Stephanie

Stephanie is now free of her second emotionally abusive relationship but still suffers from nightmares and stress and describes herself as ‘cynical’ and less trusting of men. Stephanie met both partners in the workplace. She did not live with either partner. The first relationship lasted six years and the second one only a few months, her previous experience enabling her to recognise the developing abuse sooner.

Aged 28, Stephanie left a long-term relationship, living with her partner in the house they owned together, when she met a man at work; a new relationship that she felt was just meant to be’. However, he was very abusive from the beginning’, calling her names, blaming her for his mood swings and, once, physically attacking her in a night club. His friends tended to normalise’ and laugh about the abusive behaviour, which made Stephanie think she was over-reacting’.

The relationship had frequent break-ups and reunions, when Stephanie felt they managed to talk honestly, before the abusive patterns of behaviour began again. Following one break-up, Stephanie moved to a different city for a new job but their relationship re-started. Stephanie felt encouraged when her partner showed remorse for his behaviour, he sought help through his GP and attended cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) sessions. However he continued to lie about his whereabouts, his friendships with other women, and to blame her for everything. After one particular night of his rants she ended their relationship, threatening to call the police.

Six years later, Stephanie’s second partner was initially sympathetic to her previous experience of abuse, which drew her towards him until, months later, he blamed their break-up on this previous abuse, suggesting it was her fault and that she needed psychological help.

This partner had kept a liaison going with his previous girlfriend and then engaged in gas-lighting’, causing her to question her own sanity by denying events or conversations that had taken place.

Stephanie feels this relationship has impacted on her professional life, she constantly fears encountering her second ex through work, and she is also upset that, when they split up, most of their mutual friends sided with him’.

Although Stephanie feels that most people don’t particularly understand, one friend suggested she was experiencing abuse. Stephanie made an internet search and was shocked to find her experiences described, but she also felt validated’. She joined an internet forum, which has been a major source of support.

When the second relationship ended, Stephanie was depressed, under-weight and, at times, suicidal. Her self-esteem was ground down’ by the abuse, she suffered from panic attacks, she self-harmed, and still has frequent nightmares. Following a short course of counselling via her workplace, she received help from private counselling, feeling unable to wait many months for NHS counselling offered through her GP. She feels that GPs need training to recognise the signs of abuse and that relationship education should be improved at school so that children do not learn to normalise’ abusive behaviour.

Stephanie provided support for another woman going through a difficult divorce.

Age at interview 39

Gender Female

After confronting her partner, Stephanie fell into a pattern of self-blame but got support to leave him by joining an internet forum.

Age at interview 39

Gender Female

Stephanie stresses that life is better out of an abusive relationship but she needed someone to help her ‘find the strength’ to leave, in her case her GP.

Age at interview 39

Gender Female

Stephanie was upset when her partner treated her roughly but his friends joked about couples having arguments.

Age at interview 39

Gender Female

Stephanie ‘felt betrayed’ by mutual friends but eventually found help from her own friends once she had left her abusive partner.

Age at interview 39

Gender Female

Stephanie’s family were not emotionally supportive but would ‘do anything’ to help her in a practical way, such as helping her to move house to another city.

Age at interview 39

Gender Female

Stephanie’s partner blamed their break-up on her need for psychological help, ignoring his own behaviour such as continuing to see his previous girlfriend.

Age at interview 39

Gender Female

After having been in two abusive relationships, Stephanie found that she ‘almost conflated’ the two partners and still had nightmares about the abuse.

Age at interview 39

Gender Female

Stephanie experienced ‘gas-lighting’ from her partner, who lied and tried to manipulate her, and who told her that she had ‘psychological problems’.

Age at interview 39

Gender Female