I think another way in which loneliness factors into my life, um, and very much like still to this day, is I realised I was gay when I was like 12ish. But I think I was like the first kid in my school… no, not my school, in my year group… to come out. And I didn’t really grow up around a lot of gay people and I think that kind of like made me feel very lonely. Kind of like not having the… like seeing all these other people like get boyfriends and kind of like have romance in their lives and I am very much in absence of that. And it made me feel very lonely. And also, kind of like recently, realised I was non-binary, and I think loneliness kind of taps on the same nerve because I don’t really know any other non-binary people. And I think that’s just kind of like difficult because you feel very much alone and you’re very much aware that the experiences you’re having and the feelings you’re having aren’t the same as the people around you. And as much as they try and are as supportive as they can be, I don’t think that they will ever be able to fully understand. And you know, you kind of feel like if you’re trying to communicate something to them about like, something difficult about being like gay or non-binary, they can try to understand but they won’t fully know, and I think that is a form of loneliness as well.

And that was quite a happy revelation but then I think since that kind of like initial self-discovery, it’s become more difficult because, you know, even though it’s come a long way and discourse around gender has come a long way, it’s still not very talked about. And there’s no guidebook on how to be non-binary. And especially in a society where gender is seen on such a binary level and there’s kind of femininity and masculinity and you are somewhere in the middle. And you don’t feel like a boy, but you don’t feel like a girl. And there’s not much guidance on how to feel when you don’t feel like either of those things and you just kind of feel this absence, I guess. And I mean that in itself is quite a confusing and lonely feeling. Um, of this kind of feeling like you’re lacking something. Um, and I think that’s definitely amplified by not knowing any other non-binary people. Um, because there’s no one you can look at and be like, you are like me. You feel the same things as I do.

I think another way in which loneliness factors into my life, um, and very much like still to this day, is I realised I was gay when I was like 12ish. But I think I was like the first kid in my school… no, not my school, in my year group… to come out. And I didn’t really grow up around a lot of gay people and I think that kind of like made me feel very lonely. Kind of like not having the… like seeing all these other people like get boyfriends and kind of like have romance in their lives and I am very much in absence of that. And it made me feel very lonely. And also, kind of like recently, realised I was non-binary, and I think loneliness kind of taps on the same nerve because I don’t really know any other non-binary people. And I think that’s just kind of like difficult because you feel very much alone and you’re very much aware that the experiences you’re having and the feelings you’re having aren’t the same as the people around you. And as much as they try and are as supportive as they can be, I don’t think that they will ever be able to fully understand. And you know, you kind of feel like if you’re trying to communicate something to them about like, something difficult about being like gay or non-binary, they can try to understand but they won’t fully know, and I think that is a form of loneliness as well.

And also, kind of like recently, realised I was non-binary, and I think loneliness kind of taps on the same nerve because I don’t really know any other non-binary people. And I think that’s just kind of like difficult because you feel very much alone and you’re very much aware that the experiences you’re having and the feelings you’re having aren’t the same as the people around you. And as much as they try and are as supportive as they can be, I don’t think that they will ever be able to fully understand. And you know, you kind of feel like if you’re trying to communicate something to them about like, something difficult about being like gay or non-binary, they can try to understand but they won’t fully know, and I think that is a form of loneliness as well.

I think it’s very similar to other kinds of loneliness. I remember one of the worst moments of my life was when I was at… I think it was a New Year’s Eve party and I was stood in a room packed with people in someone’s living room, packed with people. All dancing and talking together and I stood there, and I realised nobody cared if I was there or not. Nobody would notice if I walked out of that house and went home. Nobody really wanted me there and that was one of the worst feelings of my whole entire life. And I feel like it’s almost exactly the same as if I was home.

I: So, nobody wanted you there or did nobody care whether you were there or not?

I guess I see them as the same thing.I guess it’s kind of ironic because obviously I was invited to this party by someone. But I wasn’t… I didn’t really speak to anyone else who went to that party. I didn’t really… I kind of knew them because they were in the same school, but I wasn’t really friends with any of them and I guess maybe more so, I don’t think that they cared if I was there or not. I don’t think that anyone, you know, in that room would have looked at me and gone, I wish they weren’t here. Um, but I think it’s more so that they didn’t see me there. Um, I… yeah, they didn’t care, I guess.

