So, is there one piece of advice that you’d give to a woman who’s in an abusive relationship?

Get out of there.

Right.

Just get straight out of it. Don’t even think about staying there, just get out straight away. And that’s it because it gets worse and worse and worse.

Yeah.

And then it just plays mind games with your head. And then you just destroy yourself. And that is the way they do it, they just, they just sits there then and waits for you to destroy yourself. Which you will.

If you had a message to give to the doctors out there, what, what would it be?

Just please listen to what people saying. D’ye know what I mean, just because they walk into the practice and think that, yeah, everything’s fine. No, it’s not. Do you know what I mean?

Sure, yeah.

They ain’t going to get trust in you, patients, ain’t going to trust you until you be nice to them do you know what I mean? And because not being funny because I trusted, I put my, well my daughter’s life into a consultant’s hand and that happened I wouldn’t even open up to anyone, do you know what I mean?

I just wouldn’t open up to anyone, but now the doctor I got she is lovely, she just. She is brilliant. You can tell her anything d’ye know what I mean, she is lovely.

You did have some bad experiences with doctors from what you’re saying?

Yeah, yeah. No, I did, but they need to just listen to people and

Yeah.

get it. Obviously the people, they knows best, they know what’s going on.

Yeah.

And it’s no good oh well, yeah this has happened, oh here’s some tablets. That didn’t just cure it la, la.

No.

Keep trying to zombie you.

Where should the help come from?

I do think, not being nasty, there should be people like, how should I put it, like myself who’s been through it.

Yes.

Who they can open up and talk to because they’ve been through it themselves.

Oh right.

And then they, they would chat quite easy then, I think.

Yeah.

I think.

Yes.

Because if, not being nasty, [first support worker] from [Domestic Violence and Abuse agency], she sat there and she said to me, Don’st worry I’ve been through it myself. And she knew and then I started becoming really close to her.

Right.

Because when I was telling her things she was going like this is good to say yeah, this happened, do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

To her

Yes.

so she knew and I think that was easier because you knew

Yes.

if somebodies going through the same as

Yeah.

what you are.

Yeah.

And there’s easier. But I think there should be somebody out there, not the Samaritans because not being nasty they deal with everything, don’t they. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, it’s true.

But if somebody’s actually gone through

Gone through it.

exactly

Yeah.

what they’ve gone through

Yeah.

yeah, and that’s why I think they should have somebody, outsiders, doing it, voluntary

Yeah, yeah.

who would do it.

That sounds really good

And to be quite honest with you after all this if they had somewhere I’d do it myself.

Would you?

Yeah, I would, yeah I would and I’d do it voluntary for them.

Yeah.

Because I know that much. I went through it.

Yes.

But I mean, seeing the people and talking to them on the phone and then like it if me and a cup of get a coffee or whatever and chatting to them. They’d feel a little better.

Just had to keep going. And then in the end we went out, it was his birthday on the 12th of February and we went out one night, on, on his birthday, me, him, one of our daughters and her boyfriend and we went to an Indian restaurant and he knows I can’t stand Indian and he insisted that we had to go there. So I had to sit there and watch him eat because I wouldn’t eat it and he said, You’ve f-ing wrecked my birthday, I’ve had enough of this. I ain’t taking no more crap and all this lot. Started really showing me up in front of them and that and all.

So I went, I had a go back and he said, Shut your mouth, he said, because you know he said, I can have you killed for five hundred grand. And I thought, and he used to say to me I’m driving mind and I used to think is he going to try to kill me or something because we used to have fast cars and that.

Hm. Right.

And I used think God, he’s going to try to kill me sort of thing and it was late on the night and it was just me and him and I’d be, none of the kids were there and I thought oh I’ll just be nice to him and so I used to just be nice.

Because I want to get out of [city] because when he finds out he’s going to absolutely go schizo.

When he finds out?

About the police and that lot and when they go to arrest him that’s it he’s going to go crazy.

