But lots of our helplines as unpaid carers has been cut through the decade of austerity so, you know, you can try in vain when you need help but there’s really nothing there or the organisations have, have limited their, you know, helpline to outside of 24/7. So the mental health team are not there and xxxxxxxxxxx that there was at one stage, you know, about I think probably during the last Labour Government when there was a lot more stuff, it was still xxxx and struggling as a carer not feel on your own and you had to look for everything but if you looked there was something out there but now you can look and you won’t find anything basically, so it can be really lonely.

So really it wasn’t practical for me ever to go back but sometimes I’d think, you know, maybe I made a mistake when I’m being sort of selfish, maybe a made a mistake and I should have just… kept my career because they certainly don’t look after carers, they’re on their own.

I: They are, aren’t they the carers?

Mmmm and they get a pittance and outrageously over the years we’ve been in this council house and I’ve had the DWP phoning me up and saying can you tell me why you’re not at work and if you can’t tell me, you know, then this is going to happen

I: Sorry who is that?

The Department of Work and Pension

I: Yeah, yeah

xxxx are representatives of the Department of Work and Pension saying what we used to do at first was much, much nicer and more dignified, they used to say, are your circumstances as an unpaid carer still the same and I would say yes, I’m afraid they are, fine, thank you. But now it’s completely aggressive, confrontational, threatening letters, you know, explain why you’re not at work, I mean I’m retired now anyway, past retirement age so they’re not doing that to me anymore but they were doing it to me and I objected very strongly and I told them, they said do you know how much unpaid carers save the state and you’re accusing me of only wanting, having to explain how I’m not at work when I’m looking after somebody.

I:  Now what about social care, do you receive any support from social care or other services for, for loneliness so, you know, like cooking classes, walking groups, have you ever?

Oh no, no, no I mean [County] a lovely place for scenery [um] but it’s got nothing in the way of services

I: Yeah so yes, so it’s, it’s the location isn’t it it’s very rural

Location is, is yeah it’s important, I always [um] think how nice it would be when, I’ve been in [Country] before and I’ve seen this trams going through and picking up workers and going, like a central spine to an area where they pick up people and I think oh I wish we could have a central spine through [County] where you could hop on a tram, you know, and then just get off somewhere, well that’s my fanciful ideas.

But the transport’s appalling, it’s expensive [um] it’s just, I know the budgets here have never been given properly so we’re always short of money down here anyway.

I: What are your thoughts on this, do you think it’s true, do you think it’s just for specific people?

I would imagine it can be for elderly people when I’ve done sort of political campaigning from door to door the ones that want to talk are elderly people and you can see that they’re, they don’t see anybody or speak to anybody and it’s heart-breaking really. And particularly here, and I used to have [um] another lady I used to do [um] what they call BBC buddy things which was like showing people how to use a computer and things, you know, that don’t know.

I: Yeah

And I had a lady who, I don’t know whether she’s autistic but she’s elderly and she used to beg, she used to say xxx can you not get the community centre, can you not get something going and [city] is actually the biggest place in [County] and to my knowledge it’s still not got anything like that, there’s nothing for elderly people to go on, and sit and have [um]. The Methodist Church here does and they do an absolute marvellous thing of giving people reasonable cheap food and coffee but it’s tiny, you know, its’s just got a few tables in and, and there’s a desperate need for places for elderly people to, to meet up and go. I think that would be a huge improvement for them if they knew they could get on the bus and go down to the town and go into a place where they’re gonna bump into their friends again and be able to afford a meal there.

R: Yeah. Yeah, because obviously when I was a child I used to think it was my own fault, I’d done something wrong to be this lonely because I was gay and that sort of thing, so when those feelings started to come back when I was older, I found it really tough to spend any time by myself. Because I thought I’d done something wrong, and it’s only by going through therapy that I realised that that’s just my childhood feelings coming back and I’ve got to stop, stop those voices, stop fighting with myself all the time. And now I do quite enjoy my own company, to the point of I was talking to a friend about this the other night and I said to her, “I moan about being lonely, but then if somebody comes and spends time with me I can’t wait for them to leave.” [laughing] Because I’ve got so used to my own company that… So I was dating a guy for a while a couple of months ago, and we used to always have a routine where we’d meet up on a Friday night and then he’d spend a Friday night with me, and Saturday, and Saturday night, and then he’d be here on Sunday. And by Sunday evening I’d just be like “oh my god, I just need…”

I: “Bye!”

R: And I think that’s because I’m just so used to my own space now, so used to my own company, you know? And it’s got to the stage now where I’ve not lived with somebody for about 8, 9 years, and I think I would really struggle if I had to live with somebody now. I think I’d really struggle, really struggle with that.

I: Okay, so you talked about Facebook and social media, how, how do you think it fits in in the equation of loneliness really [um] you talked about how you get in contact with that, other carers, could you talk, talk to me about that a little bit?

Yeah I think it’s, it’s a brilliant help, you know, and I see, I see them all rally round and support any carer that’s of similar to the way I describe how I feel when I feel there’s nobody to talk to and they actually say this stuff online and we hopefully create a sort of safe space for them to feel that it’s alright to say these things, you know, there’s some limitations, you know, because other people get upset if you start swearing and things like that

I: Yeah

But within reason they know that they’re free to say things that another person who’s never done caring would not understand. So, then all these other carers come round and they say it’s alright we’ve experienced the same you’ll be alright, you know, and they send these little virtual hugs and things

I: Yeah

And it really works well for them, it really works well

I: Yeah

And I think it’s, it is you know, people run social media down but they don’t really talk about the positives that come out of it.