I think, being autistic I feel lonely quite a lot of the time so I think it’s always there. I think it’s never not a part of who I am. So I think it’s, it’s because it’s very hard to relate to other people, unless they’re autistic themselves, so I think that’s where the loneliness sort of comes from.

I really enjoy social media and seeing there’s other autistic people which is just like amazing because [um] it just makes me feel like I’m not alone, you know.

I: Could you tell me a little bit about that community, I’m very interested in hearing about [um] how this community on social media has evolved and, you know, how it really helps you?

Yeah it’s just you go on there and you just realise there’s so many different kinds of people and, you know, we’re just like neurotypical people we’ve all got different personalities but I think they understand your struggles more than neurotypical people like my mum just did with me, you wouldn’t be able to, you know, sorry I’m trying to like put it in…

I: Don’t worry at all you’re doing very well.

They’re just more understanding, you know, there’s like we do lots of things that might be misunderstood [um] and you don’t get that feeling with other autistic people because they, they just almost know they’re kind of filling in the gaps and you don’t have to keep explaining yourself. Like, you know, it’s totally fine to just get angry or be really direct because we are really direct and a lot of the time people assume that we’re being rude and it’s not at all it’s just the way that it comes across, you know.

I sometimes wish there were like support groups where you could just like sit in a circle with other autistic people and just meet them every week and it’s just set and you can just rely on, you know, somebody being there I think that would help like with the loneliness or you know, if there was like a phone line or something you could phone, like, I don’t know.

I: So let’s talk about what you would, what you want in relationships. Why, what is that connection that you’re seeking?

Just, I think being judged is really difficult for me I don’t like being judged, so…
I: Have you had that a lot in your life?

Yeah, I’ve had that like I’ve had that for being different and I’ve also had that because of my culture. So in my culture you can’t really be different without being judged, people will judge you and think there’s something wrong with you or your parents did something or, you know, there’s all this extra baggage. So I have felt judged my whole life, so…

I: Could you talk to me more about your culture and being judged and if, you know, the, the being autistic afterwards helped people from your culture understand more, how, you know, all those factors how do they come in?

Yeah so in my culture like especially a woman if, if a woman is disabled or has something, anything different about her she almost gets blacklisted so because there’s all these things tied together with like marriage and, you know, everyone wants their daughter to be a doctor and anyone who’s not they’re not considered to be like the right social status and things like that so it’s very there’s a lot of social status involved, and so disability is really like something that changes how you’re seen by people. So I do tell people I’m autistic because I think somebody has to start, you know, somebody has to show them it’s not anything to be scared of and but it has resulted in me kind of being exiled they don’t really, like my family don’t really, you know, they, like I told a family member I’m autistic and she kind of was like ahh right okay and then we had a little bit of an argument and she goes oh you’re just too much and I kind of felt like she wouldn’t have said that if she hadn’t known I was autistic so it almost gets weaponised

So I really liked Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights I remember reading that

I: Could you talk to me about him, sorry I haven’t read that.

So, he was like this, he had like a, it’s one of these really old books and I think in like Victorian times and then he was like a landowner like a sort of what are they called

I: Yeah, yeah so he had…

I don’t know whatever, yeah like so he fell in love with this woman I think it’s Cathy, I think that was her name but then she died. So he was, the character he was very, very sort of, he was like almost like a hermit and he was quite a dark character but he was dark because of that loneliness and I remember I’ve always sort of thought about him, I could relate to him like because it’s like nobody could ever understand him fully, and Cathy she did understand, I think that was her name Cathy and she did understand him but then she passed away.

I really enjoy social media and seeing there are other autistic people which is just like amazing because it just makes me feel like I’m not alone, you know.]

I: Could you tell me a little bit about that community, I’m very interested in hearing about how this community on social media has evolved and, you know, how it really helps you?

Yeah it’s just you go on there and you just realise there’s so many different kinds of people and, you know, we’re just like neurotypical people we’ve all got different personalities but I think they understand your struggles more than neurotypical people like my mum just did with me, you wouldn’t be able to, you know, sorry I’m trying to like put it into…

I: Okay so do you have any messages that you want to say to other people that might be feeling lonely?

I’d just say that they’re not alone, there are other people, although we feel lonely there are other people who feel lonely as well and you can reach out to people and I think social media is a really good way to sort of reach out like I’ve tried it, I’ve said, you know, I’m feeling really alone and then loads loads of people have sort of responded to me and that’s a real positive

I: Is that in specific pages or in just your page or?

Yeah so I used a hashtag yesterday not alone or something and they’ve got like this hashtag like mental health hashtag and then suddenly all these people strangers started responding ‘Oh hi if you need to talk to me send me a DM’ or ‘Don’t worry you’re not alone’ and that really made me feel like okay actually there’s other people out there who are sort of going through the same thing as me, so I suppose, yeah.