So finally, is there one piece of advice that you would give to another woman who was in an abusive relationship?

Not to give up. And I know sometimes it’s hard. I used to just kind of, I’ve got a vivid imagination so I used to just disappear in my head and just think of, this will, I’m just going to get through this, and it was hard I just, some days I wanted to throw myself under the bus.

Yes.

Because I was so, I was so help, I felt so helpless.

Yes.

So I would just kind of go through that emotion and then a few days after an incident, I would just kind of pick myself up and I just I always have hope.

Yes.

Live in hope because that’s what, can because if I gave up, I used to think of well what, you know, if, if I give up, if I kill myself or if I kill him, which the thoughts I had.

Yeah, sure.

Then my children wouldn’t have their mum either way.

Right, yeah. Sure.

So.

What would you like to say to health professionals, if you had the chance?

Yeah, yeah, I actually, I actually work in a children’s centre. We have like health visitors, midwives

Right.

come and we have a lot of families and

Right.

when I’m not going to kind of say names or nothing.

No, of course, yeah.

And we had a case of a young mum, pregnant mum being in an abusive relationship, and she left and I kind of put her into contact with the notice board with someone.

Is there someone on the staff of where you work or

This was a mum that come to see a midwife and so I gave her the number and the midwives were talking next week, week after, Oh she didn’t ring them, and I just said, You need to, you need to let her decide for herself.

Right.

Obviously there’s an issue of, you know, safeguarding and if they need to contact

Yeah, yeah.

social services, there is that. But I said, I did say to them, You, with women, it’s really important not to pressure

Right.

It’s, they need to be kept safe and if there’s immediate danger, which I get is the pressure of if you don’t leave, I think all women have that, which I had that thought, social services will come and take your child away. It’s very scary, just all of a sudden people [pause], you know, jumping on, on, on her case and like, Oh you have to, you have to ring them or X, Y and Z will happen. So I think that’s my main just kind of being considerate of that and just a woman, a woman will kind of hopefully have that, you know, point and just say, do you know what, enough, in herself.

When she’s ready.

When she’s ready, yeah.

So we were in the bedroom and he just started dragging me. He dragged me by my hair on the floor and just started punching and kicking me.

This is when you were

Yeah.

pregnant? Goodness. And what happened next?

I just sorry [begins to cry].

No, that’s there’s some tissues there actually [name of participant], but don’t worry if you feel you’ve said all you want to say about that incident.

No, it’s, sorry, it’s just, it just always so I just, I just curled up in a ball, just to kind of, I didn’t like to sound. But, just to kind of curl up my

Sure.

I think

Yeah, of course, you were pregnant. Yeah.

and then he just continued doing that. I don’t, it wasn’t a long time but it was, you know, long enough. And I think I felt dizzy and I just was lying on the bed when he calm, he’s calmed himself down and sat on the bed. And I remember his mum, mum being downstairs. It was a Sunday and she had this big bunch of keys, and she heard what was happening [tearful], and she just left the house to kind of leave him to it.

But

So you think she knew what was happening?

Oh yeah. Definitely.

But how did that leave you feeling, that she walked out of the house?

It was just to – an indication was just what was going to follow and

Right.

as in never getting any support from her, never getting recognition of his behaviour or her saying, Yeah, he is abusive to you.

Did you try talking about what was really happening to anybody in your family or anybody else?

No, because I’m, something happened when my mum was there, and again, I don’t think my mum knew how to help me, so she kind of froze. He would just be angry, just getting angry, just giving me the looks and the, he wouldn’t shout as much.

Right.

He, he used to come in my face

Right.

and like spit would be coming out and then his nostrils will flare up, and bang stuff. And just, just be very, very vocal, but he didn’t do it as much, but just a, just he was very quiet in those times when my mum was there.

Right.

And then I remember taking my mum to the airport and he sat in the car and I, and I was there with them for a little bit when they, just before they went through the gate and I just said to my mum, she didn’t say nothing but I said it, I just said, I’ll get through this, I’ll be alright. I’ll come out the other end. I prom and I said, I promise you, and she’s just hugged me.

Mhm. Mhm. And so you think she understood?

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, she did. She just, I think she just didn’t know how to cope.

Sure.

