Yes, it was at a time when I had lost my identity, it was a loneliness because I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know who to speak to. I wanted to speak to people but I felt as though that I couldn’t. I wanted to. even going for a walk into the town just to do a bit of shopping and I thought is anyone going to recognise me, is anyone going to say to me, ‘Hello, hello Marie? How are you?’ and then nobody does and you, you come home, and you try, try it again another point in time when you can nip out. It is, it’s very alien to not have that communication and I mean for me, personally it, it was because like, whatever I, oh how shall I put it, I was amplified, I bought, bought myself some new clothes, if I tried them on as normal people do, they would ask their close friends or family “How do you think this looks?” Or even asking somebody to put on a necklace for you or asking somebody to assist you with, assist you with your hair, things like that. I couldn’t do that.

This year before lockdown I did go away on my own to stay in a hotel room on my own [um] which is very daunting, very unusual.

I: How did you feel during that time?

Lonely. Lonely because you’re, you know, looking at, at the time thinking, ‘Oh what shall I do now? Shall I watch a programme? Shall I go to the bar? Should I have something to eat? Shall I have a shower?’ I’m not sharing the time with anybody, just myself but it was nice to have, have a room which was, which was made up nice. It was nice to I guess breathe a sigh, a sigh of freedom I would say. But I think I went away for a couple of nights, so it did get, get better the next day but then you’re thinking to yourself, ‘Is this normal?’ I don’t know, I’ve no idea.

I: Have you ever gone to the GP for your for loneliness?

Oh yes, that has been a failure.

I: Talk to me about that please.

I think was it last year or the year before, I think I had another breakdown. I had gone into there for an appointment about my physical health and I explained to the doctor at the time that I was, because I was crying at the time and I explained to the GP that I was just in the middle of a nervous breakdown and excuse my tears which obviously he did, because he didn’t offer me any information or anything, nothing. I did, I did report it to the appropriate people because in my eyes I needed help, but I didn’t get any.

I: So, you said, “excuse my tears,” and he did.

Yes.

I: He said, “okay let’s move on.”

He didn’t sit me down, ask me why I was crying, he didn’t ask me about my caring role. He didn’t ask me if I needed any support? He didn’t ask me if I needed to speak to anybody. He didn’t ask me nothing.

I: It must have been devastating.

Yeah, yeah. I mean I’ve come to the point now where you have to be reliant on yourself because again that’s the only person who I can rely on because nobody can possibly understand my life and what I have to go through and yeah, GP just moved on with his consultation and that, that was it.

I: He didn’t refer you, he didn’t make any suggestions, nothing.

Nothing, nothing. [um] I had I came out of the appointment, I mean I had recovered then but I did ask the receptionist, I said, “Can you double check to make sure that I am still identified as a carer on, on the register please?” and she said, “Yes, you are,” and I just thought, ‘Well…’

No, no because it was, I think the loneliness it just consumed me. It had taken over, it had taken over and but I can and I can see it was so many different factors combined into one which then did build up the loneliness because you’re, you’re in a world which is completely alien. You’re trying to run a household. You’re trying to just do things normal. I guess watching television was, was it really and films because there’s no, the thing is when you’re in this life, nobody understands it, nobody at all. It wasn’t until I probably joined a support group, probably years later where the battles that I had to cope with were, were normal because other people had, had been through it and I just thought, ‘Well, I belong here.’

No, no because it was, I think the loneliness it just consumed me. It had taken over, it had taken over and but I can and I can see it was so many different factors combined into one which then did build up the loneliness because you’re, you’re in a world which is completely alien. You’re trying to run a household. You’re trying to just do things normal. I guess watching television was, was it really and films because there’s no, the thing is when you’re in this life, nobody understands it, nobody at all. It wasn’t until I probably joined a support group, probably years later where the battles that I had to cope with were, were normal because other people had, had been through it and I just thought, ‘Well, I belong here.’