have to pick the morning shift? Why you couldn’t like take the afternoon one?’, and I said, ‘There wasn’t any places’ and this and that.

When I was going to that school on everyday basis I have a neighbour, she’s Irish

Uh-huh.

she live few houses away from me she work in the council. She asked me many times, ‘Let’s go for a pizza’, because her children and my children are in similar classes and similar years.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

‘Let’s go out, have cup of tea. Let’s go library, there is a reading challenge, there’s this challenge.’

Yes, yeah.

‘Or your my son have very wonky hair, teeth’

Yes.

and she always, ‘Oh you should go to dentist.’

Yes.

Oh I said to her ‘I’m not even registered at a dentist.’ And she always says ‘hello’ and ‘hi’. And when I went home and I realised nobody can help me, she asked me, ‘What’s wrong? Surely something is wrong?’

And then she started coming to my house my husband didn’t like it, he accuses me, ‘oh you want to have life like white people, miniskirts, boyfriends’ and this and that. So he didn’t say anything to her, but surely she can sense he is not happy meet with it. She gave me one stop shop card.

Oh right.

She hugged me.

Right.

Because my husband, he was on the road in that car slowly

Right.

watching.

Yes.

She slipped that card and she asked me, ‘Can you read this card?’, and ‘Please tear the card and flush it.’ Because she knew that that she never knew when he was living with me or not, because he was under the mosque command not to visit me in home.

Right, yeah. Had she been through something herself, is that why she knew?

Yeah, but she works in like social services.

Right, yes.

She gave me the card. ‘The card doesn’t say anything, it’s just says One Stop Shop’ and then underneath it says ‘Domestic violence free helpline’ and this and that.

Right.

I start calling them. I explain my situation. They can pretty much make me like pack up my dresses, pack up your children things, pack up something which you can’t leave.

And where are you getting your support from now? Are you getting any?

I don’t get any support now.

No.

The time I left the refuge I didn’t get any support at all.

Right.

So they tried and help us in nine months to show me how to get the bus, how to get Google Maps and check which bus to go where, and check show me how to look the maps. Get admission forms filled for my children to go new schools. Walk them with that confidence nothing going to happen. Stop looking behind your shoulder all the time. They, they taught me lots of stuff, but when you’ve lived your life more than twelve nearly thirteen years nine months are not enough to change old habits.

Yes. Yeah. Who helped you get the court molestation order you had ?

The refuge people, they provided a solicitor.

I didn’t have money at all.

Nothing at all?

Nothing.

So he controlled everything?

Yes. So my son was breastfeeding so he didn’t have to like do lots of the, on nappies, on milk, or on every other thing I was relying on him, like calling him if you can

If you can get these things?

These things.

Yeah. Yeah.

And he will get it. But if I say again and again, like if I have like three nappies left

Uh-huh.

and I just keep giving him reminder he will get quite annoyed.

Right.

And then if he is annoyed he is not going to buy anything.

So what would happen?

So I was like more in that pressure. I want that nappies, I want that milk.

Yes.

And, okay, he he might buy me the take away, but what I will do like a few baby foods you have to make with the milk.

Yes of course.

This and that.

Yes of course.

But if then there was a situation I didn’t have any option, not even nappies or milk. Because he will come home when we are sleeping, early morning, and he will not leave home by four o’clock without talking. Anything. But in order to get things, ask him to do I have to sleep with him.

Right. Yeah. Okay. Mm.

So that’s the thing I adopted, if I need something I have to sleep with him.

Yeah, yeah.

If I want to see my son to have toys, have food, have clothes

You had to pay for it with sex?

Yeah.

Yes. So that was what your life was like at that time?

Yes.

And he said that he want to sleep, he’s really tired. He slept. I didn’t have any other option to sleep somewhere else.

Uh-huh.

I waited the whole night. Then my son was sleeping on his same bed, so I didn’t kind of not he start asking me again Let’s ‘s, you know, make up everything back’s, and this and that, ‘I’ll surely change.’ That’s promised to happen so many times but I was not I said ‘No.’ He ran to kitchen, grabbed two knives came back, and I was standing. He put, pointed both knives on my neck, and I said ‘I prefer to die. But I’m not going to sleep with you. I prefer death.’

Yes.

He said, ‘Well think about these children’, my son was sleeping in the same room. My two year old two and nearly three year old son was sleeping in the same room which he was pointing knives at my neck. I say ‘I prefer death. I won’t be sleeping with you.’ And he said ‘Well think about the children.’ I said, ‘There are lots of children that don’t have parent where they’ve survived. They’ll still survive.’

‘They will, I don’t want to sleep with you anymore.

How are you are you alright in yourself?

I’m fine. The thing is you know, every time you have that so many scars in your memory

Yes. Yes.

even though they are only you know, scars

Yes.

they don’t hurt you, but when you look at the scar the whole story will run out in your mind, oh I got this because of that, that always there.

The whole story runs out, yeah. Yeah.

That’s always hard. Sometimes you kind of say, ‘Oh how stupid I was.’ Sometimes you say, well if you should that time I go for hug. That every time you think differently.

Mm, yeah, yeah.

You can’t always blame yourself, ‘Oh how stupid’, or how weak I was. Every time you look at that scar it’s with the time, with the confidence, with the self-esteem, every time your mind tell you a different story.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I understand what you mean, yeah.

So yeah, if I see when I’m sleeping, because my daughter, she notice a few times Daddy used to drive Mummy from one bed if I used to sleep with her…

Right.

a few nights to be able to be safe.

Yes.

But he, either pick me up to take to other room, or either drag me.

Yes.

Either way. So now they don’t have to see that anymore.

Mm. Good.

I don’t have to sleep with him to get my children McDonald’s.

Yes. Good.

So yes there are lots of positive things, but scars are there.

Right. Of course they are, yes.

So I think with the mood swings, with your confidence and self-esteem level, every time you tell different to yourself because of this happened.

Yes. Do you think it’s had any lasting effect on your actual health?

It does kind of make you drained. There are a few days when I feel ‘Oh gosh, I can’t do anything.’

So now I am learning more about my religion.

Right.

More about the England law, and more about the until I left my partner I never knew I can get a child benefit or I am register with my children as a Mother, yes or no. So when I called the first time [unclear] people, they the first thing they said is You don’t exist in our papers.

Yes. Mm. You don’t exist. Wow.

And he make sure he give me that reminder, ‘Oh if you leave me you will end up begging on the streets. And when you’re on the street you have to sell your body for either’

Right. I guess you thought he was right?

Yes.

You did, yeah. Yeah.

I thought then I might have to sell my body too many peoples

Yes.

now it’s only one.

Yes, yes. Yes.

So he controlled me my mind my body, my finance

Yes.

my social life, everything. My emotions, everything.