Jennie

Jennie is a 33-year old woman working as a primary school teacher.

Jennie discussed loneliness in relation to the transition from University back to her parents’ house. During her vibrant and eventful student life she was constantly surrounded by her peers but after finishing University her routine changed and social interactions greatly reduced. During this time she developed a severe eating disorder. Her fixation with her weight hid her loneliness while also socially isolating her due to the stigma attached to that specific condition. It created a cycle that was hard to break.

Jennie says she feels most lonely at weekends, during holiday seasons and when other people are busy leaving her alone without any distractions.

Jennie feels a sense of shame about being lonely. She worries that being lonely is down to her personal failings and lack of social skills. Her concern that lacks the social skills needed to make friends stops her from reaching out to people. She doesn’t think that genuine friendships can develop from people met through support groups because the setting is too artificial.

For Jennie loneliness is lacking companionship and intimate relationships with people who provide support and help in times of need.

Jennie feels disconnected from her former university friends. This makes her loneliness feel worse.

Like we all met up together again, and like I felt so out of place, because they had obviously been achieving things. Like doing master’s degrees, like, like progressing in their career… And then they asked me what I’d been doing, and it was just like, ‘Oh, actually nothing’.

Yeah. I think it does. Like to me, that means you can be around people and still feel lonely, because you’re just… I don’t know. Like I’ve definitely felt that feeling, where I’ve been with people and felt lonelier than when I was on my own. I don’t really know why. I guess, if you can’t relate to people, or like you don’t really feel a part of their group, then it can definitely feel lonelier to be around people.

Could you give me an example of that? Last time that happened, and how it felt?

So, I can just think about an example that I’ve told you. Like when I met up with my uni friends, I felt so out of… Like just so distanced from what they were up to in their lives, that I just felt lonelier, because I just felt so separate from them. So, then that’s when I like.. We just didn’t see each other again, I think because I just felt lonelier with them.

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Jennie had an eating disorder. She didn’t realise she was lonely because she was focused on her weight.

I guess, when you’re feeling like lonely and you’re feeling rubbish, like I kind of used it as a comfort. And like losing weight and like fixating on food and numbers just like became like my day, and I didn’t really notice so much that I was lonely, because I was so fixated on that, that nothing else really mattered. I feel like it just kind of yeah, kind of kept my brain occupied, so I didn’t really realise.

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Although Jennie does not like being on her own, loneliness has become her comfort zone which she is hesitant to expand.

I don’t know really, like I’ve had. I think it makes me more like resistant to… Like, this week, I had someone from work… He asked if I wanted to go for a walk. And I kind of because I don’t see him outside of work, it just made me feel like worried to like see him outside of work, so I declined the invitation. So, I think I’m so used to being like at home by myself, that it, I don’t really want to step out of my comfort zone as much. So, even when there’s like potential to make some friends or like not be lonely, like I still find it hard to do, even though it’s what I want. But I still find it difficult, because it’s something different.

So, that is something that you think is a trait of being autistic?

Possibly. Like even though I’m not…Even though I’d prefer not to be on my own, it’s easier, because it’s just what I’m used to. So, I kind of don’t want to do anything that’s outside of what I normally do. It’s hard.

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Jennie doesn’t want to contact a GP about any issues except physical health.

So, have you ever sought help from the GP in relation to loneliness?

No, because my GP is not the greatest. I feel like they would probably not care. They have bigger issues to deal with. They probably wouldn’t really care.

Would you generalise that to the GPs, or would you just pinpoint the one that’s your GP?

No. I think there are probably a few good GPs that would listen, but I think, mostly, they would just send you away with a leaflet or like a website to look at, and probably wouldn’t care.

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Jennie questions whether genuine friendships can be made at loneliness groups.

What about… Have you ever tried any support groups specifically for loneliness?

No. I don’t, I don’t even know if they exist.

Would it be something that you would be interested in?

Oh, actually, I have seen something on Facebook before, in the past. It was a group set up in my local area for people that just wanted to like make some friends in the area. So, actually, I have seen something like that. And like I was interested but, again, I don’t know it feels like you’re going and you’re forcing a friendship. It doesn’t seem very natural to like go to a group to try and make a friend. So, it’s like, I just question like, is it going to be a genuine friendship, or is it just because you’re both… I don’t know. I feel like it’s hard to meet people that actually have the same… that are kind of like you and like have the same interests as you. So, I don’t know.

Because, to me, the idea of a support group is just… I would find it so awkward, that I’m not sure it would be very supportive. I think I would hate it. But maybe some people would benefit from it. Like, just having people to meet up with, like there’s no pressure. Like, you don’t have to meet your lifelong best friend at this group. Just maybe it gives you some like company for a couple of hours, and just like brings you out of your own head for a few hours. It might help.

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Jennie feels most lonely at weekends.

So, it’s not really during weekdays, because, if I’ve gone to work, then I’ve, I’ve seen people at work. I’ve been quite sociable at work. It’s It’s weekends, when everyone’s off doing things with like their family, or with their partner, or with their friends. And then I feel like I’m expected to have great plans for the weekend, when really, it’s just like me on my own, pottering around. And I think it’s then, when people are telling me about their weekend plans, or they’ve told me what they’ve got up to. And then they ask me, and I’m just like, erm…

Okay. How does that make you feel?

Like, really, I feel really like embarrassed. I sometimes like make things up that I’ve done, so that I don’t look like a complete loner.

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