So he’s going to be arrested?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’re going to arrest him. Yeah, they’ve hoping to take him to court over it. Yeah. So because he’s what is it they’re saying it is, it’s sexual, oh god, sexual assault. Even though I was with him he’s still making me have sex with him for money.

Right.

And because he didn’t seem to realise I used to write it in my diary when he used to come and how much he used to give me.

Ahhh.

See I wasn’t stupid I wrote everything in the diary

Yeah, yeah.

how much he used to give me to get food and how much

Yeah.

and then when he stopped and he wanted sex and that.

Yeah.

I could even tell you what he used to wear everything. I d’ye know what I mean.

Right, yeah.

Yeah, I was very quick.

Yeah.

And there’s no way he could do me over.

And is there anything you feel you’ve learnt from this whole experience?

Oh I’ve learned a lot.

Yeah.

A helluva lot, believe me I’ve learned a lot.

Yeah.

I’ve learnt a helluva lot. You never ever trust anyone. And that, that’s it. Even if the right one comes along you still won’t trust them.

No.

And I’m being honest with you, you rather be on your own.

Hmm, yeah, sure.

And like I said to you I lived with my sister when I was sixteen. I met him when I was sixteen, I was with him the whole of the time then. For thirty years.

Oh.

Didn’t know what it was like to live on my own.

No.

And now, I’ve done it.

And what’s it like?

Brilliant.

Good.

Brilliant, I wouldn’t go back on it. I wouldn’t go back. Honestly. I would never ever, ever, ever go back. I’ve got my own little car – got no tracker on it. I’ve got my own little front door I can walk in. I can do what I want, I can have who I want in my house. If I want my friends in there I can have them in there. I can go out if I want to go out, I can go out.

Yeah.

There’s nobody telling me that I can’t do what I want.

Yeah.

And I love it. Go bed when I want. I can watch TV when I want. It’s lovely. I love it and it just seems really weird because you go and you put the TV on and you think oh my God, sometimes, like, isn’t this lovely? You don’t have to answer to anyone or, do you want to watch this channel? You just sit there and watch it. You don’t, you don’t worry about things. Or, getting up to like make yourself a coffee and, and you’ve got no problems

Yeah, yeah.

with it and it’s lovely. It is lovely. It is.

Yeah.

It’s like no rowing. Nobody looking at you funny and because your friends is in there, it’s just you do what you want.

Yeah.

And it’s brilliant. I love it.

Yeah.

Now

Good.

I really do.

So, my son come in he said, Do us all a favour. And I said, What? He said, Just kill yourself. Put the tablets on the bed, he said, My dad give me them to give to you, there you go. Chucked them on the bed.

Gave him what to give you?

Tablets, paracetamol and steroids. And, yeah, it was paracetamol and steroids and Neurofen I think and so I just took the lot.

You did take them?

150 paracetamols, eighty something steroids and I think it was forty-two Neurofen, yeah so I took them.

How long ago was this?

That was, I don’t know how long has been gone, he’s been gone since 2012.

Right, a few years.

Yeah, yeah.

So what happened? You’ve taken all those drugs, what happened?

I took them all and then they got me an ambulance.

Who got it?

My daughter. Got an ambulance. And I got out there and they let me back home, I seen a psychiatrist and she said, No, you’re just badly depressed. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just depressed. So they let me come home, I was let out on Saturday in the morning, he come in and said, You can’t drive the car down to the field, but you can come now with me to take the kids. And then he kept saying, I need a cup of coffee. Saying, We’ll drop the kids and go by the lakes and we’ll try to sort it out right. So I thought, sort it out

Yeah.

he’s going to say I’ll leave you alone blah, blah, blah and all that lot. So then and I’m not thinking straight. So I said, yeah, all right, go down to the lakes, he said, Don’t jump out try and drown yourself mind.