I think it’s… I think I still feel loneliness more intensely than a lot of people do and certainly than people who don’t have borderline personality disorder do. And I think that that aspect of me, kind of keeps loneliness around. Obviously I’m hoping that will go away with treatment but I think that that kind of keeps a certain level of consistency with my loneliness just because it is a mental illness that I’m dealing with.

I think my… the periods in which I am most lonely, by no coincidence, are also periods where I am the most depressed. I feel very empty. I think that’s probably the best way I could put it. I feel empty like there is just nothing in me. Like there’s just a void within me. I feel very vulnerable. I think I feel quite child-like as well. I feel like just like a toddler who just wants to be held. Um, it’s a very… it’s a very dark feeling.

But a way to fight loneliness or I combat loneliness is to connect with other people, that’s probably one of the best ways. And I guess even if it’s a stranger online, you know, there’s a lot of platforms these days that kind of enable you to connect to people, um, in a lot of different ways.

I: So, that was really my next question about social media and loneliness. What’s the relationship there based on your experience and…?

It’s been harmful, and it’s been helpful and sometimes simultaneously. I think that, ah, Tumblr, which is a kind of social media, um, is kind of one of the most significant ones, when talking about this because it’s a place where a lot of people, um, and certainly back in like 2013-14 kind of time. So, a lot of people who are mentally unwell or social outcasts or feel like they don’t belong or have kind of like non-mainstream interests go to talk about their problems. To share photos and quotes and things, about their lives and it’s a place that when I was kind of 13, 14, I very much found a home in because I saw all these things that I was also feeling, you know. But that was also very, very toxic because it exposed me to a lot of content about depression and mental illness and eating disorders and self-harm that it’s very unhealthy to be that exposed to that kind of content at 13-years-old. But it was also a place that I found out what it meant to be gay in a healthy way. Like, I don’t… there are people who are gay on Tumblr who celebrated it. There are people with the same interests as you. And so, I feel platforms like that, whilst they can be harmful, they can be places where you can find people like you. Um, but on the other side of social media, um, you have like Snapchat and Instagram where people post, you know, highlight reels of their lives. Um, and I think when you’re very vulnerable to loneliness, that can be extremely, extremely dangerous and harmful because you’ll be sitting there alone in your room bombarded with constant images of people with their friends, people smiling, people at parties. Um, and because that’s all you’re seeing, but it’s not what you are doing or the life you are living, you feel like there’s something wrong with you. You’re like, well aren’t I doing that? Why is that not my life? When that’s what everyone else is doing and they look so happy doing it. And so, I think it can definitely intensify loneliness, um, to a very like severe extent.

I: So, for you, what has it done?

I think both. I think throughout school, um, I… there were times when looking at Snapchat made me feel sick and it made me feel incredibly, incredibly depressed because all I saw was people hanging out with friends and I didn’t have any friends and it made me feel so dreadful about myself. Um, and even as simple as, I had no notifications. Um, I just felt so alone because of social media. But I’ve also made friendships through social media and I guess, even in kind of the flipside to having no notifications, sometimes you’ll like tweet something or you’ll put a picture on Instagram, and you get loads of likes or people like interact with your tweet and it makes you feel so good about yourself. Um, and like so validated and I don’t love that. I’m not like glad that I can use social media to feel validated because I think it’s unhealthy. I think… I have a lot of conflicting feelings about it. Um, because also I have best friend who lives in America and so we communicate almost exclusively through Snapchat and she is one of the most important people in my life and I couldn’t imagine going a day without speaking to her and without social media I wouldn’t have that. And I think yeah, it’s… you have to learn how to be able to use social media healthily or else it can be very, very destructive, which is something I have experienced.

I would like to say that, first of all, if you’re feeling lonely, you’re not going to feel that way forever. That there are people in the world who are exactly like you and you probably just haven’t found them yet. And that I know it can be extremely, extremely tiring to have to search for those people, but it will be worth it, and you will find a place that you feel at home in and that you feel like you belong.