I think she felt helpless because I was in another country

Yes, yes.

and, with the baby, with no family

Course.

and no money of my own, nowhere to go but to be with him so.

Anyway, he, my ex-husband , because he was paying the bill, the phone bill, he just went through the messages and he just, obviously he rang, I think he rang everyone I was ringing and rang his friend’s number, and that’s when it gone terribly wrong. He just rang me one Friday and said, I’m, I’m coming to kill you. You’ve been sleeping with the friend.

His friend, yeah.

And I tried to explain. I said, No, I haven’t. I said, I swore, I said, I swear I haven’t. He just wasn’t having it. He got, he got really, he got really, he drank a lot and he took drugs that night and I tried to go to bed. I was, I was very stressed and very afraid.

Yes.

Knowing, knowing him and his

Yes.

jealous ways and, so he, he’s showed up at three o’ clock in the morning, woke the children up, and started just shouting and, Tell me, tell me you slept with him. Tell me. And then it just continued for like an hour, da-da-da, the shouting and the name-calling. And at that point, like the children were screaming. And then he left. He said he’s going to kill him, and then I didn’t sleep, it was like five o’clock in the morning. I rang [support worker] and then [support worker] said, Right, enough. I think it was Saturday, anyway, I went to my friend’s house, and then he rang me and then I heard his brother call me names as well. He called me a cunt and just horrible things on the phone, and he said again, Where are you? Where are I think at that point he took more drugs and he just said, Oh, I’m going to you just watch, I’m going to Yeah, he’s just said again, I’m going to come and kill you. and then like the police were searching for him. Sorry.

It’s alright.

So he got, he had to hand himself in because they couldn’t search, they couldn’t find him, so they no, he, the policeman come and, and said, I’ll ring him, and then he said, Mr blah, blah, blah, can you come

Yes.

Can you hand yourself in or we’ll put a warrant out.

Right.

And then I had court and all the, just having injunction done. Oh sorry

Yeah.

After that, he broke the orders and then just I think it was June, [support worker] said, and I said, and [support worker] said, Right enough now.

There was a big issue with me of my immigration status.

Oh goodness. Yes.

So I only had the spouse visa.

Right.

I didn’t have my indefinite leave to remain.

Right.

So I actually did, yeah, I, oh yes. He did hit me when I was pregnant with my son. I rang the police and then why did I, oh I left the house, I left the house with my daughter in the buggy and I sat nearby on the common, on the green and I rang the helpline [sniffs] and I just been told then of, you know, they obviously have to ask, What’s your immigration status? Have you got indefinite leave to remain? Have you got

Yeah, yeah.

access to public funds, which I didn’t.

No.

So she just, she just kind of it was a bit, it’s a bit tricky, can I just say this?

Sure.

It’s a bit tricky with this, the helpline. I know obviously refuges can’t work, you know, the ladies can’t work 24/7 but it’s, after a certain time, it’s very, it’s like office is shut kind of thing.

Right.

Which I found, you know, so

So is that with the helpline as well? Are they

Yeah, yes.

They actually, it isn’t 24 hours?

It is 24 hours but it’s like oh, you know if it’s like urgent-urgent

Yes.

which I was, I got hit and I was pregnant and I had the baby in the buggy.

Yes, yes.

Put aside my immigration status, it was, Oh well, you know, you’re going to have to wait.

And what did you want to do at that point?

Oh, leave, leave.

You wanted to leave, yeah.

I wanted to leave, but then the lady said, Unfortunately we can’t, you know, we can’t house you because

Oh, right.

of the

The funding, yeah.

of the funding, so I just went back and then I did call the police.

Right.

I can’t remember exactly how it happened but the police attended so I was telling them what happened and again, and the way, sorry, because things are coming to me.

So perhaps you can just tell me about when you did actually go, how you got away.

Okay. So after like five years of being married I kind of, I’ve learnt to, I’ve learnt how to cope.

Right.

You know, I just kind of thought this is it for now but I used to like promise myself

Yes.

you know, I will get away.

Right.

And I, as I said to you, it was a waiting game for me.

Yes.

And then, when was it, 2011 I think. Trying, yeah 2011 I sent off for my permanent residency, but I needed his passport, his payslips. There was a lot of things that need to be sent for this.