Hm. [laughs]

And I made a comment, I was laughing and said, Hahahaha. I can swim, all right. Straight away do you know what I mean? So how am I going to drown? You can’t. And that was my comment. Then, he just, oh he was going on and on and on I can’t be with you. I hates you, you’re just trash oh blah, blah, blah trying to drag me back down again. And then we went to the garage up by the lakes and there’s some gas canisters and he said to me, Don’t go by them and light up a fire, he said, And blow yourself up mind. Just basically trying to tell me, go on do it. Sort of thing. But he wasn’st the way he was saying it. And then, I said, just I’m going to get out of the car. He said, Don’t. Just take me back down to the kids. Well we got down to pick the kids up and he was as nice as pie to me, Oh do you want a fag, in front of the kids like and when I got home I got out of the car and I said, Just, please don’t come near this house again, I said, I mean, I don’t want you near it. He said, You can’t stop me. And I walked in the house and I said to, told my daughters Go to Tesco’s for me and get some, some food and they went to Tesco’s. I tried to kill myself again. Took a load of tablets again. I took, this time I took a 152 paracetamols. It was, what was it 152 paracetamols and 89 antibiotics and 92 steroid tablets.

So, again someone got an ambulance for you did they?

They come home and caught me is when they come back from the shops, they found me.

Ah.

And got me an ambulance again and he just phoned up and said, She needs sectioning, he did, he phoned up and said, She needs sectioning she’s mental you just why can’t you see that she’s crazy. She keeps trying to kill herself and all that lot. She doing it in front of my kids, my kids shouldn’t be in there and oh it just escalated from there. And the psychiatrist I’m seeing said, No, she’s not. She’s just badly depressed. Leave her alone and she’ll be fine.

Yeah, but he left me £180,000 worth of debt. All together I’m in a £180,000 of debt. Where he was taking things out in my name, mobile phones, catalogues, everything. And I’m in so much debt now, yeah, so.

And when he was still living with you and he used to make you do gambling online?

Yeah, online…

But he would just sort of stand over you and tell you what to do?

No, no, no. He’d put money on there.

Right.

And he’d go off

Right.

for hours on end. So say working, he’d go and see his girlfriend, whatever who he was going out with.

Right.

And he was running the business. He told me it was going downhill. Yet, all the same it was boosting back up. He had cameras in my car. He had trackers in my car.

He had cameras in your car?

Cameras in my car. Yeah. So that he could watch me when I was out, who I had in the car, who I didn’t have in the car. Trackers. He could track me wherever I was in the car.

Did you find out about these things at the time or later?

I didn’t know until one day I was messing around in the car and it sort of like to know when you got like the navigation thing built in. It sort of like clicked and I thought, that shouldn’t have clicked.

And then I thought, no, that ain’t right, so I took it into Volkswagen. And he said, I ain’t meant to tell you this, he said, but there’s cameras in the car, he’s watching you, he said, and trackers.

And then he come in one night and went, had a cup of coffee, went to bed. And I went up to watch TV and he turned around and, I turned the TV on and he said, he started swearing and or don’t you want me to

Do you want me to say what he said?

You can that’s fine.

All right. Turn the f-ing tele off. And I turned round and said, No. I want to watch TV. And he said, You’ll f-ing regret this. And he pulled out a gun from underneath the bed and put it on the side there and I sort of like crapped myself

[Gasps]

and turned the TV of, rolled over and went to sleep and that’s when he

With a gun?

started, yeah he had a gun under the bed. He had two. I found two under there.

Were they loaded?

I don’t know [laughs]. I didn’t hang around to find out. I didn’t know woo woo woo. Yeah, so.

Gosh.

And but the police knows all about that and then I woke up in the morning and he was gone, gone to work and then he just used to ring me, make sure this is done, make sure that’s done as though I was a piece of shit do you know what I mean? And all that lot. There and I used to just take it from him and I used to think ah, well, I’m with him because of the kids and that’s that.