Yeah, there’s a sense of loneliness that people can’t experience the same things that I’m experiencing, and people say to me, if I’m talking to somebody that other people can’t see, it can be quite frustrating when people are saying, “But I can’t see that,” when it’s very real to me. And that makes you feel lonely, because people aren’t experiencing the same world that you’re experiencing.

I’ve been to like social gatherings and I’ve had to take Diazepam beforehand to try and relax me, but I’ve still felt like those people in that room may as well not exist because I feel so alone. And it’s a really hard place to be. You feel like you stick out like a sore thumb, and that people are staring at you because you can’t do that social interaction, you can’t do that small talk for whatever reason, normally down to my mental health.

Yeah, this year has been really difficult, Covid obviously meant that I couldn’t go out, just like other people, but I haven’t got a big group of friends, partly cos of my mental health, partly cos of my physical health, so I was very alone in the house and that’s been a big struggle and it’s had an impact on my mental health and wellbeing. I’ve had to take; I’ve had to start extra medication to try and keep my depression at bay.  When my husband left me I went weeks without seeing people, unless it was a carer coming into the house, where I only saw carers coming into my house many many weeks, where that was the only contact I had with the outside world. And trying to, I get, what I do is I separate the day into fifteen-minute chunks. I can only manage to live in an okay way for fifteen minutes, and then I go to the next 15 minutes, and that’s the extent of my loneliness that I have to divide the day up into such small chunks, cos it’s so hard to manage.

After Covid, the main people since my husband’s left, in my life are carers, and they’re paid obviously through social care, direct payments, to come and help support me, and that makes me feel lonely that I have to, even though I need that support to get dressed and things like that, it makes me feel lonely that I have to pay people to be in my life.

I: Why do you think there is shame in relation to loneliness?

Because it’s like saying that I haven’t, well it’s, it’s true, I haven’t got lots of friends, I’ve got some very close friends, but I feel ashamed that I haven’t got you know, we live in a society of Twitter and Instagram and where people seem to have, and Facebook, where people will have, you know compete almost about how many friends they have. And I haven’t got that friendship levels, or that friendship circle, and I feel ashamed that people don’t want to be my friend. You know what does it say about me as a person? Am I not a very nice person that I haven’t got those friendships?

My GP, he hasn’t, he hasn’t suggested groups or anything like that, however it, he’s acknowledged that I feel lonely, and he, he either sees me every two weeks or he rings me every two weeks. And he also says things like, “If you need to speak to me, before the two weeks just ring up,” “And I’ll speak to you.” And I’m really lucky having a GP like that.

I: Absolutely. It sounds like a, a very good person, like a doctor that views people holistically.

Yeah, yeah, he’s fantastic, he, he is, he’s really really good and he’s really encouraging.

After Covid, the main people since my husband’s left, in my life are carers, and they’re paid obviously through social care, direct payments, to come and help support me, and that makes me feel lonely that I have to, even though I need that support to get dressed and things like that, it makes me feel lonely that I have to pay people to be in my lives, in my life.

I: So, so tell me about the carers.

R: The carers come in at around half eight, nine o’clock on a morning,
They help with getting me showered, get, help me get with getting dressed because of my pelvis, my lower body’s, doesn’t work very well. They’ll tidy up the teatime things, and they’ll, and then at lunch time they come in again and help with making lunch, and making tea, cos I can’t lift heavy things through my pelvis. But they also provide a really valuable resource in that it’s somebody to talk to, because I don’t have my husband and my daughter to talk to and they’re invaluable in that. Often, like today and yesterday, and Monday, and Sunday, and Saturday they were the only people I saw.

I: Tell me about the care workers that come into the house,  have you talked to them about loneliness? And support workers.

Yes I have talked to them that I feel lonely, and they’re been really understanding, really receptive about what can be done, you know can they think of, they’ve encouraged me to like to go out with them. Which I haven’t, I do go out with one of them, I go, weekly shopping, and cos Covid all got shut down again I haven’t gone out with the care workers, but they recognise that I really struggle to get out [um] because of my physical and mental illness. But the care workers, they’re really kind, they, they care we have a laugh, they’re an important part of my life, a valuable part.