Yes.

And he used to say, Oh, you’re going to leave me when you get this, and I used to go, No, you know, Don’t be silly, no. No, no, no. Well I need this because it’s just easier. So sent off for that and the, my passport after, I don’t know, a few months it come, it came back when he was at work, and it was like his passport, his passport got returned and then there was my passport with permanent, with the residency card

So he did eventually let you have the details?

Yeah, yes, he did, he did because I’m not sure what I said, because I said, Well, it’s just a bit easier because I don’t need to renew my visa and you know, I won’t be

Yes, okay. So you got your residency?

Yeah, so I got my golden ticket and I just kept that. I didn’t tell him for two weeks. Yeah, I had that, I was like yep, excellent.

And then I remember one incident, yeah, it was just a couple of months after I gave [gasps], oh in the hospital, oh God, yeah. When so it’s coming to me, yeah.

When you were giving birth?

When I was giving birth, he was actually really good before and then during the, during labour, and then after, it was really weird. I was, they come to visit me, his mum come and his sister and he was there and the baby was next to me, and the way he was speaking to me was you know, it was just, he was basically being rude to me so much that one of the breastfeeding advisors pulled me to the side and she said, Oh sorry, can I just talk to you about breastfeeding equipment?

Yes.

And I said, Okay. Okay, whatever. so, and she said, she said to me, You know this man is abusing you, he’s abusive, you know you can get help and you can ring the helpline.

Really?

Yeah, so she recognised and she’s seen the look he would give me and the tone he was giving him, she recognised it straightaway.

Really?

And I, obviously, at that point, I was petrify.., you know, I was like, No, no, no. He’s just Oh, just making excuses. Oh no, he’s tired or oh no he’s stressed.

Well what things was he saying to you that made her

I can’t remember but he was giving me the looks and he was just like, everything I was doing, if I packed the bag, he would get angry over absolutely everything. He would just look at me and I’d get scared. It was the look.

And she was an angel.

Oh.

She met up with me in the local children’s centre. And I remember asking, I remember just crying and telling her and she was just shaking her head. Obviously my memory was a little bit, obviously I knew more, I can’t remember everything. I can remember things but it’s more fresh. And, and I just said, Can you just, can you just please tell me, just please tell me, am I being abused? And she said, Yes. Like of course, not in a good way said, 100 per cent, you are, and you know, so it was just kind of direct admission.

So you still had a bit of doubt?

Oh yeah, yeah. Deep down, I knew, but they always, they, he always made me question myself.

Yes. Yeah.

So yeah, you kind of always need to, you need someone to just

Yes.

reconfirm things to you because you do

I went straight into the refuge.

Right, okay. Yeah. And how long were you there for?

I was there for less than a year, just under a year I think.

Right. Okay, and then you’ve got your own place after?

Yeah, yes, it was, it was a journey.

I’m sure.

You know, it was, it wasn’t easy because the children didn’t know, and at that point, they still had contact with their dad

Right.

and they had a lot of contact with their dad. They had like half the time with him.

Right.

We actually didn’t live in the main house, we lived in one of the flats.

Yes.

So we had a bedroom, had one bedroom with all our stuff. So I guess for me, it was a haven.

Yes.

I remember saying to [name], I feel, I feel free.

Yes.

Obviously it wasn’t the end, you know.

No.

But I said, I feel free. Unfortunately, my children didn’t feel the same.

No. Mm.

They found it, they found it hard and that reflected on the stuff he was telling them when they would go and see him reflected in their behaviour, which is still ongoing, unfortunately the issue.

So what happened next?

Yeah, so I got at that point, I was [pause] sorry, it’s such a big since, long time since I’ll try and, I basically, I got talking to one of the mums at the school, and she kind of said, Oh, where’s your other half? and we look like a perfect family, and I said, We’re so not. We’re like appearances deceive. Anyway, this friend put me into contact with [name], that you know.

Right.

And she said, Oh I know a lady that works at the refuge, and I was like and I thought that was like, not overly religious, but I thought that was like oh my God, there’s someone, you know, looking over me.

Right.

Because it was just like wow, and I was like, Oh wow, you know a lady that works in a refuge.

Yes.

You know, because it was very, it’s quite, it’s unknown to, you know, it’s a bit scary, the refuge.

