Sandra

Sandra says she felt lonely because her father was violent towards her and her mother, and she had to keep it a secret.

At home I was just mainly closing myself in my brothers room because he wasn’t living with us at the time he was at Uni well there was quite a few episodes of self-harming, my dad actually was constantly abusing us mentally and physically coming back home drunk, you know, beating up my mum. It actually became a bit more harder when my brother moved out, you know, because there was like no-one to stand for her. So also when I was trying to stand he would hit me and my dad is also kind of like a suit and tie guy, you know, but outside you wouldn’t even think that he’s making that kind of nightmare and powerful xxxx like I remember once I went to, to my teacher just, just to talk to him, you know, just to like, I just, I just, just. really wanted, I was looking for help as well, you know, in a sense and she called my mum but she wasn’t any kind of like rude or anything, you know, she just wanted to check whether we do really need help. You won’t even believe what kind of like, when my mum came back home how furious she was like how could I give out any, get out of the house and go to the teacher and let them know what is going on that whatever stays at home, stays at home and whatever happens at home happens at home, you know. So I said oh okay so that’s fine that he broke your nose, yeah and that you lost one of the pregnancies because of him because he did beat you up so hard that you lost the baby, yeah and that’s okay, that’s okay.

I: So you had nobody to turn to?

Well basically my grandparents, especially my nanny doesn’t matter what, even if I messed up she was always like standing behind me, always. Well unfortunately well she is the last that I do have left, because grandparents from my dad’s side they didn’t really, they don’t really any kind of like big attention onto us but from my mum’s side yes. But since my grandad passed away my nanny started to go really down with her health both physical and mental, so…

I: So you talked about from adolescent living in a very unstable environment and witnessing the, the abusive relationship between your parents and you being a part of it

Yeah

I: How was that lonely, could you tell me why it was lonely, how it was lonely?

It was probably because basically what was happening especially after that kind of like my conversation with my teacher, you know, I, I was like locked inside of the prison, you know, I couldn’t say a word I couldn’t look for help I literally felt like I’m like decaying inside, you know, like the living dead, you know. You know we are forbidden to talk about this to anyone and it does make you feel lonely, you know, that’s why I actually even, even right now because my dad, well he’s not, he’s not drinking as he used to because he came out with the diabetes and he had two heart attacks but still his character is so bad that when I’m going to [country of origin] I’m, I’m unfortunately I’m not staying a lot with my mum even though that our relationship became much more stronger and better especially since I moved out of, from home and when I moved to UK it changed completely. But I just can’t, I can’t take, I can’t take my dad, you know, because for him, for him every, every little, even little thing is, is such a big problem and everything needs to be like, I don’t know like, even simple tasks is, they are problem for him but problem in that kind of way like the whole street needs to know that something broke down at home and of course he’s blaming my mum yeah that she broke it or this or that and, and my sister is exactly the same, well my sister is actually in the UK but she’s in [city] three years or something like that and, and I just like, my mum was trying to encourage me to go over there, but I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to.

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Sandra says that social media can help people to keep in touch with friends but it can be hard for people to avoid comparing themselves with others.

Well so I would divide social media with this on the one hand it’s really helpful because I can, I can call my mum I can call my nanny with video call, you know, I can do it with you right now. So on one hand this is very useful, very helpful kind of important that we can still stay in touch even though that we are like 2000 kilometres apart. But on the other hand you know, loads of people are, are just like create a happiness around themselves but is not really true. We are, and also we are like comparing ourselves much right now to the other people like oh my God she is so skinny she looks so nice.

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Sandra found group therapy difficult because she is anxious about socialising. She prefers one-to-one sessions.

Okay, so now is it, what really prevents you from seeking company of others in those kinds of groups?

Because I’m kind of like scared, I do have a feeling that everyone will be looking at me because I’m getting shy very quickly and my face goes red and people, that’s something that people will be like they will like commenting on that, you know, talking behind my back. I struggle they see some kind of like, you know, like scenario that, you know, something will go wrong without even knowing whether it will go wrong. And, and the fear of kind of like being hurt again, you know, even though that’s as you are saying why don’t you join some kind of group a simple group, you know, cooking group or something but I’m scared that therefore I’m gonna say xxxx things too private about me to someone xxxxx and trust them and then it’s gonna be like, if I can say so, used against me like the next day I’m gonna find out that this person would say that to this, this, and this person, you know.

Yeah, no that’s a very legit reason.

And as I said I don’t really feel comfortable people being like surrounded by people that I completely don’t know, you know?

Yeah, yeah right. Have you ever sought help from the GP in relation to loneliness?

So basically since 2018 I was, I was doing group sessions with the therapist it was a CBT therapy.

So group therapy with CBT?

Yeah

I’ve never heard of that, was it nice?

No

Okay

Because it was in a group I was ashamed to speak about my problems because again I was scared even though that they say always at the beginning of each meeting that whatever was said over here or any kind of details blah, blah stays only here, I didn’t trust that, I was always scared that some things gonna get out, you know. But now because my scoring went quite low because it was 2018/2019 I found another job it was the pharmacy job and I was, they didn’t allow me to, to go to the meeting again for like I think half way through I’d have to resign and this year I went down the hill like completely and I was doing again CBT, a group one through the Microsoft Teams as well like with you right now, but thank God this lady was doing like follow ups after two weeks and I told her I said look I’m just, I’m just going the wrong way again very quickly and she referred me to one to one sessions, you know, so today I did have the last meeting of one to one session, it was also kind of like a CBT but at least I didn’t have to be kind of scared, you know, that someone else going to listen to my problem and they will judge me and they will talk about it, you know?

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Sandra’s cat brings light into her life.

Well I feel lonely when I do miss home, when I miss my mum, when I miss my nanny when I miss my town and how quiet and peaceful it is over there. Yes then I do feel lonely for, well my cat is helping me also a lot so it’s not like I’m, you know, completely by myself and I must say that definitely, she definitely brought like loads of light into my life.

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