Jane

Jane left her abusive relationship of twenty years three years ago after her eldest daughter reported to her school that she had witnessed abuse towards her mother. The support offered to Jane from different agencies (including Social Services, the Police, her children’s school and a local Domestic Violence and Abuse Agency) helped her to leave the relationship and to move on.

Jane met her partner in when she was in her early 20s. The psychological abuse started early on in the relationship and infiltrated many aspects of her life. For instance, her partner imposed restrictions on her clothing, controlled who she spoke to, and would time her when she left the house for essential errands (such as fetching groceries). Despite Jane working long hours in their joint business her partner had full control over their finances and any requests for money were scrutinised. Jane also experienced years of physical abuse: punches to the chest and smacks around the face. Although recognising that things were not right in the relationship, it was painful for Jane to accept that someone who was supposed to love her, was abusing her. She recalls rationalising his behaviour and hoping that things would get better. She hid what was going on from people in her social network as she did not want to worry them. Living with a health condition exacerbated by stress, meant Jane experienced considerable pain during this period and became reliant on regular painkillers.

In 2011 Jane’s husband brutally assaulted her in front of the children. Later that day her eldest daughter reported the incident to her school and this triggered the immediate involvement of the police and Social Services. These agencies supported Jane to leave her partner that evening, and she and the children moved into a friend’s home for a while before going into a women’s refuge for three months before moving into their own home.

After the day of the attack Jane continued to receive multi-agency support whilst adapting to life out of the abusive relationship. The police put in place measures to help her feel safe, allocating her a police domestic abuse worker and checking the security of her new home. The local specialist domestic abuse service helped with the practicalities of moving on, such as helping her to claim benefits, and also provided emotional support through counselling. Her daughters schools also offered emotional and practical support.

Three years after leaving her ex, Jane is now witnessing long-term health effects of the abuse on her eldest daughter, who is suffering from an eating disorder. For Jane, the regular use of long-term pain relief has led to a dependency on tablets to sometimes help her to ‘get through the day’, despite experiencing a bad stomach’ as a result of their long-term use.

However, Jane now feels that she ‘has her life back’. She enjoys going out when and where she wants to and is free from the feelings of inadequacy and low confidence that she felt for so long as a result of the abuse she endured. She suggests that women living in an abusive relationship need to be strong’ and that once they have made the decision to leave then that will be the start of their future.

Jane said doctors must have the courage to ask questions and offer information which a woman can use when she is ready.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane described being able to go out with her friends and not being made to feel guilty for not having prepared the tea or done the washing.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

When Jane’s daughter talked to the school counsellor, the school contacted a range of professional services, so Jane felt safe, supported and ready to leave her husband.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane’s husband listened to her phone calls so she could not be open to her family about her home life.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane thought the CAMHS staff should have seen through her younger daughter’s outward appearance of being happy and smiling’, and offered her some support.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

The school gave Jane’s daughter constant reassurance, and after leaving their Dad she was offered one-to-one sessions to recover from the trauma.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane’s social workers said that with support from all the agencies, her ex should never have to bother her again. She felt safer than she had done for a long time.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane could not stop crying with relief when she was finally able to say what was going on.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane’s daughter told her school counsellor about the abuse at home, which led to her, her mum and sister getting help to leave the relationship.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane said she had needed a crutch, just to get [her] through the day’ that led her to drink alcohol and take prescribed medication in excess.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane was manipulated by her partner to believe that she deserved’ to be hit.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

When Jane’s partner began to hit her and put it down to stress, she convinced herself she was being silly’ and paranoid’ when she began to feel their relationship wasn’t right.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane was reluctant to recognise her partner’s behaviour as abuse’ and decided to accept her situation rather than disrupt her own life and that of her children.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane described how her fibromyalgia was made worse because of the stress of being in an abusive relationship and consequent over-reliance on painkillers.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane’s husband occasionally took her shopping with cash in hand if she’d been good.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane saw the effects of her abusive marriage on her children once she was out of it. She regretted that their childhood was a battleground’ not a place of nurturing.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female

Jane blamed herself when she did a silly thing’ that annoyed her husband and he slapped her. At the time, she felt she had deserved’ it.

Age at interview 46

Gender Female