Yeah. Yes.

Even the word refuge is like

Yes.

you know, scary. Anyway, so this friend put me into contact with [name] and I think, as I started talking to this friend, there was an incident with him and then I was texting her, and then my, my friend texted me back, just like a long text of support but now looking back, it was definitely [name], because I know [name].

Oh right.

Telling her what to write to me, to like

Right.

You don’t need to put up with that, and you know.

Yes.

and [name] put me into contact with the local domestic violence agency again but it was a different team because I lived in a different borough than before.

Right.

Her name was [name] and she was an angel.

I was with my friend, just chatting in the, like kind of local area, in the centre of the town really, and she was chatting to these friends of hers, boys. They were like young boys that she knew. She was chatting to them. I was standing near her and, at that point, my ex-husband has already collected his friends and my brother has sent them to go, told him, Oh go to that bar, go for a drink,

Yeah, yes.

And they walked past us and I said, Oh my God, you’re here.

Yes.

And he just ignored me, and I thought, I kind of thought mm, like my husband to be?

Yes.

Like my darling husband just ignored me? And then I went home, I went to my mum’s, I tried ringing him, ringing him, ringing him, and he didn’t pick up, and then and that was the night before our wedding, and [pause] finally in the morning, [pause] oh no my mum’s friend took me to the hotel they were staying to knock on the door, and he opened the door and he just went, What? and I said, Well what, what do you mean what? I didn’t know where you are. Like we’re getting married today. And, Not getting married. The wedding’s off, you fucking slag, you fucking whore. Go and, go and fuck the guy that you were talking I said, What guy? Those, those, those guys that you were and he just started going I don’t know what exactly was said, but as a gist, I would be

Well yeah sure.

called fucking slag and fucking whore.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And things like that, and then he just wanted to, he said, I’ve rang the airline, I’m cancelling the wedding. Now it’s not happening. Just, you can fuck yourself. That’s what I would be told. I said, Okay. I just went, Okay, cool. So I went back to my mum’s, and I just sat there and cried and my mum said, I know why she said it, because I think she was stuck of things to say or to help me

Yes

So she said she was stuck, she didn’t know how to help me

Yes.

so she said, You, well what you, what are you going to do? You’ve got a baby together. You, you [pause], you’re going to have to go through with it.

So did you find, were you able to go out and about much or

No, no. I could with like, collect the children. Not as in, you’re not allowed, but he’d be, if I did go out, I would pay for it. Or if I did go out to the park, Where are you? If, I need, I need a letter, I need you to look something up on

Oh, on the phone? Yeah.

Yeah, he would be on the phone.

Yeah.

Or if, I never had friends around because he would come in, start slamming doors, start shouting on the phone. He would just make it really uncomfortable for me to have friends so I didn’t have friends.

Right.

Couple of times where I did go out couple of times, like I meant two, three times. One time I went to a salsa class. It was a Thurday, with, with one of the mums from school.

Yes.

And I’ve been told, he had, he had a dream that I’d cheated on him with the salsa teacher, and so for the rest of that week, he, it was just, it was just I was in the wrong and I was being punished for it. I was being shouted at and called names and just him being horrible.

Yes.

And then other times, he just made me feel like absolute shit of why am I wearing that, and he wasn’t, well you’d think he’d be, Oh, you can’t wear this, it’s too short. He’d be the opposite. He wanted me to dress that way because I think he [sniffs], it was all about appearance to him.

Right.

So I don’t know, I guess he wanted me to be like a trophy wife, a good little wife that looks like a

Glamorous.

Yeah, glamorous. And then doesn’t say, doesn’t argue with him and doesn’t argue back and

Right.

keeps her mouth shut, but that wasn’t me.

So he made you wear certain clothes.

Yeah. Well he, he made me feel shit, he’d say, Oh, why do you need to wear that? That looks, that looks old. And I’d say, But I feel comfortable. This is my style, this is how I wear

Yes.

this is what I wear. And he just made me feel just crap, so obviously, it would spoil my night

Yes.

because I was worried that he’s angry and he’s going to be angry tomorrow and the next day

Yes.

and the next day.

Yes.

So I wouldn’t be having fun, so I just, I just didn’t go out.